I never thought that people would be right in saying it would get easier as time went on (referring to the loss of my mom). After she first passed away I just couldn't fathom it ever being ok or easier! In fact, I would politely nod as they spoke all the while in my head cussing them out and thinking, it won't you big liar! What I have learned as time marches on is that they were right. It does get easier to get up every day, easier to live life, easier to move forward, and easier to remember with out always being sad! I will often think of my mom now and remember happy thoughts or memories with out crying, but instead laughing or smiling! There are some exceptions, not every day is sunshine and lollipops...today was one of those days! Today was an exceptionally difficult day. Many challenges were thrown my way personally and professionally but regardless of all of those things I pushed forward and remembered I had things to do! I found myself back in to Relay for Life mode.
Last night, Go Away Big Bad Cancer Monster, held it's first official team meeting for this years upcoming Relay and here I find myself back in "Relay Season", as I call it. A lot of time goes in to planning and fundraising for such an amazing organization (The Canadian Cancer Society) BUT I often think WHY I push so hard to raise so much and do everything humanly possible (even foregoing sleep at times). My "why" is because I have personally been touched by the work of the Canadian Cancer Society. However, I can't possibly think back to these bits of help and support with out reliving the really yucky times in my mom's fight. AND so here I find myself...having a tough day, reliving some sad, lonely moments spent in the hallways and waiting rooms at the cancer clinic and the hospital. Remembering the strangers that volunteered their time with the CCS that sat in those hallways and waiting rooms with me, holding my hand and wiping away tears, offering support, friendship and sometimes just a hug or a silly joke. I am also remembering doctors and nurses who worked so hard to make even the worst of days a bit more bearable for my mom. It's a pretty solid "why" in my mind and motivating even on sleepless nights and the mornings that come after them!!
Yes, Relay season is upon us here in Nanaimo and why do I Relay?? I Relay because too many moms, dads, sisters, brothers, friends and loved ones have had to fight cancer in the battle for their lives! I Relay because I know that the money raised at this event will support daughters, like me, in our community, sitting in those waiting rooms, needing a hand to hold and shoulder to cry on. I Relay so that one day we WILL live in a world free from Cancer!
Bring it on Relay Season!!
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Sunday, 28 April 2013
I think they would be proud...
My momma always told me I would do great things in my life. I think every mother says this to their child to motivate and inspire them but I have always been so focused on making MY momma proud.
My mom was always my biggest cheerleader in life. I think she cheered for me even when she knew I was making a mistake or doing something foolish. However, she always allowed me the opportunity to try it for myself and sometimes, learn a very valuable lesson from whatever that experience may be. It has been hard since she has been gone. I have a lot of cheerleaders in life but I always hope for that one pat on the back from my mom. I want her to be proud.
When Cancer stole my momma away from me a little over a year ago, I knew my life would never be the same again. I not only had a broken heart but a huge empty space in my world that she once filled. I knew I would NEVER forgive the illness that stole her away from me. I set out on a crusade to fight just as hard as my mom did against this BULLY! I set out to spread a message that we would not stand to be bullied by Cancer. WE will win and quite frankly, we'll kick it's ass hard core!
I didn't know where to begin or how I would attack this bully. I came up with a plan, I would start a Relay for Life team. I'm sure I could get a few people together and raise a little money. But, that just wasn't good enough for me. As in all area's of my life....I needed it big, large, and grand. Not only would I start a Relay team but I would set a goal to raise $5000. EASY! But then I thought....why not go bigger even and get my team to throw a gala! If we did that we could make $5000 easy....so why not raise our goal to $10,000! And that's is exactly what we did! I am SO extremely blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I do. My team has been so great, that I really have no words to thank them. I had a vision....I wanted to throw a gala. It would be on Daffodil Day....April 27th...and so, the Daffodil Dinner was born. In the past few months, weeks, days, hours, I watched a vision become a reality! Everything was perfect, exactly how I pictured it in my head. My team mates worked so incredibly hard at tonight's gala fundraiser and for that I thank them from the bottom of my heart! With their help and support and the support of each guest, I know we will crush our $10,000 goal by the time we participate in the Relay on June 14th. Tonight each of us took a memory of a loved one lost and concentrated that anger, sadness and love and....I KNOW they would be proud!
My mom was always my biggest cheerleader in life. I think she cheered for me even when she knew I was making a mistake or doing something foolish. However, she always allowed me the opportunity to try it for myself and sometimes, learn a very valuable lesson from whatever that experience may be. It has been hard since she has been gone. I have a lot of cheerleaders in life but I always hope for that one pat on the back from my mom. I want her to be proud.
When Cancer stole my momma away from me a little over a year ago, I knew my life would never be the same again. I not only had a broken heart but a huge empty space in my world that she once filled. I knew I would NEVER forgive the illness that stole her away from me. I set out on a crusade to fight just as hard as my mom did against this BULLY! I set out to spread a message that we would not stand to be bullied by Cancer. WE will win and quite frankly, we'll kick it's ass hard core!
I didn't know where to begin or how I would attack this bully. I came up with a plan, I would start a Relay for Life team. I'm sure I could get a few people together and raise a little money. But, that just wasn't good enough for me. As in all area's of my life....I needed it big, large, and grand. Not only would I start a Relay team but I would set a goal to raise $5000. EASY! But then I thought....why not go bigger even and get my team to throw a gala! If we did that we could make $5000 easy....so why not raise our goal to $10,000! And that's is exactly what we did! I am SO extremely blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I do. My team has been so great, that I really have no words to thank them. I had a vision....I wanted to throw a gala. It would be on Daffodil Day....April 27th...and so, the Daffodil Dinner was born. In the past few months, weeks, days, hours, I watched a vision become a reality! Everything was perfect, exactly how I pictured it in my head. My team mates worked so incredibly hard at tonight's gala fundraiser and for that I thank them from the bottom of my heart! With their help and support and the support of each guest, I know we will crush our $10,000 goal by the time we participate in the Relay on June 14th. Tonight each of us took a memory of a loved one lost and concentrated that anger, sadness and love and....I KNOW they would be proud!
Thursday, 28 March 2013
I will wear my Daffodil for you...
It has been 13 and a half months since my momma went to Heaven. It is odd how the days just roll by and all of a sudden you realize....it's been 13 and a half months already! I have found myself obsessed with a project though. What's the project?? Raising money for the Canadian Cancer Society. I have been a bit over the top, I'm ok with that though. Most people who know me know I'm extremely type "A" and can get a bit obsessed!
The truth of the matter is that we all have a story in which Cancer is the villain. My story is no more important than yours in the grand scheme of things. It is just the most important to me in the same regard that yours is the most important to you! This is what makes us so driven! The one thing all of our different stories have in common (besides the villain) is those of us left behind telling the story are joined in HOPE! Together we can hope for a future where there is no Cancer....and this is why I'm now obsessed with my new project :)
As I embarked on this journey or project this year (team captain for a Relay for Life team), I did so with apprehension. First my anxiety came from the thought that it might be too hard for me. As each fundraiser came along or as I asked the people in my life to donate to my cause I would be faced with the sad fact that I lost my mom not all that long ago. After I got past this and told myself I would get through that with all of the amazing support I have in my life, I began to worry....what if I can't reach my goal! I still sit in that worry a bit. I have set out to raise $10,000 with my team. What drives me each day to obtain that goal is the faces of each daughter, son, husband, wife, mother, father, friend, and so on that I saw each time I stepped foot in the Cancer clinic or the PCU. I can't bear to disappoint those people. They are the people that count on these funds! During my mom's fight, we were lucky enough to have support from the CCS and I was SO very lucky to have met an unforgettable volunteer that I simply knew as Gran. She was everything that the CCS embodied and so much more! I recently found out that Gran's cancer came back and she lost her courageous battle to the "monster". She always amazed me at how she could be so positive all the while secretly fighting her own war. Everyone going through cancer treatment (patients, family and friends) needs to have a Gran!
You may have noticed " yellow poppies" (as my little preschool bunch calls it) AKA daffodil pins out in the community. That's because the Canadian Cancer Society is gearing up for Daffodil Month capped off by Daffodil Day on April 27th. The funds raised by this movement are so valuable to help people like Gran help me, or you, or your neighbour, friend, co-worker! Who will you wear your daffodil for? I will be wearing mine in memory of my mom, my step mom, an amazing woman named Gran and all the other amazing people out there courageously fighting. So what if people think we're over the top! A little yellow pin can symbolize so much in a battle that we MUST keep fighting for one day we will win the war!
The truth of the matter is that we all have a story in which Cancer is the villain. My story is no more important than yours in the grand scheme of things. It is just the most important to me in the same regard that yours is the most important to you! This is what makes us so driven! The one thing all of our different stories have in common (besides the villain) is those of us left behind telling the story are joined in HOPE! Together we can hope for a future where there is no Cancer....and this is why I'm now obsessed with my new project :)
As I embarked on this journey or project this year (team captain for a Relay for Life team), I did so with apprehension. First my anxiety came from the thought that it might be too hard for me. As each fundraiser came along or as I asked the people in my life to donate to my cause I would be faced with the sad fact that I lost my mom not all that long ago. After I got past this and told myself I would get through that with all of the amazing support I have in my life, I began to worry....what if I can't reach my goal! I still sit in that worry a bit. I have set out to raise $10,000 with my team. What drives me each day to obtain that goal is the faces of each daughter, son, husband, wife, mother, father, friend, and so on that I saw each time I stepped foot in the Cancer clinic or the PCU. I can't bear to disappoint those people. They are the people that count on these funds! During my mom's fight, we were lucky enough to have support from the CCS and I was SO very lucky to have met an unforgettable volunteer that I simply knew as Gran. She was everything that the CCS embodied and so much more! I recently found out that Gran's cancer came back and she lost her courageous battle to the "monster". She always amazed me at how she could be so positive all the while secretly fighting her own war. Everyone going through cancer treatment (patients, family and friends) needs to have a Gran!
You may have noticed " yellow poppies" (as my little preschool bunch calls it) AKA daffodil pins out in the community. That's because the Canadian Cancer Society is gearing up for Daffodil Month capped off by Daffodil Day on April 27th. The funds raised by this movement are so valuable to help people like Gran help me, or you, or your neighbour, friend, co-worker! Who will you wear your daffodil for? I will be wearing mine in memory of my mom, my step mom, an amazing woman named Gran and all the other amazing people out there courageously fighting. So what if people think we're over the top! A little yellow pin can symbolize so much in a battle that we MUST keep fighting for one day we will win the war!
Monday, 28 January 2013
Baby, you're never alone....
When it came time to plan a memorial for my momma, I didn't know where to begin. My mom had always been the one to know exactly what to do in this situation! I never paid attention! The one thing I did know is that I wanted to pay tribute to her life in photographs (a bit of a hidden hobby of mine!). I watch that slide show probably at least once a week, even now, and think about her and the memories we made. One of the songs I chose for the slide show is a song by Lady Antebellum, Never Alone. It speaks to me and reminds me of her on SO many levels that just simply hearing it will take my breath away. My mom always used to tell me that as long as we had each other, we would never be alone. When she passed away, I felt lost! Because now, I was "alone" so to speak (even if it was in my own mind at the time). Don't get me wrong, I have SO many amazing friends and family but no one could replace my momma.
It took me a very, VERY long time to realise that the lyrics to the song were actually true "My love will follow you stay with you. Baby, you're never alone". As I've continued on the journey recently, I have realised just how true this is. I'm not extremely spiritual BUT if I am having a particularly hard day and I miss my momma, I find that night I will dream about her and it will make me feel like she's there. I truly believe that she is around keeping tabs on me and making sure I behave! I know I feel her look of disappointment when I do something I know I shouldn't have and I can feel her pride when I do something I know she would be proud of. Just because she can't reach out and physically hug me anymore, doesn't me she's not there, so I'm never alone because she is in my heart. That's actually the best place for her because she can go on all of my adventures with me! It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally allowed myself to let go a little bit of all the things I wish I'd said (or hadn't said) and just be happy in the memories I have that no one else will ever get. I still miss her terribly but it is getting easier to get out of bed than it used to!
As the first anniversary of my mom's trip to Heaven approaches, I'm challenged to remember all of the people who wouldn't let me be alone. Those friends and family that, no matter what, held my hand and said "Let's go, we're in this together!" I can never put in to words what that has been like or how thankful I am to have you! This June I plan to honour my mom and my step mom in the Relay for Life, it has become even more apparent to me through this plan alone that "Baby, you're never alone" !!
It took me a very, VERY long time to realise that the lyrics to the song were actually true "My love will follow you stay with you. Baby, you're never alone". As I've continued on the journey recently, I have realised just how true this is. I'm not extremely spiritual BUT if I am having a particularly hard day and I miss my momma, I find that night I will dream about her and it will make me feel like she's there. I truly believe that she is around keeping tabs on me and making sure I behave! I know I feel her look of disappointment when I do something I know I shouldn't have and I can feel her pride when I do something I know she would be proud of. Just because she can't reach out and physically hug me anymore, doesn't me she's not there, so I'm never alone because she is in my heart. That's actually the best place for her because she can go on all of my adventures with me! It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally allowed myself to let go a little bit of all the things I wish I'd said (or hadn't said) and just be happy in the memories I have that no one else will ever get. I still miss her terribly but it is getting easier to get out of bed than it used to!
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
~Lady Antebellum~
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
~Lady Antebellum~
Never Alone
Monday, 31 December 2012
Should Auld acquaintance be forgot....
2012 is about to draw to an end. I've been reflecting on the closure of this year and the welcoming of a new year for many days now. Today I scrolled through the Facebook news feed and there they were, post upon post of gratitude for what the past year has brought people and new hope for 2013. I can't help but think to myself, "2012 brought me grief, loss, stress, anxiety, depression, and a hole in my heart I don't know that I will ever be able to fill." However, 2012 did bring me new friendships, new experiences and successes as well. I suppose I have been stuck reflecting on the fact that my world has changed so much and was rocked so extremely hard with me left wondering how do I go on? I am proud of the success and it hasn't been all gloom and doom (we didn't die in the Mayan apocalypse after all!) but the majority of the days, I went through the motions as opposed to actually living.
I became curious about the traditional "ring in the New Year" song, Auld Lang Syne, today. So, I googled it! It turns out the poem that the song originated from was written by none other than the fabulously Scottish, Robbie Burns! After reading what is thought to be the original wording of the poem I reflected even MORE but it brought a strange peace to me. It basically reads (to me, and I am no literary genius at all!) that even though we may have hurts, lost loves, etc we should move forward to focus on the good while remembering the past but not letting it define us. Maybe I'm off...if I am please don't tell me because for the first time since before Christmas I feel like I can move forward in to 2013 with a little bit of hope. Hope that my heart will stop hurting, I won't cry at EVERY new episode of Parenthood, I won't get a tummy ache from anxiety, and I will miss my mom but focus on the good memories instead of the things I wish I hadn't said.
I was listening the radio before Christmas and they were talking that you should set 5 goals for the new year because then there is a good chance you will stick to at least one. I know it is SO cliche to set a New Years resolution and that we seldom stick to them OR even remember what they are come February but I am hoping that by setting the following goals for myself and putting it out there in the universe, I will have people to hold me accountable to them and not let me forget. I am hoping to achieve all of them in 2013....
In 2013...
*I will work a lot less and enjoy life a lot more.
*I will do at least one spontaneous thing each week with out letting my mind (or anxiety) talk me out of it.
*I will erase the clutter from my life. This includes but is not limited to the clutter I hold on to in my house, storage unit, closet, AND emotional clutter.
*I will stop making excuses and actively live a healthier lifestyle. I will stop saying, "I know, I know" and start actually DOING!
*I will forgive myself for things I can't change and stop continually punishing myself for the mistakes I have made.
*I will focus solely on the happy memories I have of my mom and remember that no matter what I ever did or the trouble I ever caused her, she forgave me and loved me in spite of it all.
*I will forgive others and let go of the resentment I have held on to in these situations. It only creates trouble for me, no one else!
I realise those are 7 lofty goals but I have 12 months and so do you :) Happy New Year! May 2013 bring you all the things you hope and dream for!
I became curious about the traditional "ring in the New Year" song, Auld Lang Syne, today. So, I googled it! It turns out the poem that the song originated from was written by none other than the fabulously Scottish, Robbie Burns! After reading what is thought to be the original wording of the poem I reflected even MORE but it brought a strange peace to me. It basically reads (to me, and I am no literary genius at all!) that even though we may have hurts, lost loves, etc we should move forward to focus on the good while remembering the past but not letting it define us. Maybe I'm off...if I am please don't tell me because for the first time since before Christmas I feel like I can move forward in to 2013 with a little bit of hope. Hope that my heart will stop hurting, I won't cry at EVERY new episode of Parenthood, I won't get a tummy ache from anxiety, and I will miss my mom but focus on the good memories instead of the things I wish I hadn't said.
I was listening the radio before Christmas and they were talking that you should set 5 goals for the new year because then there is a good chance you will stick to at least one. I know it is SO cliche to set a New Years resolution and that we seldom stick to them OR even remember what they are come February but I am hoping that by setting the following goals for myself and putting it out there in the universe, I will have people to hold me accountable to them and not let me forget. I am hoping to achieve all of them in 2013....
In 2013...
*I will work a lot less and enjoy life a lot more.
*I will do at least one spontaneous thing each week with out letting my mind (or anxiety) talk me out of it.
*I will erase the clutter from my life. This includes but is not limited to the clutter I hold on to in my house, storage unit, closet, AND emotional clutter.
*I will stop making excuses and actively live a healthier lifestyle. I will stop saying, "I know, I know" and start actually DOING!
*I will forgive myself for things I can't change and stop continually punishing myself for the mistakes I have made.
*I will focus solely on the happy memories I have of my mom and remember that no matter what I ever did or the trouble I ever caused her, she forgave me and loved me in spite of it all.
*I will forgive others and let go of the resentment I have held on to in these situations. It only creates trouble for me, no one else!
I realise those are 7 lofty goals but I have 12 months and so do you :) Happy New Year! May 2013 bring you all the things you hope and dream for!
Monday, 24 December 2012
Is there Christmas in Heaven?
I woke up this morning with many thoughts in my head, thoughts that have been racing through my mind for weeks now. I had been so tired last night but my sleep was plagued with dreams and memories of Christmas' past. No, I'm not Scrooge and I wasn't visited by 3 ghosts! The dream that was in the forefront of my mind was a memory of a Christmas many, MANY years ago when I was just a child. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. Me and my brother wanted a Nintendo for Christmas so bad. We had been SO good and asked Santa for one and I was sure he would be bringing one for us! A few days before Christmas, our house was broken in to and when we were surveying the damage (mostly in my moms bedroom) there was our Nintendo on the bedroom floor, not stolen, but out for everyones eyes to see. My mom quickly rushed us out but I had a question! "Why do you have a Nintendo in your room for yourself?" I asked my mom. I was very confused, was she not going to share it OR was it really for us? Her response to me was a cool as a cucumber, "Well Melissa, Santa is so busy this time of year and he drops off gifts here for me to wrap up for him. He lets me know if you've been good and if you have, they go under the tree." I was determined for the next few days to be extremely good! But that's how my mom was. She didn't let a little burglary phase her. She continued on and made Christmas a really special time for us, like she always did. She may have been panicking on the inside but she never showed it!
The holidays are a difficult time. I hear so many of my friends with their child-like excitement about the impending holiday and I feel so jealous, I just can't muster up the same excitement. My whole first 30 years of existence were celebrated one way and last year was hard enough with my mom being so sick but at least she was there, this year she is not. Every little thing about the holiday is wrapped up in my moms memory. She always made it something to look forward to. I think about all the bustling and stress we put ourselves under to have the "perfect" holiday. It can't be made perfect. What makes the holiday perfect and magical is the time you spend making memories with your family and loved ones. You can look back next year and laugh and say "Remember when.....".
This year we are making new memories and traditions. At first I was reluctant but at some point last week I opened myself up to it and it is quite enjoyable so far. There is just one missing piece and I am hopeful that She is watching down on me wiping away my tears when they come, wrapping me up in a big Christmas hug and wishing me a Merry Christmas.
I wonder if they set up a tree in Heaven? If they didn't before my mom arrived, I'm sure they do now! She probably talked them in to putting it up mid November! I hope she is enjoying the holiday with those that we have lost along the way that she hasn't been able to celebrate with for a long time. Merry Christmas Momma!
The holidays are a difficult time. I hear so many of my friends with their child-like excitement about the impending holiday and I feel so jealous, I just can't muster up the same excitement. My whole first 30 years of existence were celebrated one way and last year was hard enough with my mom being so sick but at least she was there, this year she is not. Every little thing about the holiday is wrapped up in my moms memory. She always made it something to look forward to. I think about all the bustling and stress we put ourselves under to have the "perfect" holiday. It can't be made perfect. What makes the holiday perfect and magical is the time you spend making memories with your family and loved ones. You can look back next year and laugh and say "Remember when.....".
This year we are making new memories and traditions. At first I was reluctant but at some point last week I opened myself up to it and it is quite enjoyable so far. There is just one missing piece and I am hopeful that She is watching down on me wiping away my tears when they come, wrapping me up in a big Christmas hug and wishing me a Merry Christmas.
I wonder if they set up a tree in Heaven? If they didn't before my mom arrived, I'm sure they do now! She probably talked them in to putting it up mid November! I hope she is enjoying the holiday with those that we have lost along the way that she hasn't been able to celebrate with for a long time. Merry Christmas Momma!
Monday, 19 November 2012
To my mom...on a sad day
Momma,
Your brother called me at work today. He is an example of someone (or something) you always protected me from. "Ignore him, that's just my brother" you said to me when you got really sick. He wants to sue someone for "compensation" for losing his entire family he told me. He wanted me to join in. I can only assume he is thinking SD 68 because he was on and on about how it was the asbestos from Grampa Gordon's job all those years with them that made you and Gramma Winnie and Grampa Gordon sick. I tried to explain to him what all the doctors said but he told me that doctors don't know what they are talking about and are all in conspiracy together. I know this is all foolishness and I got SO angry having to tell him several times to drop it, that I wanted nothing to do with it. It just made me miss you. He made it about him and it is about you. I feel like he could have cared less while you were alive and now suddenly he thinks he should be compensated?! I tried to ignore it, he's just your brother, and he's like that (I heard you saying this to me). But I couldn't ignore it. I hung up the phone and couldn't hold it back. I was all alone and I sobbed so loud. I tried calling anyone I could think of but no one answered their phones. I just needed to talk to you and that is what made me so sad, I just couldn't. It seems SO unfair and I hate it!
I am thinking about you a lot lately with everything that is coming up. I wish you would be here for Christmas, it's Brooklyn's first one. It won't be the same with out you. I hate that you won't be here for Christmas. I will still watch It's a Wonderful Life, but who will I watch it with...it really isn't Graeme's favourite. Who will cry with me when Clarence gets his wings?
I miss you so much and I really hope heaven is beautiful and that you are happy there.
xo Baby
xo Baby
Thursday, 12 July 2012
What's in a date??
It's funny how we remember specific dates. Dec. 25th....well that is Christmas, Nov. 11th....Remembrance Day, Friday the 13th....that's bad luck, Sept. 11th....a day our world changed forever. It's funny how certain dates strike a memory for us all. We all remember where we were and what we were doing when Princess Diana died or Michael Jackson. Similarly, I will forever remember ever single detail about July 13th, 2011....also known as the day I found out my mom had 9-12 months left to live.
I've been thinking about her so much lately. I'm not sure if it is just that these dates bring back memories or if it is the sudden on set of Summer. She lived for weather like this. A calm, sunny day in her kayak on the lake, that was her most favorite thing in the whole world. Last summer she was too weak and sick to go out all that much. I just get so sad when I think about it. It isn't fair that we experienced all of our "lasts" together in the past year. It most certainly isn't fair that her 9-12 months was cut short...she only lived for 7 months after that timeline was given. I am constantly burdened by thoughts of conversations we meant to have or things we meant to do but just didn't have time for. I would give anything just for one more day. I could say all I wanted to say, do whatever we wanted to do and not worry about a thing. I suppose we all wish for that.
The bottom line is, I just miss my mom. I miss her standard voicemail's "Hey Meliss, its mom, not a big deal, give me a call when you have a chance." I laughed because everytime she left a message...it was always the same one. I'm thankful for my iPhone and its ability to save deleted voicemails. I have a chance to hear it whenever I want to! There is one other thing, I cry when I think about...my mom had a nick name for me...I hated it, but I always let her call me it. She was the only one that was allowed to and I miss it, a lot.
I will be thinking about her tomorrow on the anniversary of our very first trip to the Cancer clinic together and the traditions we started to try and help each other through it. I may even stop at a Shell station for a root beer and a crispy crunch...but not the one in Mill Bay! xo Momma.....boogedy ;)
I've been thinking about her so much lately. I'm not sure if it is just that these dates bring back memories or if it is the sudden on set of Summer. She lived for weather like this. A calm, sunny day in her kayak on the lake, that was her most favorite thing in the whole world. Last summer she was too weak and sick to go out all that much. I just get so sad when I think about it. It isn't fair that we experienced all of our "lasts" together in the past year. It most certainly isn't fair that her 9-12 months was cut short...she only lived for 7 months after that timeline was given. I am constantly burdened by thoughts of conversations we meant to have or things we meant to do but just didn't have time for. I would give anything just for one more day. I could say all I wanted to say, do whatever we wanted to do and not worry about a thing. I suppose we all wish for that.
The bottom line is, I just miss my mom. I miss her standard voicemail's "Hey Meliss, its mom, not a big deal, give me a call when you have a chance." I laughed because everytime she left a message...it was always the same one. I'm thankful for my iPhone and its ability to save deleted voicemails. I have a chance to hear it whenever I want to! There is one other thing, I cry when I think about...my mom had a nick name for me...I hated it, but I always let her call me it. She was the only one that was allowed to and I miss it, a lot.
I will be thinking about her tomorrow on the anniversary of our very first trip to the Cancer clinic together and the traditions we started to try and help each other through it. I may even stop at a Shell station for a root beer and a crispy crunch...but not the one in Mill Bay! xo Momma.....boogedy ;)
Saturday, 31 March 2012
There really is no way to prepare...
It has been weeks since I posted, apologies! Much has happened physically, spiritually, emotionally! I don't know where to even begin! I mostly just need to write about what is most on my mind and consuming my life right now. Preparedness.
Be Prepared...hmmm...this motto is used quite often in Brownie's, Boy Scouts, LIFE, etc. Ok, HOW? I felt like I tried really hard while my mom was alive and fighting her Cancer to be on top of things. I prepared for doctors appointments, trips to the cancer clinic, times I'd be away and who will give meds, long nights with out sleep, long days with lots of pain, etc. Everyday was a calculated, planned out event...we were prepared. The trouble is, I spent so much time and energy preparing for all of that, that I didn't prepare myself for what comes next. I was completely blind sided there! BUT perhaps there is no way TO prepare for what comes next, I don't know.
It has been a month and a half since my momma went to heaven. Life continues on around me like it didn't skip a beat. After my mom passed away I thought surely I'd be starting to feel better a month and a half on down the line. After all (like I have said to so many people) life will continue to go on. Well, in my little world (or heart) it can't and it certainly hasn't. Time stopped for me on Feb. 15th. Each day I wake up and feel even sadder than the last. I try to make myself feel better, I've tried so many things. No matter what it is my mind somehow ends up back at my mom. I just end up keeping myself busy with tasks that need to be done! The trouble is that no matter how busy I keep myself at work or what have you, it just doesn't feel better!
This past Wednesday, after a few reminder calls from the cemetery, it was time to go pick up Momma's ashes. I had forgotten once and just not shown up another time (on purpose) and cancelled a third time. Each time they politely said, "It's ok, we will take care of your Mom until you can come." I knew I needed back up! I finally conceded to my brother that I couldn't go alone. So he thankfully came with me. I think what held me back was knowing that that little box was it. All that remained of good night hugs and kisses, Christmas morning smiles, chicken soup when I'm sick, annoying phone calls in the middle of a busy day to say "hi!", advice, guidance, wisdom, and some most RIDICULOUS witty remarks for ANY possible situation. It was all in that box. It was final. There was nothing that could prepare me for that finality. Everyone can say until they are blue in the face that she is around me, looking down on me, watching over me, but it isn't the same as her physically hugging me. If I knew the last hug she gave me was the last I would have hung on longer, or the last time she wiped my tears away would be the last time I would have cried longer, or the last time we talked would be the last time I never would have left the hospital that night. The last deep conversation we had was about a beautiful dream home we would live in on a lake somewhere (we were watching the Home and Garden network!).
Life will never be the same for me. I know this in my head, I'm not crazy! I just am stuck right now wishing it wasn't different. I have developed some CRAZY social anxiety and get physically sick when I am faced with group social situations. Well, I developed a rather clever coping mechanism, STAY HOME! I do know this challenge is one I do have to face at some point and I will, it's just hard. I get very worked up because people I haven't seen yet will say "Sorry to hear about your mom". I too have said these exact words to people not even realizing that my kind thoughts to them may actually be jabbing that knife in their heart a little bit deeper. I get SO worked up that I have created a fear in my head about being around all people! ME! I'm a friggin' social butterfly! I also have developed this knack of crying at just about EVERYTHING! I swear someday's I have to drink half the Nanaimo reservoir just to keep on top of my tears!
I suppose there really was no way of knowing or preparing for such a loss. Maybe I could stop being so hard on myself about it now. Maybe everyone is right, time is really all that can heal my broken heart. I just miss her so much that I can't put it in to words and I certainly can't even begin to describe how it feels.
Be Prepared...hmmm...this motto is used quite often in Brownie's, Boy Scouts, LIFE, etc. Ok, HOW? I felt like I tried really hard while my mom was alive and fighting her Cancer to be on top of things. I prepared for doctors appointments, trips to the cancer clinic, times I'd be away and who will give meds, long nights with out sleep, long days with lots of pain, etc. Everyday was a calculated, planned out event...we were prepared. The trouble is, I spent so much time and energy preparing for all of that, that I didn't prepare myself for what comes next. I was completely blind sided there! BUT perhaps there is no way TO prepare for what comes next, I don't know.
It has been a month and a half since my momma went to heaven. Life continues on around me like it didn't skip a beat. After my mom passed away I thought surely I'd be starting to feel better a month and a half on down the line. After all (like I have said to so many people) life will continue to go on. Well, in my little world (or heart) it can't and it certainly hasn't. Time stopped for me on Feb. 15th. Each day I wake up and feel even sadder than the last. I try to make myself feel better, I've tried so many things. No matter what it is my mind somehow ends up back at my mom. I just end up keeping myself busy with tasks that need to be done! The trouble is that no matter how busy I keep myself at work or what have you, it just doesn't feel better!
This past Wednesday, after a few reminder calls from the cemetery, it was time to go pick up Momma's ashes. I had forgotten once and just not shown up another time (on purpose) and cancelled a third time. Each time they politely said, "It's ok, we will take care of your Mom until you can come." I knew I needed back up! I finally conceded to my brother that I couldn't go alone. So he thankfully came with me. I think what held me back was knowing that that little box was it. All that remained of good night hugs and kisses, Christmas morning smiles, chicken soup when I'm sick, annoying phone calls in the middle of a busy day to say "hi!", advice, guidance, wisdom, and some most RIDICULOUS witty remarks for ANY possible situation. It was all in that box. It was final. There was nothing that could prepare me for that finality. Everyone can say until they are blue in the face that she is around me, looking down on me, watching over me, but it isn't the same as her physically hugging me. If I knew the last hug she gave me was the last I would have hung on longer, or the last time she wiped my tears away would be the last time I would have cried longer, or the last time we talked would be the last time I never would have left the hospital that night. The last deep conversation we had was about a beautiful dream home we would live in on a lake somewhere (we were watching the Home and Garden network!).
Life will never be the same for me. I know this in my head, I'm not crazy! I just am stuck right now wishing it wasn't different. I have developed some CRAZY social anxiety and get physically sick when I am faced with group social situations. Well, I developed a rather clever coping mechanism, STAY HOME! I do know this challenge is one I do have to face at some point and I will, it's just hard. I get very worked up because people I haven't seen yet will say "Sorry to hear about your mom". I too have said these exact words to people not even realizing that my kind thoughts to them may actually be jabbing that knife in their heart a little bit deeper. I get SO worked up that I have created a fear in my head about being around all people! ME! I'm a friggin' social butterfly! I also have developed this knack of crying at just about EVERYTHING! I swear someday's I have to drink half the Nanaimo reservoir just to keep on top of my tears!
I suppose there really was no way of knowing or preparing for such a loss. Maybe I could stop being so hard on myself about it now. Maybe everyone is right, time is really all that can heal my broken heart. I just miss her so much that I can't put it in to words and I certainly can't even begin to describe how it feels.
Monday, 5 March 2012
See you in Heaven Momma Bear....
Saturday we said our "Goodbye's" to, in my opinion, the best momma ever! I couldn't believe the amount of people that attended to give her a send off. I was amazed at the amount of lives my mother had touched or enriched. It really is too bad it takes a memorial or Celebration of Life to bring us all together to celebrate one another. If there is ANYTHING I've learned lately, it is to appreciate EVERYONE...right now!!!!!!! I felt very overwhelmed on Saturday so I apologize if I didn't spend much time with you chatting or if I didn't even see you. I felt everyone's love and I am so appreciative of it. I was truly amazed by my brother though. I was too chicken to speak, I didn't think I could do it. But he was so brave and spoke such beautiful words about our momma. I am good at details and "business"....I can plan and execute events like nobodies business but I really find it difficult to find courage to do what he did. I know he's probably reading this and I hope he knows how proud I am and that I do love him, even though I give him such a hard time!
I want to share the letter I wrote for my mom and that Pastor Gary so lovingly shared for me on Saturday. I know she was there and she heard what I wrote. I miss her every second of every day. I look for her in every thing and I hope she is in Heaven having the time of her life!
xo
"Dear Mom,
I want to share the letter I wrote for my mom and that Pastor Gary so lovingly shared for me on Saturday. I know she was there and she heard what I wrote. I miss her every second of every day. I look for her in every thing and I hope she is in Heaven having the time of her life!
xo
"Dear Mom,
Good morning sunshine! Momma, I miss you. Not a second of a day goes by that I don’t look for you, think about you or wonder what you are doing in Heaven. I hope you know how much I love you and how sorry I am for all of the ridiculousness I caused you over the course of your life time. I do love you so much and I am amazed more and more each day as I discover things about you that I never knew! You really are a superhero.
My mornings, or days for that matter, are not the same with out you and our usual routine – coffee, soft boiled eggs, the “stories”, the Doctors (yes, the one in the blue scrubs is still cute), and then of course the home and garden network. I can’t believe how quickly the past four months have gone! I can’t believe how fast the past 30 years have gone by! But I wouldn’t change one second of our adventure together. I have so many fun memories, you were so ridiculous sometimes! Each time I hear a bell ring, I will think of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Each time I see a raccoon, well, I have no words, I will probably laugh until I cry! Broccoli and asparagus will definitely hold a special place in my heart for the rest of my life! Who knew it would be so hard to get you to eat your veggies! As frustrating as those arguments were, I miss them too! I even miss our sleepless nights, although I am not too anxious to stay up for 5 days straight EVER again! Bless you Starbucks for getting us through that stretch!
Perhaps the most valuable lesson you ever gave me in life was the opportunity to help you navigate your Cancer. It scared me, humbled me, inspired me, encouraged me, broke me, and strengthened me. You helped me learn, in a matter of a few short months, what true priorities should be in life and that family, no matter if they are blood or not, is the most important thing a person can have in their life. You taught me what true, unconditional love is and that it should be given to every person we are blessed to have in our lives. Even as you fought for your life, you did not stop trying to enrich the lives of those around you, including mine.
Mom, I can’t even begin to thank you for what you have given me. I wouldn’t even know what to say. I know, that is shocking, I always know what to say, stop laughing now! Mostly I want you to know how thankful I am that you were chosen to be my momma. You were the best one! I will take you with me in my heart always.
Melissa"
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Lost in the woods...
It has been a week since Momma bear went to heaven. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much that your whole body aches. The only way I can describe it is that I never truly knew what a broken heart was until I lost my momma.
Things around the forest have changed! We meticulously sort through her things, wonder why she kept boxes of old stuff, smell her in her closet, and mourn the part of our lives that had momma in them. I feel lost in many ways. The past four months, I've been engrossed in every aspect of my mom's daily needs, medications, schedules, LIFE! I don't have that anymore and it is an eerie feeling. Many MANY people have offered to help me sort through her things but there is a peace that comes over me when I work through her memories. I will come across boxes of things she felt were important and I will get lost in investigating every single piece. I wish (very often) that she was there with me so I could ask her "Why in the world did you keep this!" I imagine what her thoughts were when she packed it all away. When I was younger I used to make my mom cards for every occasion, I was pretty crafty! She still has every single one! I felt a knot in my stomach as I found card upon card, not only because I missed her but because I thought of all the times I had said nasty things to her as a teenager or the period of time that I was SO angry with her that I didn't speak to her for...well...a VERY long time! I wonder, did momma know that I was truly sorry for those things even though I told her I was, did she feel in her heart that I was sorry?
I was cleaning out her bedroom and I vacuumed and quickly realised that since momma wasn't using her bedroom since September, it hadn't been vacuumed in many months. The following may sound awfully yucky but I vacuumed up so much hair because it had started to fall out and she was so embarrassed that this was happening she refused to get it shaved. "It might not all fall out" she told me for several weeks until she let me see her with out her scarf on finally. I sat there thinking last night, not only did she have to deal with cancer BUT she took on shame for now being bald too. BUT not once did she complain! I never once heard her tell a doctor or nurse or support worker that she was in pain or complain about anything. Her and I would talk about fairness, normally instigated by me when I was feeling sad, and of course neither of us would describe the situation as fair BUT she didn't lay down with a "Poor me" attitude. She always maintained a positive outlook and at times it would frustrate me because I was so angry but her peace gave me peace and a whole lot more courage than I thought I had.
I would rather not tell the terrible story of the weeks preceding her trip to heaven. I have had to talk to more people than I care to about what happened and how fast it was etc. I don't want to relive it anymore than I already do in my dreams (which btw, I finally slept a good sleep last night with only one dream about mom but it wasn't the same as the nightmare this time). I want to talk about my momma and the things that she did! Like the look she gave my dad two days before she passed away when he said something about being cold and she turned and looked at him with her BIG eyes and fuzzy head and sharp as a tack responded "Well if some of us wore pants!" My dad always wears shorts! Or the night that Graeme and I got her a personalised, autographed picture from Travis Lulay (the quarterback for the BC Lions) and how excited she was when I gave it to her and how she fell asleep holding it and upon waking up in the morning asked, "Melissa, did I dream it or did I get an autographed picture from Travis Lulay last night?" Then there was the night we went to Butchart Gardens and she wanted hot cocoa. Well....it was HOT! She had started to get shaky with her medications and just the amount of pain she was in and I was wheeling her on cobblestone paths. All of those factors equalled a recipe for spilled hot cocoa! Just a little bit on her coat and hand BUT she licked her hand and said "Not to worry, it warmed my paws up!" There are so many things I remember about her BESIDES the fact that she had cancer and THOSE are the things I want to think about and talk about. Because I miss her so much, I want to hear those things and then I don't miss her as much but remember how amazing she was.
It is finally time to release a photo of momma that if she knew I posted she might just send me to MY grave! But it is cute and I really love it! It is a picture of our first stay in the hospital, up on the 4th floor, with our beloved German (crazy) neighbour! Graeme got momma some headphones and she was rocking out :) Another example of how she made the best out of a yucky situation!
Finally, a Celebration Service is being held for momma on Saturday March 3rd at 1:30 at the Sands Funeral Chapel (1 Newcastle ave. Nanaimo) to honor her life and the many ways she touched all of us!
Things around the forest have changed! We meticulously sort through her things, wonder why she kept boxes of old stuff, smell her in her closet, and mourn the part of our lives that had momma in them. I feel lost in many ways. The past four months, I've been engrossed in every aspect of my mom's daily needs, medications, schedules, LIFE! I don't have that anymore and it is an eerie feeling. Many MANY people have offered to help me sort through her things but there is a peace that comes over me when I work through her memories. I will come across boxes of things she felt were important and I will get lost in investigating every single piece. I wish (very often) that she was there with me so I could ask her "Why in the world did you keep this!" I imagine what her thoughts were when she packed it all away. When I was younger I used to make my mom cards for every occasion, I was pretty crafty! She still has every single one! I felt a knot in my stomach as I found card upon card, not only because I missed her but because I thought of all the times I had said nasty things to her as a teenager or the period of time that I was SO angry with her that I didn't speak to her for...well...a VERY long time! I wonder, did momma know that I was truly sorry for those things even though I told her I was, did she feel in her heart that I was sorry?
I was cleaning out her bedroom and I vacuumed and quickly realised that since momma wasn't using her bedroom since September, it hadn't been vacuumed in many months. The following may sound awfully yucky but I vacuumed up so much hair because it had started to fall out and she was so embarrassed that this was happening she refused to get it shaved. "It might not all fall out" she told me for several weeks until she let me see her with out her scarf on finally. I sat there thinking last night, not only did she have to deal with cancer BUT she took on shame for now being bald too. BUT not once did she complain! I never once heard her tell a doctor or nurse or support worker that she was in pain or complain about anything. Her and I would talk about fairness, normally instigated by me when I was feeling sad, and of course neither of us would describe the situation as fair BUT she didn't lay down with a "Poor me" attitude. She always maintained a positive outlook and at times it would frustrate me because I was so angry but her peace gave me peace and a whole lot more courage than I thought I had.
I would rather not tell the terrible story of the weeks preceding her trip to heaven. I have had to talk to more people than I care to about what happened and how fast it was etc. I don't want to relive it anymore than I already do in my dreams (which btw, I finally slept a good sleep last night with only one dream about mom but it wasn't the same as the nightmare this time). I want to talk about my momma and the things that she did! Like the look she gave my dad two days before she passed away when he said something about being cold and she turned and looked at him with her BIG eyes and fuzzy head and sharp as a tack responded "Well if some of us wore pants!" My dad always wears shorts! Or the night that Graeme and I got her a personalised, autographed picture from Travis Lulay (the quarterback for the BC Lions) and how excited she was when I gave it to her and how she fell asleep holding it and upon waking up in the morning asked, "Melissa, did I dream it or did I get an autographed picture from Travis Lulay last night?" Then there was the night we went to Butchart Gardens and she wanted hot cocoa. Well....it was HOT! She had started to get shaky with her medications and just the amount of pain she was in and I was wheeling her on cobblestone paths. All of those factors equalled a recipe for spilled hot cocoa! Just a little bit on her coat and hand BUT she licked her hand and said "Not to worry, it warmed my paws up!" There are so many things I remember about her BESIDES the fact that she had cancer and THOSE are the things I want to think about and talk about. Because I miss her so much, I want to hear those things and then I don't miss her as much but remember how amazing she was.
It is finally time to release a photo of momma that if she knew I posted she might just send me to MY grave! But it is cute and I really love it! It is a picture of our first stay in the hospital, up on the 4th floor, with our beloved German (crazy) neighbour! Graeme got momma some headphones and she was rocking out :) Another example of how she made the best out of a yucky situation!
Finally, a Celebration Service is being held for momma on Saturday March 3rd at 1:30 at the Sands Funeral Chapel (1 Newcastle ave. Nanaimo) to honor her life and the many ways she touched all of us!
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Momma bear went to heaven...
I have come to a conclusion in the past week, that what we plan isn't always what the universe plans for us. I was apprehensive yet happy when my mom was well enough to return home a week ago today. She wanted to go home so badly. She also knew something greater than ourselves is at work. My mom told me last Thursday she would be my valentine. We were watching a sappy commercial. She held true to her promise and she was the best valentine a daughter could ever ask for. However, sadly, she knew that she was tired of fighting the disease that had quickly invaded her body and taken over. Momma bear, surrounded by friends and family, slipped away peacefully this morning. I miss her already but I am comforted knowing she is no longer suffering from unbearable pain.
In loving memory of Joyce Rita Baldassi (Schulz) October 18th, 1955- February 15th 2012
"You got me through the days
When I thought I couldn't face it
Let me count the ways
The love we have you can't replace it
Just hold on, I'm not that strong
There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day"
~Heaven, Theory of a Deadman~
In loving memory of Joyce Rita Baldassi (Schulz) October 18th, 1955- February 15th 2012
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Back in the forest....
Life is surprising. It never goes how you expect it will, even though you try to prepare for things, that preparation can sometimes seem like time well wasted! Last week at this time I was preparing for the worst. I was preparing to have to say goodbye to my momma in a matter of days, maybe a week. She surprised us all, doctors included.
We were finally moved in to the Palliative Care Unit at the hospital on Saturday night. It was becoming clear that we may never return home with mom. At least she was in a good place, it was much quieter and she could be peaceful. She was confused, they had increased her medication more than double to what she was taking before her vacation to NRGH and her brain needed time to catch up with the narcotic.
On Monday we had a very positive morning, she was much clearer and was becoming much more stable than what she had been. This was all good news and came as a bit of a surprise, although I don't know why, my mom is the MOST stubborn person I know! Now you know where I get it from :) The doctor said if she remains stable and we can get a plan set up, we could take her home towards the end of the week. Momma liked this news VERY much! We also received news that on Tuesday momma would go to Victoria for a radiation treatment on that pesky right hip that has been causing so much grief!
Tuesday...OH what a day! I was told to meet my mom at the cancer clinic at 9:00am. She would be travelling by ambulance to Victoria which already scared her and made her anxious. I got stuck in rush hour traffic and panicked when my car clock said 9:02. I called the clinic and was told that my mom hadn't arrived yet. I got to the cancer clinic a few minutes later and thought they were lying to me when they said momma hadn't arrived yet. Why not? They left the hospital at 7:00am in Nanaimo?? So I anxiously paced and waited as time ticked on. If you were among the few that got an anxious text during that time, you can confirm...I was a hot mess! This cub doesn't like to be seperated from her momma that long! I was holding back tears of anxiety when who's hand should I find on my shoulder with a hot tea? Gran! She somehow saw or heard that my mom had an appointment and knew we would be in the clinic. She waited with me until the ambulance arrived....an hour and a half late! They had left Nanaimo late. I didn't know how these transfers worked so I was expecting that the world ran on the same schedule I did, I suppose not EVERYTHING revolves around me! I was thankful to have Gran to wait with! Once we got momma settled on to a more comfy bed we waited for our oncologist and went through the whole process once again. Momma went to CT, they marked her (which again she HATES), and she had treatment on her hip. We opted out of an additional treatment to her chest because it did nothing the first time and mom isn't super strong so it would be silly to put her through something like that. The oncologist did show me mom's chest x-ray. She was flipping pages in her file and I asked to see it. She explained what the cancer looks like and what the healthy part of her lung looks like. It was scary yet nice to see. It helps me understand what exactly is going on in her lungs. The cancer has set up shop in there and is taking over. Bastard. No wonder she struggles to breath, I can't imagine what that would feel like.
When we were all finished in Victoria, mom rode back to the hospital in an ambulance. When she finally got back she was very anxious and upset. She was confused and upset with me for not believing what she was saying. You see, she was convinced she had been in a car accident with a woman she used to work with. This, in turn, upset me and I needed a break. It was a very tough day on her full of anxiety and she needed a couple days to rest. Little did I know what was coming...
Wednesday....I got to the hospital and momma was still sleeping. A hospital liaison worker came in and announced, "We're sending you home today!" My immediate reaction was PANIC! The house isn't ready, what about home support, she just had radiation, I can't do this at home by myself, it takes 2 nurses to get her up, this is a day earlier than you said. I had a minor panic attack but my mom's nurse was so amazing and talked me through everything and so did her doctor. (SIDEBAR...the doctor told her she could eat whatever she wanted to, the higher the fat the better...I guess no more force feeding broccoli! AND she can have alcohol again! I think she loves him more than she loves me!!) They would work out all of the logistics so all I had to do was be there for her. Home support was going to get set up, it was all taken care of! We got home and mom was sooo happy! I admit, it was a very nice feeling because I didn't think she would get to come home. There were a few hiccups (ok major issues with paper work not getting sent to home support, etc.) which made me anxious BUT we did get through them. We all got a great nights rest and it isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. There are extra steps and things to consider about her care now that weren't there before, but she's comfortable and happy. That is all I want! Miss Joy has been SO very helpful as well as several other friends and family. I can't thank people enough for the kindness they've shown us making dinners, sitting with mom, getting things for us that I can't get out to pick up! Its very sweet and it doesn't go unappreciated!
Whats next for momma bear? This is an excellent question. I don't believe it is a great secret that her prognosis remains the same. She is very sick. Although she did get to come home, it will be for a matter of weeks only. She may surprise us all and fight for more time, she is stubborn after all. She told me yesterday that she is afraid to go to heaven. I didn't know what to say and I've asked a pastor to come talk with her but today I told her that it is ok to be afraid and that I am afraid too. BUT I told her, from what I hear, heaven is way better than the alternative! We both laughed and she mentioned whom she thought may end up in / should take a flying leap to H - E - double hockey sticks :) LOL! I also told her if she was fighting because she was worried about me, she didn't need to fight anymore because I will be just fine and I know she'll always take care of me, even from heaven. This was a really hard conversation for me to have, I have mixed feelings about heaven and spirituality. My momma believes and her faith is very strong. It comforts her and I'm happy she has it. So...I'm gonna love her through it! She is comfortable now and as her pain increases her medications will too and she will become more sleepy. Now is a good time for visits because she is sharp as a tack and it puts her in good spirits to have her friends around her, so feel free to come over for tea :) I'm happy she has so many wonderful, kind, loving friends! I've learned alot about my momma from you all! I'm lucky that she is doing so well, I get extra time with her that a week ago I didn't think I'd have. We have time to sort out her affairs together, the way she wants, SHOCKER she wants to be in control...again, now you know where I get it from! We have time to talk about all those things you wish you knew about your parent's life but either you don't ask or don't have a chance to ask. Basically...we just have time, and that's just fine by me!
We were finally moved in to the Palliative Care Unit at the hospital on Saturday night. It was becoming clear that we may never return home with mom. At least she was in a good place, it was much quieter and she could be peaceful. She was confused, they had increased her medication more than double to what she was taking before her vacation to NRGH and her brain needed time to catch up with the narcotic.
On Monday we had a very positive morning, she was much clearer and was becoming much more stable than what she had been. This was all good news and came as a bit of a surprise, although I don't know why, my mom is the MOST stubborn person I know! Now you know where I get it from :) The doctor said if she remains stable and we can get a plan set up, we could take her home towards the end of the week. Momma liked this news VERY much! We also received news that on Tuesday momma would go to Victoria for a radiation treatment on that pesky right hip that has been causing so much grief!
Tuesday...OH what a day! I was told to meet my mom at the cancer clinic at 9:00am. She would be travelling by ambulance to Victoria which already scared her and made her anxious. I got stuck in rush hour traffic and panicked when my car clock said 9:02. I called the clinic and was told that my mom hadn't arrived yet. I got to the cancer clinic a few minutes later and thought they were lying to me when they said momma hadn't arrived yet. Why not? They left the hospital at 7:00am in Nanaimo?? So I anxiously paced and waited as time ticked on. If you were among the few that got an anxious text during that time, you can confirm...I was a hot mess! This cub doesn't like to be seperated from her momma that long! I was holding back tears of anxiety when who's hand should I find on my shoulder with a hot tea? Gran! She somehow saw or heard that my mom had an appointment and knew we would be in the clinic. She waited with me until the ambulance arrived....an hour and a half late! They had left Nanaimo late. I didn't know how these transfers worked so I was expecting that the world ran on the same schedule I did, I suppose not EVERYTHING revolves around me! I was thankful to have Gran to wait with! Once we got momma settled on to a more comfy bed we waited for our oncologist and went through the whole process once again. Momma went to CT, they marked her (which again she HATES), and she had treatment on her hip. We opted out of an additional treatment to her chest because it did nothing the first time and mom isn't super strong so it would be silly to put her through something like that. The oncologist did show me mom's chest x-ray. She was flipping pages in her file and I asked to see it. She explained what the cancer looks like and what the healthy part of her lung looks like. It was scary yet nice to see. It helps me understand what exactly is going on in her lungs. The cancer has set up shop in there and is taking over. Bastard. No wonder she struggles to breath, I can't imagine what that would feel like.
When we were all finished in Victoria, mom rode back to the hospital in an ambulance. When she finally got back she was very anxious and upset. She was confused and upset with me for not believing what she was saying. You see, she was convinced she had been in a car accident with a woman she used to work with. This, in turn, upset me and I needed a break. It was a very tough day on her full of anxiety and she needed a couple days to rest. Little did I know what was coming...
Wednesday....I got to the hospital and momma was still sleeping. A hospital liaison worker came in and announced, "We're sending you home today!" My immediate reaction was PANIC! The house isn't ready, what about home support, she just had radiation, I can't do this at home by myself, it takes 2 nurses to get her up, this is a day earlier than you said. I had a minor panic attack but my mom's nurse was so amazing and talked me through everything and so did her doctor. (SIDEBAR...the doctor told her she could eat whatever she wanted to, the higher the fat the better...I guess no more force feeding broccoli! AND she can have alcohol again! I think she loves him more than she loves me!!) They would work out all of the logistics so all I had to do was be there for her. Home support was going to get set up, it was all taken care of! We got home and mom was sooo happy! I admit, it was a very nice feeling because I didn't think she would get to come home. There were a few hiccups (ok major issues with paper work not getting sent to home support, etc.) which made me anxious BUT we did get through them. We all got a great nights rest and it isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. There are extra steps and things to consider about her care now that weren't there before, but she's comfortable and happy. That is all I want! Miss Joy has been SO very helpful as well as several other friends and family. I can't thank people enough for the kindness they've shown us making dinners, sitting with mom, getting things for us that I can't get out to pick up! Its very sweet and it doesn't go unappreciated!
Whats next for momma bear? This is an excellent question. I don't believe it is a great secret that her prognosis remains the same. She is very sick. Although she did get to come home, it will be for a matter of weeks only. She may surprise us all and fight for more time, she is stubborn after all. She told me yesterday that she is afraid to go to heaven. I didn't know what to say and I've asked a pastor to come talk with her but today I told her that it is ok to be afraid and that I am afraid too. BUT I told her, from what I hear, heaven is way better than the alternative! We both laughed and she mentioned whom she thought may end up in / should take a flying leap to H - E - double hockey sticks :) LOL! I also told her if she was fighting because she was worried about me, she didn't need to fight anymore because I will be just fine and I know she'll always take care of me, even from heaven. This was a really hard conversation for me to have, I have mixed feelings about heaven and spirituality. My momma believes and her faith is very strong. It comforts her and I'm happy she has it. So...I'm gonna love her through it! She is comfortable now and as her pain increases her medications will too and she will become more sleepy. Now is a good time for visits because she is sharp as a tack and it puts her in good spirits to have her friends around her, so feel free to come over for tea :) I'm happy she has so many wonderful, kind, loving friends! I've learned alot about my momma from you all! I'm lucky that she is doing so well, I get extra time with her that a week ago I didn't think I'd have. We have time to sort out her affairs together, the way she wants, SHOCKER she wants to be in control...again, now you know where I get it from! We have time to talk about all those things you wish you knew about your parent's life but either you don't ask or don't have a chance to ask. Basically...we just have time, and that's just fine by me!
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Cancer log...day one billion and one...
I find its difficult to walk in to my momma bears house and see her chair in the exact position it was days ago when two paramedics lifted her out of it. I find it difficult to return to the room where I have cared for her for the past few months with out getting emotional. I find it difficult to even return to the house WITHOUT her! I never come home to my moms house with out MY MOM!
This week began much like any other week has started. Last Sunday night mom and I talked about the upcoming week and joked that we really didn't have anything to do. I knew we would be going for an x-ray at some point because at our check up last Thursday I had asked the doctor to have a listen to momma bears lungs and also mentioned her new hip pain. He had heard some fluid in her lungs and also heard NOTHING in the lower parts of both of her lungs which means, progression of her lung cancer. We (myself, momma, and BOTH doctors) hoped it was fluid that could be drained off. Besides this jaunt for the x-rays we really didn't have much planned, I'd lightened my work load by leaning a bit more on my staff at work and I thought it would be perfect timing to get momma's affairs in order. She has been quite clear on if and when the day comes that she should leave us, what we are supposed to do HOWEVER, in the eyes of the law we have to have it in writing to protect her wishes. NO PROBLEM! We had all week! I started pulling everything out Monday and before I left for my staff meeting Tuesday, everything seemed to be quite normal. I had finally admitted on Monday afternoon to myself and a few other close people that my heart was catching up with the reality that my mom was getting sicker and she was going to die. I knew this in my brain BUT my heart hadn't accepted it yet. As I was watching my mom slowly get sicker, my heart was starting to realize the truth. Perhaps this is why I finally got going on all of the legal stuff.
As our staff meeting went on on Tuesday evening, I had an odd feeling. I was there but my mind kept wandering elsewhere. I hid it well I think but I was anxious to get home. When I got home I noticed our home support worker was still there. It was past when I was supposed to be home so I assumed she would have left on time, she had stayed past her time. I was a bit worried BUT maybe I made a mistake on when I thought she was leaving. When I came inside the worker shared with me that my mom was in too much pain to get changed in to her jammies and get in to bed. They had tried to get out of her chair but she was in too much pain. I had assumed she would be in more pain than normal because Tuesday we had a big excursion to get x-rays BUT we also were able to get an appointment at the symptom management clinic for Wednesday SO if we could just get through Tuesday night...this is all I kept thinking. Even with two of us assisting my mom, it became clear that her pain meds weren't working, she was in a pain crisis and we would need to go to the hospital. No biggie! We've done this before. They'll give her a shot and she'll come home. Off in the ambulance we went.
We struggled in emergency. Yes, the doctor gave her medicine BUT the nurse just didn't seem to get the situation and over all it was extremely unpleasant and undignifying. After an almost brawl with the emergency nurse and a good discussion with the doctor, we were admitted over night. They found us somewhere a bit more comfortable than the middle of the nasty hallway and a plan was set for the morning to have a palliative consult with Dr.Love, the guy who knows what he's talking about! He treated my step mom last spring and I knew he's the guy we needed to be speaking to!
After speaking with Dr.Love it became clearer that momma bear's cancer was progressing rapidly. The major concern was the new growth in her bronchi. Unfortunately, it is progression of her disease and NOT fluid that is causing her breathing trouble. We were admitted STILL under the auspices of pain management and we all thought, a few more days and we'll be home. I wanted so badly to believe this! In the back of my mind I had a sneaky feeling that she would most likely would not be returning home. We all remained optimistic. Yesterday, I spoke with Dr.Love again and I could see in his eyes that he also knew this, momma bear wouldn't be coming home. They are going to get you a bed downstairs in PCU (Palliative care unit) which will be much more comfortable and quiet. She asked him when she was going home and he quickly, almost ninja like, responded "We'll talk about that next week dear, we don't release patients over the weekend." LIAR! But my mom believed him and he tapped me on the shoulder and I knew this was it. Having just watched this process in the Spring, I knew.
Driving home last night I was pretty bummed out. I am finding it difficult leaving my mom every night, I've been there for her every night for months now! After all, I am a control freak, what if something happens and I'm not there! THEN and owl swooped in front of my Jeep on my street....OK WTF?! Owl's are a bit rare to see, let alone have swoop in front of you. My grandma always used to tell me, you never want an owl around, the old wives say this means that death of someone in your family is near. Who knows if that is true or not but it certainly crossed my mind last night and upset me more than I already was.
Momma bear was finally moved tonight down to the PCU and she is much more comfortable. She has a private room, there is a place for me to stay if I choose or she wants me to, the nurses are so amazing and she will be given the BEST care there. I know she is taken care of and I feel much more relaxed knowing she is there in a calm environment and OFF the awful 4th floor of the hospital. It is bitter sweet, because I know what this all means. I will miss her so much it hurts me like nothing ever has before.
What's next for momma bear? Well, the problem with her new progression in her right hip is that the cancer has settled in a difficult spot to treat with radiation. It hasn't been ruled out yet, she could potentially have another radiation treatment BUT will she be strong enough to make that trip to Victoria? It is uncertain. The new spots in her lungs are making it difficult to breath and she gets winded very easily, even by simply sitting up. I can't imagine that! I have definitely taken my abilities for granted that's for sure, I can walk...run even! Sure I get a bit out of breath BUT the simple act of sitting up is challenging for her. Its unfair but I choose and have to believe there is a bigger plan at work here. If you want to visit miss momma bear...she is in Palliative care in Nanaimo BUT please call me first or text because I don't want to overwhelm her with too many visitors at once. I promise to keep everyone as updated as I can but it can be difficult to discuss and I know everyone is understanding of that.
xo
This week began much like any other week has started. Last Sunday night mom and I talked about the upcoming week and joked that we really didn't have anything to do. I knew we would be going for an x-ray at some point because at our check up last Thursday I had asked the doctor to have a listen to momma bears lungs and also mentioned her new hip pain. He had heard some fluid in her lungs and also heard NOTHING in the lower parts of both of her lungs which means, progression of her lung cancer. We (myself, momma, and BOTH doctors) hoped it was fluid that could be drained off. Besides this jaunt for the x-rays we really didn't have much planned, I'd lightened my work load by leaning a bit more on my staff at work and I thought it would be perfect timing to get momma's affairs in order. She has been quite clear on if and when the day comes that she should leave us, what we are supposed to do HOWEVER, in the eyes of the law we have to have it in writing to protect her wishes. NO PROBLEM! We had all week! I started pulling everything out Monday and before I left for my staff meeting Tuesday, everything seemed to be quite normal. I had finally admitted on Monday afternoon to myself and a few other close people that my heart was catching up with the reality that my mom was getting sicker and she was going to die. I knew this in my brain BUT my heart hadn't accepted it yet. As I was watching my mom slowly get sicker, my heart was starting to realize the truth. Perhaps this is why I finally got going on all of the legal stuff.
As our staff meeting went on on Tuesday evening, I had an odd feeling. I was there but my mind kept wandering elsewhere. I hid it well I think but I was anxious to get home. When I got home I noticed our home support worker was still there. It was past when I was supposed to be home so I assumed she would have left on time, she had stayed past her time. I was a bit worried BUT maybe I made a mistake on when I thought she was leaving. When I came inside the worker shared with me that my mom was in too much pain to get changed in to her jammies and get in to bed. They had tried to get out of her chair but she was in too much pain. I had assumed she would be in more pain than normal because Tuesday we had a big excursion to get x-rays BUT we also were able to get an appointment at the symptom management clinic for Wednesday SO if we could just get through Tuesday night...this is all I kept thinking. Even with two of us assisting my mom, it became clear that her pain meds weren't working, she was in a pain crisis and we would need to go to the hospital. No biggie! We've done this before. They'll give her a shot and she'll come home. Off in the ambulance we went.
We struggled in emergency. Yes, the doctor gave her medicine BUT the nurse just didn't seem to get the situation and over all it was extremely unpleasant and undignifying. After an almost brawl with the emergency nurse and a good discussion with the doctor, we were admitted over night. They found us somewhere a bit more comfortable than the middle of the nasty hallway and a plan was set for the morning to have a palliative consult with Dr.Love, the guy who knows what he's talking about! He treated my step mom last spring and I knew he's the guy we needed to be speaking to!
After speaking with Dr.Love it became clearer that momma bear's cancer was progressing rapidly. The major concern was the new growth in her bronchi. Unfortunately, it is progression of her disease and NOT fluid that is causing her breathing trouble. We were admitted STILL under the auspices of pain management and we all thought, a few more days and we'll be home. I wanted so badly to believe this! In the back of my mind I had a sneaky feeling that she would most likely would not be returning home. We all remained optimistic. Yesterday, I spoke with Dr.Love again and I could see in his eyes that he also knew this, momma bear wouldn't be coming home. They are going to get you a bed downstairs in PCU (Palliative care unit) which will be much more comfortable and quiet. She asked him when she was going home and he quickly, almost ninja like, responded "We'll talk about that next week dear, we don't release patients over the weekend." LIAR! But my mom believed him and he tapped me on the shoulder and I knew this was it. Having just watched this process in the Spring, I knew.
Driving home last night I was pretty bummed out. I am finding it difficult leaving my mom every night, I've been there for her every night for months now! After all, I am a control freak, what if something happens and I'm not there! THEN and owl swooped in front of my Jeep on my street....OK WTF?! Owl's are a bit rare to see, let alone have swoop in front of you. My grandma always used to tell me, you never want an owl around, the old wives say this means that death of someone in your family is near. Who knows if that is true or not but it certainly crossed my mind last night and upset me more than I already was.
Momma bear was finally moved tonight down to the PCU and she is much more comfortable. She has a private room, there is a place for me to stay if I choose or she wants me to, the nurses are so amazing and she will be given the BEST care there. I know she is taken care of and I feel much more relaxed knowing she is there in a calm environment and OFF the awful 4th floor of the hospital. It is bitter sweet, because I know what this all means. I will miss her so much it hurts me like nothing ever has before.
What's next for momma bear? Well, the problem with her new progression in her right hip is that the cancer has settled in a difficult spot to treat with radiation. It hasn't been ruled out yet, she could potentially have another radiation treatment BUT will she be strong enough to make that trip to Victoria? It is uncertain. The new spots in her lungs are making it difficult to breath and she gets winded very easily, even by simply sitting up. I can't imagine that! I have definitely taken my abilities for granted that's for sure, I can walk...run even! Sure I get a bit out of breath BUT the simple act of sitting up is challenging for her. Its unfair but I choose and have to believe there is a bigger plan at work here. If you want to visit miss momma bear...she is in Palliative care in Nanaimo BUT please call me first or text because I don't want to overwhelm her with too many visitors at once. I promise to keep everyone as updated as I can but it can be difficult to discuss and I know everyone is understanding of that.
xo
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~A.A Milne - Whinnie the Pooh~
Today is a rather troubling day. I have so many thoughts and feelings and I need to get them out, so you all get to hear them!
Today began unlike most days. I hadn't set my alarm because my mom normally wakes me up in the mornings but today she didn't. We slept in! Not only had we slept in BUT we had slept for 8 hours straight. What a difference sleep makes! It felt weird to me, like the universe was off or something. As I began my morning routine - breakfast, coffee, coffee, shower, more coffee - I was troubled to hear about 2 children who were sent to heaven by a house fire in the community of Lantzville early this morning. The children, the same age as my nephews, did not deserve this nor did they see it coming I'm sure. They probably fell asleep last night thinking about what their day would bring tomorrow. I have found myself bugged by it all day. It brings about so many emotions for me in an already sensitive week. I guess all I can say is just love your kids and love them hard! Love your family, your friends, your co-workers HARD! I am not a parent, however, this is one more example to me of where life's priorities should lie. Is it necessary to carry around unpleasant stresses such as a problem at work or a silly fight with someone...NO...don't waste your time with negative bits from your day or gossip or drama. These things are like cancer to our souls. LOVE HARD for, as this fire proved today, it could all be gone in mere moments.
I also met up for a quick coffee today at the Buzz with an old friend from high school. We have randomly been in and out of each other's lives recently, mostly through our professions. As I began to share my tale with everyone on Facebook, we realized we shared some common ground. I never realized how people can be brought together by things. All of us kids that face the threat of losing a parent or step parent OR have lost a parent or step parent are brought together and have an unspoken understanding for one another. No one can quite understand what it is like until you've been down that winding road. She, like a lot of people I know (and some I don't know!), have been keeping up with my ramblings right here on this very blog. Well today as we shared a quick visit, a few laughs and a fabulous cup of coffee, she showed me an example of this understanding. A random act of kindness. She had given a gift to me and my mom, a gift card for roast chicken and mashed potatoes from Swish Challet...with a take out menu..."they deliver!" She happily told me. Her generosity and kindness mean more than anything. Thank you, thank you, thank you is all I can say to her! And I know she is reading ;) I now will explain the significance behind the roast chicken and mashed potatoes but please, no judgements! When I was younger my mom used to always ask us what we wanted for our birthday dinner. Well, I always wanted roast chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn! It's random I know, but OH so delicious! So there, now you know :) I also have a mad love for steamed broccoli and cheese sauce!
I finished my coffee, sitting quietly alone in a room full of strangers, still bothered by this mornings news but I was now also thinking about the kindness that can be found in people. So, with a knot in my tummy from this emotional week and the thoughts of kind things people have been doing and saying to me this past week, I decided to go to Chapters. Again, random, I know! Let me explain. I freakin' LOVE Chapters! FOR REAL! I don't read all that often (although I always have good intentions to) but I just find it so relaxing to go there and get a starbucks and wander around and look at books. It eases the knot in my tummy and helps me forget the world for a bit. I will often find a good deal on a mystery novel for my mom and more often than not I will get suckered in by the cute knick knacks near the tills. I find just the act of being there SO relaxing. I could walk around there for an hour sipping away on my latte and picking up random books! Hey, whatever works! Today I did go with a purpose though. I had read a book when we were in Hawaii called "What dying people want". I highly recommend it to anyone who has someone close to them experiencing a terminal illness. If you are connected with Hospice here in Nanaimo, it is available in their library. WELL, I had watched the movie 50 / 50 the other night. It was a struggle to get through, I cried a lot but was inspired by it and encouraged and would highly recommend that also. Bringing me to my Chapters purpose, there was a book showcased in the movie called "Facing Cancer Together". You never really know if books shown in movies are real or not SO I googled it! (Side bar...did you ever think that "google"would become a verb? Did the inventors of Google ever think that? Just like "I'll facebook you", also a verb....WEIRD!) Sure enough, it is a real book! I mentioned it during a counselling session and my counsellor almost fell over saying, "I had written down to share this book with you today, here look at my notes." I had avoided looking for it for a bit but finally decided today to go check this book out. Well, Chapters doesn't have it in stock BUT I did order it. HOWEVER, sipping on my latte and wandering about I found something, quite possibly, better..."Help me live"! It's about what people with cancer want US to know!
Hmmm....was it fate? It was the only copy of this book in the store, hidden on a book shelf where it shouldn't have been and I just so happened to find it? On today of all days when I'm bugged, emotional and have a knot the size of a small animal in my tummy? Yup, that sounds like fate to me! I sat on the floor in the cookbook isle and began reading it and then I bought it! What it has to say seems like pure common sense but it doesn't come naturally...not to me anyways. I have found myself so wrapped up in things that symbolize or remind me of the fact that my mom is going to die instead of being wrapped up in helping her live! I love my mom and I try to do all the "right" things and in doing so I sometimes do the "wrong" ones. (ANOTHER side bar...I also bought the Betty Crocker living with Cancer cookbook...f*** you Cancer...we are going to eat you away!!)
Sometimes we need to gain a different perspective to see the things that are "common sense". Sometimes the nudge to gain that perspective comes from an unlikely place or a horrific event. If I wasn't so bugged today by the sad news this morning or experienced the kindness of a friend, maybe I never would have ended up at Chapters today for my "feel good" wander and latte. Then I never would have found my different perspective. Whatever the case may be, once you find perspective, be sure to look at the situation objectively, act upon it and in a way you are proud of, take nothing for granted, and LOVE HARD!
Today began unlike most days. I hadn't set my alarm because my mom normally wakes me up in the mornings but today she didn't. We slept in! Not only had we slept in BUT we had slept for 8 hours straight. What a difference sleep makes! It felt weird to me, like the universe was off or something. As I began my morning routine - breakfast, coffee, coffee, shower, more coffee - I was troubled to hear about 2 children who were sent to heaven by a house fire in the community of Lantzville early this morning. The children, the same age as my nephews, did not deserve this nor did they see it coming I'm sure. They probably fell asleep last night thinking about what their day would bring tomorrow. I have found myself bugged by it all day. It brings about so many emotions for me in an already sensitive week. I guess all I can say is just love your kids and love them hard! Love your family, your friends, your co-workers HARD! I am not a parent, however, this is one more example to me of where life's priorities should lie. Is it necessary to carry around unpleasant stresses such as a problem at work or a silly fight with someone...NO...don't waste your time with negative bits from your day or gossip or drama. These things are like cancer to our souls. LOVE HARD for, as this fire proved today, it could all be gone in mere moments.
I also met up for a quick coffee today at the Buzz with an old friend from high school. We have randomly been in and out of each other's lives recently, mostly through our professions. As I began to share my tale with everyone on Facebook, we realized we shared some common ground. I never realized how people can be brought together by things. All of us kids that face the threat of losing a parent or step parent OR have lost a parent or step parent are brought together and have an unspoken understanding for one another. No one can quite understand what it is like until you've been down that winding road. She, like a lot of people I know (and some I don't know!), have been keeping up with my ramblings right here on this very blog. Well today as we shared a quick visit, a few laughs and a fabulous cup of coffee, she showed me an example of this understanding. A random act of kindness. She had given a gift to me and my mom, a gift card for roast chicken and mashed potatoes from Swish Challet...with a take out menu..."they deliver!" She happily told me. Her generosity and kindness mean more than anything. Thank you, thank you, thank you is all I can say to her! And I know she is reading ;) I now will explain the significance behind the roast chicken and mashed potatoes but please, no judgements! When I was younger my mom used to always ask us what we wanted for our birthday dinner. Well, I always wanted roast chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn! It's random I know, but OH so delicious! So there, now you know :) I also have a mad love for steamed broccoli and cheese sauce!
I finished my coffee, sitting quietly alone in a room full of strangers, still bothered by this mornings news but I was now also thinking about the kindness that can be found in people. So, with a knot in my tummy from this emotional week and the thoughts of kind things people have been doing and saying to me this past week, I decided to go to Chapters. Again, random, I know! Let me explain. I freakin' LOVE Chapters! FOR REAL! I don't read all that often (although I always have good intentions to) but I just find it so relaxing to go there and get a starbucks and wander around and look at books. It eases the knot in my tummy and helps me forget the world for a bit. I will often find a good deal on a mystery novel for my mom and more often than not I will get suckered in by the cute knick knacks near the tills. I find just the act of being there SO relaxing. I could walk around there for an hour sipping away on my latte and picking up random books! Hey, whatever works! Today I did go with a purpose though. I had read a book when we were in Hawaii called "What dying people want". I highly recommend it to anyone who has someone close to them experiencing a terminal illness. If you are connected with Hospice here in Nanaimo, it is available in their library. WELL, I had watched the movie 50 / 50 the other night. It was a struggle to get through, I cried a lot but was inspired by it and encouraged and would highly recommend that also. Bringing me to my Chapters purpose, there was a book showcased in the movie called "Facing Cancer Together". You never really know if books shown in movies are real or not SO I googled it! (Side bar...did you ever think that "google"would become a verb? Did the inventors of Google ever think that? Just like "I'll facebook you", also a verb....WEIRD!) Sure enough, it is a real book! I mentioned it during a counselling session and my counsellor almost fell over saying, "I had written down to share this book with you today, here look at my notes." I had avoided looking for it for a bit but finally decided today to go check this book out. Well, Chapters doesn't have it in stock BUT I did order it. HOWEVER, sipping on my latte and wandering about I found something, quite possibly, better..."Help me live"! It's about what people with cancer want US to know!
Hmmm....was it fate? It was the only copy of this book in the store, hidden on a book shelf where it shouldn't have been and I just so happened to find it? On today of all days when I'm bugged, emotional and have a knot the size of a small animal in my tummy? Yup, that sounds like fate to me! I sat on the floor in the cookbook isle and began reading it and then I bought it! What it has to say seems like pure common sense but it doesn't come naturally...not to me anyways. I have found myself so wrapped up in things that symbolize or remind me of the fact that my mom is going to die instead of being wrapped up in helping her live! I love my mom and I try to do all the "right" things and in doing so I sometimes do the "wrong" ones. (ANOTHER side bar...I also bought the Betty Crocker living with Cancer cookbook...f*** you Cancer...we are going to eat you away!!)
Sometimes we need to gain a different perspective to see the things that are "common sense". Sometimes the nudge to gain that perspective comes from an unlikely place or a horrific event. If I wasn't so bugged today by the sad news this morning or experienced the kindness of a friend, maybe I never would have ended up at Chapters today for my "feel good" wander and latte. Then I never would have found my different perspective. Whatever the case may be, once you find perspective, be sure to look at the situation objectively, act upon it and in a way you are proud of, take nothing for granted, and LOVE HARD!
Monday, 23 January 2012
With a little help from my friends...
Help...hmmmm...now THAT'S a crazy four letter word!
Have you ever cried so hard that you thought your eyes may just dry right up? Or you have nothing left and it burns SO bad each time you blink? Today was one of those days. I can't pin-point the one thing that set it off exactly. There are several things that it could have been but I'm not certain which thing it was. But whatever the source of my crocodile tears, one thing is for certain, I find myself awake with puffy eyes, a case of dehydration and a throbbing headache. I also find myself feeling a weight lifted because I let my mom HELP me!
I've learned to tune out a few things in the past several weeks. The biggest thing is when people tell me how strong I am or how they couldn't do what I do each day or where do I find the strength to carry on or I have so much to do already where do I get the time. TRUTH: I'm not strong, I find it difficult each day and I never thought for five seconds I'd be in this position, I honestly don't know how I carry on each day and I get the time because I never sleep!! I quietly cry each night and get anxious about what the next day might bring. I worry about the time I need to be away from the house and hope my mom will be ok OR who will check on her. I pray (and I don't normally pray) for strength and energy to do what I have to do tomorrow. I told my mom how much it bugged me...Momma wisdom - "They are only trying to HELP." And she's right, and of course because I know she's right I feel guilty for secretly snapping at people in my head when they are only trying to offer me comfort and support. So, why is it that in our most difficult times, when we have no strength and no clue how to get through tomorrows tasks, that we refuse or choose not to accept help from anyone?
I've fought it for months, every day at least once someone asks me "what can I do to help?" OR "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help?" I normally respond with "Just asking helps, but its all under control, I just need to get some sleep." Then I typically make a joke about "how crazy I am, but that's not new!"...ha ha ha. What I'd really like to do is shout "ANYTHING!!! PLEASE HELP ME!" What holds me back? What holds US back? I think it could be several things : fear that people will think we aren't as strong as they thought, fear of disappointing someone OR ourselves that we couldn't do it alone, fear of being out of control, fear of looking selfish - maybe they were just offering to be "nice", fear of placing burden on someone else (if anything you'd probably ask them if you can do anything for them, we all like to people please afterall!) etc etc etc. Hmmmm....common thread....FEAR. Also an interesting four letter word! OMG, I have to stop being afraid!!
Thousands of songs have been written about help, support, letting your friend share your burden and we all post these to our Facebook status', quote them, post them on our bulletin board at work or recite them as a mantra. I am as guilty as anyone about preaching and NEVER practicing! Sure I will help a friend in need but when it comes down to it, I will do anything to avoid accepting their help in return. To quote Dr.Phil..."How's that workin' for ya?" EFF! I HATE when he's right! IT'S NOT! Accepting a friend or loved ones invitation for help ISN'T a sign of weakness, it ISN'T a burden, it ISN'T selfish it IS an act of kindness! They are willing and wanting to share with you because they care about you and it is SO difficult to see your friend hurting or struggling. They want you to be successful! It doesn't mean you are weak, selfish or dependent! It means you trust them enough to let them in. You may have to release your control in the situation (which is a difficult task for me) BUT you will feel so much better in the end. Just let go of the fear and let in the help! Ok, busted! It won't happen overnight but I'm working on it :)
Tonight I had hoped a hot HOT shower would help me feel better, it often does and can stop my tears. It didn't work! I got out of the shower feeling more defeated than when I had hopped in. I put on my coziest jammies and my lulu hoodie and laid down on my air mattress (third one and STILL inflated!! Woot!) and sobbed for an hour. Realizing it had gotten past 9:00 pm I took a few deep breaths and tried to pull myself together because it was past momma bears medication time. I scuttled in to get her medications ready and close the curtains and get her all tucked in for bed trying very hard not to look at her or talk. If I opened my mouth she would tell I'd been crying because I was all snuffily sounding and if she saw my eyes, bloodshot and puffy, she'd know for sure! Well, although I aced drama in high school, I'm not that good of an actress I'm afraid, she saw right through me and asked me how I was. WELL, I responded with "I'm just so sad today" which was difficult to hear through my sniffs and such. She told me to sit down beside her and held my hand and rubbed my back and I let her take care of me for the first time in a really long time. I can't remember the last time I let her help me! I accepted her invitation for help and she happily gave it to me. In the end we both cried our poor little eyes out and ended up with dehydration and me, a headache, but I feel SO much better. I finally realized that if we were meant to solve problems on our own, finish projects alone, mend a broken heart alone, grieve a loved one alone or face big, daunting daily tasks solo each day there would only be ONE person on the planet! We were put here to HELP! So, here's a warning, be careful the next time you ask me, "What can I do to help?" BECAUSE I will respond with, "Well, there's a load of laundry to fold and I'd really like roast chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner!" Lol!
I did put this together from some of my favorite songs about help that I secretly sing over and over to myself...I hope you like it!
Have you ever cried so hard that you thought your eyes may just dry right up? Or you have nothing left and it burns SO bad each time you blink? Today was one of those days. I can't pin-point the one thing that set it off exactly. There are several things that it could have been but I'm not certain which thing it was. But whatever the source of my crocodile tears, one thing is for certain, I find myself awake with puffy eyes, a case of dehydration and a throbbing headache. I also find myself feeling a weight lifted because I let my mom HELP me!
I've learned to tune out a few things in the past several weeks. The biggest thing is when people tell me how strong I am or how they couldn't do what I do each day or where do I find the strength to carry on or I have so much to do already where do I get the time. TRUTH: I'm not strong, I find it difficult each day and I never thought for five seconds I'd be in this position, I honestly don't know how I carry on each day and I get the time because I never sleep!! I quietly cry each night and get anxious about what the next day might bring. I worry about the time I need to be away from the house and hope my mom will be ok OR who will check on her. I pray (and I don't normally pray) for strength and energy to do what I have to do tomorrow. I told my mom how much it bugged me...Momma wisdom - "They are only trying to HELP." And she's right, and of course because I know she's right I feel guilty for secretly snapping at people in my head when they are only trying to offer me comfort and support. So, why is it that in our most difficult times, when we have no strength and no clue how to get through tomorrows tasks, that we refuse or choose not to accept help from anyone?
I've fought it for months, every day at least once someone asks me "what can I do to help?" OR "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help?" I normally respond with "Just asking helps, but its all under control, I just need to get some sleep." Then I typically make a joke about "how crazy I am, but that's not new!"...ha ha ha. What I'd really like to do is shout "ANYTHING!!! PLEASE HELP ME!" What holds me back? What holds US back? I think it could be several things : fear that people will think we aren't as strong as they thought, fear of disappointing someone OR ourselves that we couldn't do it alone, fear of being out of control, fear of looking selfish - maybe they were just offering to be "nice", fear of placing burden on someone else (if anything you'd probably ask them if you can do anything for them, we all like to people please afterall!) etc etc etc. Hmmmm....common thread....FEAR. Also an interesting four letter word! OMG, I have to stop being afraid!!
Thousands of songs have been written about help, support, letting your friend share your burden and we all post these to our Facebook status', quote them, post them on our bulletin board at work or recite them as a mantra. I am as guilty as anyone about preaching and NEVER practicing! Sure I will help a friend in need but when it comes down to it, I will do anything to avoid accepting their help in return. To quote Dr.Phil..."How's that workin' for ya?" EFF! I HATE when he's right! IT'S NOT! Accepting a friend or loved ones invitation for help ISN'T a sign of weakness, it ISN'T a burden, it ISN'T selfish it IS an act of kindness! They are willing and wanting to share with you because they care about you and it is SO difficult to see your friend hurting or struggling. They want you to be successful! It doesn't mean you are weak, selfish or dependent! It means you trust them enough to let them in. You may have to release your control in the situation (which is a difficult task for me) BUT you will feel so much better in the end. Just let go of the fear and let in the help! Ok, busted! It won't happen overnight but I'm working on it :)
Tonight I had hoped a hot HOT shower would help me feel better, it often does and can stop my tears. It didn't work! I got out of the shower feeling more defeated than when I had hopped in. I put on my coziest jammies and my lulu hoodie and laid down on my air mattress (third one and STILL inflated!! Woot!) and sobbed for an hour. Realizing it had gotten past 9:00 pm I took a few deep breaths and tried to pull myself together because it was past momma bears medication time. I scuttled in to get her medications ready and close the curtains and get her all tucked in for bed trying very hard not to look at her or talk. If I opened my mouth she would tell I'd been crying because I was all snuffily sounding and if she saw my eyes, bloodshot and puffy, she'd know for sure! Well, although I aced drama in high school, I'm not that good of an actress I'm afraid, she saw right through me and asked me how I was. WELL, I responded with "I'm just so sad today" which was difficult to hear through my sniffs and such. She told me to sit down beside her and held my hand and rubbed my back and I let her take care of me for the first time in a really long time. I can't remember the last time I let her help me! I accepted her invitation for help and she happily gave it to me. In the end we both cried our poor little eyes out and ended up with dehydration and me, a headache, but I feel SO much better. I finally realized that if we were meant to solve problems on our own, finish projects alone, mend a broken heart alone, grieve a loved one alone or face big, daunting daily tasks solo each day there would only be ONE person on the planet! We were put here to HELP! So, here's a warning, be careful the next time you ask me, "What can I do to help?" BECAUSE I will respond with, "Well, there's a load of laundry to fold and I'd really like roast chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner!" Lol!
I did put this together from some of my favorite songs about help that I secretly sing over and over to myself...I hope you like it!
"If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow,
keep your head together and call my name out loud.
Soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there."
~James Taylor - You've Got A Friend~
"Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow
Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
that you won't let show"
~Bill Withers - Lean On Me~
"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me."
~The Beatles - Help~
"I'll reach out my hand to you
I'll have faith in all you do.
Just call my name and I'll be there."
~The Jackson Five - I'll Be There~
"When the sun shines, we shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath that I'm a stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella"
~Rihanna - Umbrella~
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Dependence...you dirty little 10 letter word!
For quite a while now I've been thinking a lot about being dependent. We spend our childhood, teen years and in to our early 20's sometimes, learning and training for the day that we are independent from our parents and on our own. We spread our wings and fly (sometimes VERY quickly) away from the nest. After all, that's what we want for our kids isn't it? To be their own person, independent, self sufficient? Our world teaches us not to rely on others, they let you down; if you want a job done right, do it yourself, and so forth. Well that's all fine and dandy when we are young and healthy BUT what about if something happened to us? What about if we got cancer?
Imagine being a 56 year old woman now. You've raised 2 grown children, are now single with NO one depending on you or needing you for anything, and you've finally discovered your own freedom, your own independence. You have an amazing social circle of fabulous (and at times crazy) women! But it all changes because you got sick. You never asked for it, it just happened. You went from thinking all you have is a bit of a nagging cold / cough that won't go away to knowing your life would be over in most likely, less than a year. As your disease progresses you are forced to lean on your children and your friends. You are no longer allowed to drive two blocks to buy milk. You can't work anymore. You are in so much pain some days that you need help to simply get out of bed and sit in your chair. You don't have the strength to make yourself breakfast, lunch or dinner. You have a hard time remembering things and suddenly your child has taken over as your power of attourney because you can't always make decisions for yourself. You can't remember what day it is or anything about your everyday mundane tasks. You are completely dependent, in the matter of months, on someone else. Imagine how frustrating that would be.
I didn't really realize, in full, the effect of losing her independence had had on my mother. Suddenly the roles in our relationship had changed quite significantly. More and more I see though, that she is still my mom AND that she NEEDS to still be my mom. She needs to worry about me getting home safely in the snow. When I am upset about my day I can still tell her about it. I can lay my head on her tummy like I did when I was a kid and tell her what is troubling me. She might not be able to do everything BUT she can still be my mom and I will always depend on her for that. I need to do it more often because a lot of her other freedoms are gone. If someone took away the things from me that she has had to give up, I think we can all agree the type "A" controlling personality inside me would be severely pissed off! We have no control over losing our independence sometimes. Getting sick or getting cancer is one of those times.
Tonight I made breakfast for dinner, steak and eggs, mom had been craving it since Christmas! There were dishes and mess everywhere when I was finished! Most delicious meals require a lot of mess :) I began to complain about all the dishes and mess to clean up but as I started, I thought to myself, at least I'm able to do it. Something as simple as washing the dishes is something I can still do for myself and it is a task I will be grateful for for as long as I can physically do it. It is in our nature to complain about the things we have to do that we find sooooo mundane, boring and awful but next time one of those tasks pops up for you, think of it this way....at least you can still do them! Appreciate your independence (even scrubbing those toilets!!) because you never know when you might just find yourself dependent on someone else to wash your dishes for you.
xo
Imagine being a 56 year old woman now. You've raised 2 grown children, are now single with NO one depending on you or needing you for anything, and you've finally discovered your own freedom, your own independence. You have an amazing social circle of fabulous (and at times crazy) women! But it all changes because you got sick. You never asked for it, it just happened. You went from thinking all you have is a bit of a nagging cold / cough that won't go away to knowing your life would be over in most likely, less than a year. As your disease progresses you are forced to lean on your children and your friends. You are no longer allowed to drive two blocks to buy milk. You can't work anymore. You are in so much pain some days that you need help to simply get out of bed and sit in your chair. You don't have the strength to make yourself breakfast, lunch or dinner. You have a hard time remembering things and suddenly your child has taken over as your power of attourney because you can't always make decisions for yourself. You can't remember what day it is or anything about your everyday mundane tasks. You are completely dependent, in the matter of months, on someone else. Imagine how frustrating that would be.
I didn't really realize, in full, the effect of losing her independence had had on my mother. Suddenly the roles in our relationship had changed quite significantly. More and more I see though, that she is still my mom AND that she NEEDS to still be my mom. She needs to worry about me getting home safely in the snow. When I am upset about my day I can still tell her about it. I can lay my head on her tummy like I did when I was a kid and tell her what is troubling me. She might not be able to do everything BUT she can still be my mom and I will always depend on her for that. I need to do it more often because a lot of her other freedoms are gone. If someone took away the things from me that she has had to give up, I think we can all agree the type "A" controlling personality inside me would be severely pissed off! We have no control over losing our independence sometimes. Getting sick or getting cancer is one of those times.
Tonight I made breakfast for dinner, steak and eggs, mom had been craving it since Christmas! There were dishes and mess everywhere when I was finished! Most delicious meals require a lot of mess :) I began to complain about all the dishes and mess to clean up but as I started, I thought to myself, at least I'm able to do it. Something as simple as washing the dishes is something I can still do for myself and it is a task I will be grateful for for as long as I can physically do it. It is in our nature to complain about the things we have to do that we find sooooo mundane, boring and awful but next time one of those tasks pops up for you, think of it this way....at least you can still do them! Appreciate your independence (even scrubbing those toilets!!) because you never know when you might just find yourself dependent on someone else to wash your dishes for you.
xo
Friday, 13 January 2012
Random thoughts from the forest....
Have you ever sat for 20 minutes and taken note of all of the thoughts that come in to your head? Neither had I really...until I had a lot of awake hours on my hands. I've always had many thoughts per second...almost "squirrel" like :) I've never taken the time to pay much attention until now. So that is what this post is all about, random thoughts from my head! Enjoy :)
BUT, before I put you all to sleep with my random thoughts, a little update from our den...Momma bear is doing great! It was an odd / challenging few days BUT I think we finally have it just right for awhile. With this most recent round of radiation behind us, the perfect cocktail of pain medications AND banana flavoured antibiotics for the most RANDOM infection ever, mom is in pretty good spirits! Yesterday, after our adventure to the doctors office in which we found out poor momma's immune system is so low she has gotten thrush in her mouth and throat (most common as a baby OR to those with weakened immune systems), momma bear and I received Reiki treatments from the hospice volunteer that came. I believe it helped her find calmness and swept away some of the negative cancer energy, because today she is doing much better! It certainly relaxed the energy in the house for a small period of time, which I was grateful for and mom slept like a log! I was skeptical but even I, as high strung as the doctors keep telling me I am, found calm for 20 minutes or so! And so began my 24 hour random thought marathon!
It seems that my life and everything about it has changed...but strangely stayed the same. I just find myself having to adjust in the world differently now. Maybe I have changed but life still goes on around me like normal. However, I now take notice of things I never used to because I don't know when I will see it again or hear it again or smell it again or think it again. Bringing us to....
Random thought #1: Regret - If today was your last day on earth, would you have any regrets? I used to think yes, I would have several regrets. I have learned though that what I held on to as regrets are simply BAD (sometimes VERY bad) mistakes. I know these things aren't regrets because I have grown from them and learned something and taken responsibility for them. Sure I wish most of them never happened, but if they didn't happen, I wouldn't be where I am today or learned some of the things I have learned. I believe that a mistake and a regret are two very different things. That being said, I would regret a few things that I haven't done yet, those things I keep putting off until tomorrow. Well, what if tomorrow doesn't come for me? Or for you? Or for your spouse, your child, your mother, your best friend? Are you willing to live in eternity (whatever you believe that is for you) or the rest of your days on here on earth knowing we never had lunch together just one last time, we never went to see that movie, we didn't take that trip we always wanted to, you never started the career you always dreamed of, you didn't tell someone you loved them before you hung up the phone, you never ran the marathon you kept saying you would, you never tasted what pasta was like in Italy, you never snorkeled with those elusive green sea turtles in Hawaii? Oh the list could go one for all of us. The truth is, we will probably all have regret's that we can't control because they involve situations that are OUT of our control. I think though that perhaps we all should take a bit more time and evaluate what is really important to us, create a bucket list of sorts with the intention to do one thing off of it each day (or week depending on how lofty the item is). Someday something will happen that is out of our control and will take something important from us. When that day comes I know I want to be able to say that I have very few regrets (maybe none at all!), I saw what I wanted to, loved whom I wanted to, spent time with those I wanted to, swam with those darn sea turtles, conquered my fear of WHATEVER and lived a content and happy life. Embrace the present moment and stop letting your hopes, dreams, wants, etc. be swept under the rug to find some other day! I have a new favorite song that goes along with this concept. Its called "One Life" by Hedley...check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=masmCmLPyxw
A friend of mine who has come to be of great support posted a story on the facebook page I created last week. It was about her dad getting sick and eventually passing away. She spoke about how she had recently asked her mom if she had ever felt lonely while caring for her dad and her mom had replied, "Every day." This was close to my heart because I too feel this feeling almost daily. Bringing me to...
Random thought #2: Loneliness - why is it that the simple act of being by yourself is so scary? Hmmm....maybe (and I'm taking a guess) it's because we weren't programmed to be by ourselves. Adam had Eve, on the arc each animal had a partner, Tom had Jerry, He-man had Sheera, Pooh had piglet, the ninja turtles had that Master Splinter rat guy, Bonnie had Clyde, Pinky had "the Brain", wine has cheese (I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention!!). It certainly is nice to hear laughter and voices in a house at the end of a trying day OR the end of a happy one! Its nice to know that there is someone else in this world that would notice if you were 5 minutes late, or celebrate your joys with you, wipe your tears when you cry, or hold your hand when you're scared. When you don't think you can make it through, it is the reassurance from your loved ones that gives you the strength to dig inside yourself and carry on. I believe we (or maybe just me) are afraid to be alone because we aren't meant to be. Surround yourself with people who will be your cheerleaders, not your cheer-stealers! Allow them to be there for you, support you, and help you! This is advice I need to follow myself :)
My last random thought came from a quote on the page marked "January 11th" on my moms bedside calendar.
Random thought #3: Self doubt - why don't we think we are good enough? Here it is...
"You see the woman across the room, and you think, she's so poised; she's so together. BUT she
looks at you and you are the woman across the room for her." ~Diane von Furstenberg~
I just don't know on this one. I continuously say or put out to the universe that I'm amazing or act as though I'm the bravest, toughest, bestest person out there. In actual fact, I'm a scared little bunny intimidated by everyone out there! So, when I read this quote it hit me, if we all think that...I guess maybe other people aren't that scary after all?? We'll see how that pans out for me! It's something to think about though!
Goodnight everyone! Hug your loved ones and make sure you tell them that you love them as you tuck them in to bed tonight! xoxoxo
BUT, before I put you all to sleep with my random thoughts, a little update from our den...Momma bear is doing great! It was an odd / challenging few days BUT I think we finally have it just right for awhile. With this most recent round of radiation behind us, the perfect cocktail of pain medications AND banana flavoured antibiotics for the most RANDOM infection ever, mom is in pretty good spirits! Yesterday, after our adventure to the doctors office in which we found out poor momma's immune system is so low she has gotten thrush in her mouth and throat (most common as a baby OR to those with weakened immune systems), momma bear and I received Reiki treatments from the hospice volunteer that came. I believe it helped her find calmness and swept away some of the negative cancer energy, because today she is doing much better! It certainly relaxed the energy in the house for a small period of time, which I was grateful for and mom slept like a log! I was skeptical but even I, as high strung as the doctors keep telling me I am, found calm for 20 minutes or so! And so began my 24 hour random thought marathon!
It seems that my life and everything about it has changed...but strangely stayed the same. I just find myself having to adjust in the world differently now. Maybe I have changed but life still goes on around me like normal. However, I now take notice of things I never used to because I don't know when I will see it again or hear it again or smell it again or think it again. Bringing us to....
Random thought #1: Regret - If today was your last day on earth, would you have any regrets? I used to think yes, I would have several regrets. I have learned though that what I held on to as regrets are simply BAD (sometimes VERY bad) mistakes. I know these things aren't regrets because I have grown from them and learned something and taken responsibility for them. Sure I wish most of them never happened, but if they didn't happen, I wouldn't be where I am today or learned some of the things I have learned. I believe that a mistake and a regret are two very different things. That being said, I would regret a few things that I haven't done yet, those things I keep putting off until tomorrow. Well, what if tomorrow doesn't come for me? Or for you? Or for your spouse, your child, your mother, your best friend? Are you willing to live in eternity (whatever you believe that is for you) or the rest of your days on here on earth knowing we never had lunch together just one last time, we never went to see that movie, we didn't take that trip we always wanted to, you never started the career you always dreamed of, you didn't tell someone you loved them before you hung up the phone, you never ran the marathon you kept saying you would, you never tasted what pasta was like in Italy, you never snorkeled with those elusive green sea turtles in Hawaii? Oh the list could go one for all of us. The truth is, we will probably all have regret's that we can't control because they involve situations that are OUT of our control. I think though that perhaps we all should take a bit more time and evaluate what is really important to us, create a bucket list of sorts with the intention to do one thing off of it each day (or week depending on how lofty the item is). Someday something will happen that is out of our control and will take something important from us. When that day comes I know I want to be able to say that I have very few regrets (maybe none at all!), I saw what I wanted to, loved whom I wanted to, spent time with those I wanted to, swam with those darn sea turtles, conquered my fear of WHATEVER and lived a content and happy life. Embrace the present moment and stop letting your hopes, dreams, wants, etc. be swept under the rug to find some other day! I have a new favorite song that goes along with this concept. Its called "One Life" by Hedley...check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=masmCmLPyxw
A friend of mine who has come to be of great support posted a story on the facebook page I created last week. It was about her dad getting sick and eventually passing away. She spoke about how she had recently asked her mom if she had ever felt lonely while caring for her dad and her mom had replied, "Every day." This was close to my heart because I too feel this feeling almost daily. Bringing me to...
Random thought #2: Loneliness - why is it that the simple act of being by yourself is so scary? Hmmm....maybe (and I'm taking a guess) it's because we weren't programmed to be by ourselves. Adam had Eve, on the arc each animal had a partner, Tom had Jerry, He-man had Sheera, Pooh had piglet, the ninja turtles had that Master Splinter rat guy, Bonnie had Clyde, Pinky had "the Brain", wine has cheese (I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention!!). It certainly is nice to hear laughter and voices in a house at the end of a trying day OR the end of a happy one! Its nice to know that there is someone else in this world that would notice if you were 5 minutes late, or celebrate your joys with you, wipe your tears when you cry, or hold your hand when you're scared. When you don't think you can make it through, it is the reassurance from your loved ones that gives you the strength to dig inside yourself and carry on. I believe we (or maybe just me) are afraid to be alone because we aren't meant to be. Surround yourself with people who will be your cheerleaders, not your cheer-stealers! Allow them to be there for you, support you, and help you! This is advice I need to follow myself :)
My last random thought came from a quote on the page marked "January 11th" on my moms bedside calendar.
Random thought #3: Self doubt - why don't we think we are good enough? Here it is...
"You see the woman across the room, and you think, she's so poised; she's so together. BUT she
looks at you and you are the woman across the room for her." ~Diane von Furstenberg~
I just don't know on this one. I continuously say or put out to the universe that I'm amazing or act as though I'm the bravest, toughest, bestest person out there. In actual fact, I'm a scared little bunny intimidated by everyone out there! So, when I read this quote it hit me, if we all think that...I guess maybe other people aren't that scary after all?? We'll see how that pans out for me! It's something to think about though!
Goodnight everyone! Hug your loved ones and make sure you tell them that you love them as you tuck them in to bed tonight! xoxoxo
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