To my mom...on a sad day

Momma,

There is a hole in my heart....I know people say you are looking down on me...but none the less, the hole is there.  I find it so hard to get by some days.  I can't believe you are gone.  I want to talk to you.  I drive myself crazy listening to your old voicemails you left me or reading the text messages you have sent me.  When I have a really exciting thing to tell someone, I wish I could tell it to you.  And when I have a really bad day, I wish I could hug you.  I feel like so many things that you always told me would make sense one day to me, didn't make sense until after I lost you.  I suppose that is a parent's job, protect your babies from the things they shouldn't have to deal with just yet.  Thank you for protecting me and fighting those battles for me.

Your brother called me at work today.  He is an example of someone (or something) you always protected me from.  "Ignore him, that's just my brother" you said to me when you got really sick.  He wants to sue someone for "compensation" for losing his entire family he told me.  He wanted me to join in.  I can only assume he is thinking SD 68 because he was on and on about how it was the asbestos from Grampa Gordon's job all those years with them that made you and Gramma Winnie and Grampa Gordon sick.  I tried to explain to him what all the doctors said but he told me that doctors don't know what they are talking about and are all in conspiracy together.  I know this is all foolishness and I got SO angry having to tell him several times to drop it, that I wanted nothing to do with it.  It just made me miss you.  He made it about him and it is about you.  I feel like he could have cared less while you were alive and now suddenly he thinks he should be compensated?!  I tried to ignore it, he's just your brother, and he's like that (I heard you saying this to me).  But I couldn't ignore it.  I hung up the phone and couldn't hold it back.  I was all alone and I sobbed so loud.  I tried calling anyone I could think of but no one answered their phones.  I just needed to talk to you and that is what made me so sad, I just couldn't.  It seems SO unfair and I hate it!

I am thinking about you a lot lately with everything that is coming up.  I wish you would be here for Christmas, it's Brooklyn's first one.  It won't be the same with out you.  I hate that you won't be here for Christmas.  I will still watch It's a Wonderful Life, but who will I watch it with...it really isn't Graeme's favourite.  Who will cry with me when Clarence gets his wings?  

I miss you so much and I really hope heaven is beautiful and that you are happy there.

xo Baby