It has been weeks since I posted, apologies! Much has happened physically, spiritually, emotionally! I don't know where to even begin! I mostly just need to write about what is most on my mind and consuming my life right now. Preparedness.
Be Prepared...hmmm...this motto is used quite often in Brownie's, Boy Scouts, LIFE, etc. Ok, HOW? I felt like I tried really hard while my mom was alive and fighting her Cancer to be on top of things. I prepared for doctors appointments, trips to the cancer clinic, times I'd be away and who will give meds, long nights with out sleep, long days with lots of pain, etc. Everyday was a calculated, planned out event...we were prepared. The trouble is, I spent so much time and energy preparing for all of that, that I didn't prepare myself for what comes next. I was completely blind sided there! BUT perhaps there is no way TO prepare for what comes next, I don't know.
It has been a month and a half since my momma went to heaven. Life continues on around me like it didn't skip a beat. After my mom passed away I thought surely I'd be starting to feel better a month and a half on down the line. After all (like I have said to so many people) life will continue to go on. Well, in my little world (or heart) it can't and it certainly hasn't. Time stopped for me on Feb. 15th. Each day I wake up and feel even sadder than the last. I try to make myself feel better, I've tried so many things. No matter what it is my mind somehow ends up back at my mom. I just end up keeping myself busy with tasks that need to be done! The trouble is that no matter how busy I keep myself at work or what have you, it just doesn't feel better!
This past Wednesday, after a few reminder calls from the cemetery, it was time to go pick up Momma's ashes. I had forgotten once and just not shown up another time (on purpose) and cancelled a third time. Each time they politely said, "It's ok, we will take care of your Mom until you can come." I knew I needed back up! I finally conceded to my brother that I couldn't go alone. So he thankfully came with me. I think what held me back was knowing that that little box was it. All that remained of good night hugs and kisses, Christmas morning smiles, chicken soup when I'm sick, annoying phone calls in the middle of a busy day to say "hi!", advice, guidance, wisdom, and some most RIDICULOUS witty remarks for ANY possible situation. It was all in that box. It was final. There was nothing that could prepare me for that finality. Everyone can say until they are blue in the face that she is around me, looking down on me, watching over me, but it isn't the same as her physically hugging me. If I knew the last hug she gave me was the last I would have hung on longer, or the last time she wiped my tears away would be the last time I would have cried longer, or the last time we talked would be the last time I never would have left the hospital that night. The last deep conversation we had was about a beautiful dream home we would live in on a lake somewhere (we were watching the Home and Garden network!).
Life will never be the same for me. I know this in my head, I'm not crazy! I just am stuck right now wishing it wasn't different. I have developed some CRAZY social anxiety and get physically sick when I am faced with group social situations. Well, I developed a rather clever coping mechanism, STAY HOME! I do know this challenge is one I do have to face at some point and I will, it's just hard. I get very worked up because people I haven't seen yet will say "Sorry to hear about your mom". I too have said these exact words to people not even realizing that my kind thoughts to them may actually be jabbing that knife in their heart a little bit deeper. I get SO worked up that I have created a fear in my head about being around all people! ME! I'm a friggin' social butterfly! I also have developed this knack of crying at just about EVERYTHING! I swear someday's I have to drink half the Nanaimo reservoir just to keep on top of my tears!
I suppose there really was no way of knowing or preparing for such a loss. Maybe I could stop being so hard on myself about it now. Maybe everyone is right, time is really all that can heal my broken heart. I just miss her so much that I can't put it in to words and I certainly can't even begin to describe how it feels.
I was going to e mail you a while back so my apologies for not.
ReplyDeleteI have just hit the 6 month mark since my mom died and every single day is still really, really horrible. I do not feel better, I have not stopped missing her. I miss her more than ever. All I can say is I do see these teeny tiny steps of moving towards healing. I am not longer asking "why". My mom suffered from a lot of anxiety and I am glad that she no longer has to deal with it. I am not as angry at how the whole process of her dying as I was. That said, I am still very, very sad about it. (I don't know if that makes sense.)
I went to Hospice for counselling for almost 2 years before she died. Those 2 years prepared me for for the process of her dying but now I am in a completely now book of dealing with her being dead.
I am told it will be a long, long time before the I will learn to not hurt so much but I will always miss her just as much as I do now. I am told that I will learn to live as a grieving person that has lost her mom.
So yes, be good to yourself Baby Bear. You and I have a long road ahead.