Lost in the woods...

It has been a week since Momma bear went to heaven.  I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much that your whole body aches.  The only way I can describe it is that I never truly knew what a broken heart was until I lost my momma.

Things around the forest have changed!  We meticulously sort through her things, wonder why she kept boxes of old stuff, smell her in her closet, and mourn the part of our lives that had momma in them.  I feel lost in many ways.  The past four months, I've been engrossed in every aspect of my mom's daily needs, medications, schedules, LIFE!  I don't have that anymore and it is an eerie feeling.  Many MANY people have offered to help me sort through her things but there is a peace that comes over me when I work through her memories.  I will come across boxes of things she felt were important and I will get lost in investigating every single piece.  I wish (very often) that she was there with me so I could ask her "Why in the world did you keep this!" I imagine what her thoughts were when she packed it all away.  When I was younger I used to make my mom cards for every occasion, I was pretty crafty!  She still has every single one!  I felt a knot in my stomach as I found card upon card, not only because I missed her but because I thought of all the times I had said nasty things to her as a teenager or the period of time that I was SO angry with her that I didn't speak to her for...well...a VERY long time!  I wonder, did momma know that I was truly sorry for those things even though I told her I was, did she feel in her heart that I was sorry?

I was cleaning out her bedroom and I vacuumed and quickly realised that since momma wasn't using her bedroom since September, it hadn't been vacuumed in many months.  The following may sound awfully yucky but I vacuumed up so much hair because it had started to fall out and she was so embarrassed that this was happening she refused to get it shaved.  "It might not all fall out" she told me for several weeks until she let me see her with out her scarf on finally.  I sat there thinking last night, not only did she have to deal with cancer BUT she took on shame for now being bald too.  BUT not once did she complain!  I never once heard her tell a doctor or nurse or support worker that she was in pain or complain about anything.  Her and I would talk about fairness, normally instigated by me when I was feeling sad, and of course neither of us would describe the situation as fair BUT she didn't lay down with a "Poor me" attitude.  She always maintained a positive outlook and at times it would frustrate me because I was so angry but her peace gave me peace and a whole lot more courage than I thought I had.

I would rather not tell the terrible story of the weeks preceding her trip to heaven.  I have had to talk to more people than I care to about what happened and how fast it was etc.  I don't want to relive it anymore than I already do in my dreams (which btw, I finally slept a good sleep last night with only one dream about mom but it wasn't the same as the nightmare this time).  I want to talk about my momma and the things that she did!  Like the look she gave my dad two days before she passed away when he said something about being cold and she turned and looked at him with her BIG eyes and fuzzy head and sharp as a tack responded "Well if some of us wore pants!" My dad always wears shorts!  Or the night that Graeme and I got her a personalised, autographed picture from Travis Lulay (the quarterback for the BC Lions) and how excited she was when I gave it to her and how she fell asleep holding it and upon waking up in the morning asked, "Melissa, did I dream it or did I get an autographed picture from Travis Lulay last night?" Then there was the night we went to Butchart Gardens and she wanted hot cocoa.  Well....it was HOT!  She had started to get shaky with her medications and just the amount of pain she was in and I was wheeling her on cobblestone paths.  All of those factors equalled a recipe for spilled hot cocoa!  Just a little bit on her coat and hand BUT she licked her hand and said "Not to worry, it warmed my paws up!" There are so many things I remember about her BESIDES the fact that she had cancer and THOSE are the things I want to think about and talk about.  Because I miss her so much, I want to hear those things and then I don't miss her as much but remember how amazing she was.

It is finally time to release a photo of momma that if she knew I posted she might just send me to MY grave!  But it is cute and I really love it!  It is a picture of our first stay in the hospital, up on the 4th floor, with our beloved German (crazy) neighbour!  Graeme got momma some headphones and she was rocking out :)  Another example of how she made the best out of a yucky situation!

Finally, a Celebration Service is being held for momma on Saturday March 3rd at 1:30 at the Sands Funeral Chapel (1 Newcastle ave. Nanaimo) to honor her life and the many ways she touched all of us!

Momma bear went to heaven...

I have come to a conclusion in the past week, that what we plan isn't always what the universe plans for us.  I was apprehensive yet happy when my mom was well enough to return home a week ago today.  She wanted to go  home so badly.  She also knew something greater than ourselves is at work.  My mom told me last Thursday she would be my valentine.  We were watching a sappy commercial.  She held true to her promise and she was the best valentine a daughter could ever ask for.  However, sadly, she knew that she was tired of fighting the disease that had quickly invaded her body and taken over.  Momma bear, surrounded by friends and family, slipped away peacefully this morning.  I miss her already but I am comforted knowing she is no longer suffering from unbearable pain.

"You got me through the days

When I thought I couldn't face it

Let me count the ways

The love we have you can't replace it

Just hold on, I'm not that strong

There's a little piece of heaven

Right here where you are

The fact that you keep trying

Is what sets you apart

Help me find the reason

And I'll help you find the way

To get rid of all your pain

Little by little, day by day"

~Heaven, Theory of a Deadman~

In loving memory of Joyce Rita Baldassi (Schulz) October 18th, 1955- February 15th 2012

Back in the forest....

Life is surprising.  It never goes how you expect it will, even though you try to prepare for things, that preparation can sometimes seem like time well wasted!  Last week at this time I was preparing for the worst.  I was preparing to have to say goodbye to my momma in a matter of days, maybe a week.  She surprised us all, doctors included.

We were finally moved in to the Palliative Care Unit at the hospital on Saturday night.  It was becoming clear that we may never return home with mom.  At least she was in a good place, it was much quieter and she could be peaceful.  She was confused, they had increased her medication more than double to what she was taking before her vacation to NRGH and her brain needed time to catch up with the narcotic.

On Monday we had a very positive morning, she was much clearer and was becoming much more stable than what she had been.  This was all good news and came as a bit of a surprise, although I don't know why, my mom is the MOST stubborn person I know!  Now you know where I get it from :)  The doctor said if she remains stable and we can get a plan set up, we could take her home towards the end of the week.  Momma liked this news VERY much!  We also received news that on Tuesday momma would go to Victoria for a radiation treatment on that pesky right hip that has been causing so much grief!

Tuesday...OH what a day!  I was told to meet my mom at the cancer clinic at 9:00am.  She would be travelling by ambulance to Victoria which already scared her and made her anxious.  I got stuck in rush hour traffic and panicked when my car clock said 9:02.  I called the clinic and was told that my mom hadn't arrived yet.  I got to the cancer clinic a few minutes later and thought they were lying to me when they said momma hadn't arrived yet.  Why not?  They left the hospital at 7:00am in Nanaimo??  So I anxiously paced and waited as time ticked on.  If you were among the few that got an anxious text during that time, you can confirm...I was a hot mess!  This cub doesn't like to be seperated from her momma that long!  I was holding back tears of anxiety when who's hand should I find on my shoulder with a hot tea?  Gran!  She somehow saw or  heard that my mom had an appointment and knew we would be in the clinic.  She waited with me until the ambulance arrived....an hour and a half late!  They had left Nanaimo late.  I didn't know how these transfers worked so I was expecting that the world ran on the same schedule I did, I suppose not EVERYTHING revolves around me!  I was thankful to have Gran to wait with!  Once we got momma settled on to a more comfy bed we waited for our oncologist and went through the whole process once again.  Momma went to CT, they marked her (which again she HATES), and she had treatment on her hip.  We opted out of an additional treatment to her chest because it did nothing the first time and mom isn't super strong so it would be silly to put her through something like that.  The oncologist did show me mom's chest x-ray.  She was flipping pages in her file and I asked to see it.  She explained what the cancer looks like and what the healthy part of her lung looks like.  It was scary yet nice to see.  It helps me understand what exactly is going on in her lungs.  The cancer has set up shop in there and is taking over. Bastard. No wonder she struggles to breath, I can't imagine what that would feel like.

When we were all finished in Victoria, mom rode back to the hospital in an ambulance.  When she finally got back she was very anxious and upset.  She was confused and upset with me for not believing what she was saying.  You see, she was convinced she had been in a car accident with a woman she used to work with. This, in turn, upset me and I needed a break.  It was a very tough day on her full of anxiety and she needed a couple days to rest.  Little did I know what was coming...

Wednesday....I got to the hospital and momma was still sleeping.  A hospital liaison worker came in and announced, "We're sending you home today!" My immediate reaction was PANIC!  The house isn't ready, what about home support, she just had radiation, I can't do this at home by myself, it takes 2 nurses to get her up, this is a day earlier than you said.  I had a minor panic attack but my mom's nurse was so amazing and talked me through everything and so did her doctor.  (SIDEBAR...the doctor told her she could eat whatever she wanted to, the higher the fat the better...I guess no more force feeding broccoli!  AND she can have alcohol again!  I think she loves him more than she loves me!!) They would work out all of the logistics so all I had to do was be there for her.  Home support was going to get set up, it was all taken care of!  We got home and mom was sooo happy!  I admit, it was a very nice feeling because I didn't think she would get to come home.  There were a few hiccups (ok major issues with paper work not getting sent to home support, etc.) which made me anxious BUT we did get through them.  We all got a great nights rest and it isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.  There are extra steps and things to consider about her care now that weren't there before, but she's comfortable and happy.  That is all I want!  Miss Joy has been SO very helpful as well as several other friends and family.  I can't thank people enough for the kindness they've shown us making dinners, sitting with mom, getting things for us that I can't get out to pick up!  Its very sweet and it doesn't go unappreciated!

Whats next for momma bear?  This is an excellent question.  I don't believe it is a great secret that her prognosis remains the same.  She is very sick.  Although she did get to come home, it will be for a matter of weeks only.  She may surprise us all and fight for more time, she is stubborn after all.  She told me yesterday that she is afraid to go to heaven.  I didn't know what to say and I've asked a pastor to come talk with her but today I told her that it is ok to be afraid and that I am afraid too.  BUT I told her, from what I hear, heaven is way better than the alternative!  We both laughed and she mentioned whom she thought may end up in / should take a flying leap to H - E - double hockey sticks :) LOL!  I also told her if she was fighting because she was worried about me, she didn't need to fight anymore because I will be just fine and I know she'll always take care of me, even from heaven. This was a really hard conversation for me to have, I have mixed feelings about heaven and spirituality.  My momma believes and her faith is very strong.  It comforts her and I'm happy she has it.  So...I'm gonna love her through it!  She is comfortable now and as her pain increases her medications will too and she will become more sleepy.  Now is a good time for visits because she is sharp as a tack and it puts her in good spirits to have her friends around her, so feel free to come over for tea :)  I'm happy she has so many wonderful, kind, loving friends! I've learned alot about my momma from you all!  I'm lucky that she is doing so well, I get extra time with her that a week ago I didn't think I'd have.  We have time to sort out her affairs together, the way she wants, SHOCKER she wants to be in control...again, now you know where I get it from!  We have time to talk about all those things you wish you knew about your parent's life but either you don't ask or don't have a chance to ask.  Basically...we just have time, and that's just fine by me!

Cancer log...day one billion and one...

I find its difficult to walk in to my momma bears house and see her chair in the exact position it was days ago when two paramedics lifted her out of it.  I find it difficult to return to the room where I have cared for her for the past few months with out getting emotional.  I find it difficult to even return to the house WITHOUT her!  I never come home to my moms house with out MY MOM!

This week began much like any other week has started. Last Sunday night mom and I talked about the upcoming week and joked that we really didn't have anything to do.  I knew we would be going for an x-ray at some point because at our check up last Thursday I had asked the doctor to have a listen to momma bears lungs and also mentioned her new hip pain.  He had heard some fluid in her lungs and also heard NOTHING in the lower parts of both of her lungs which means, progression of her lung cancer.  We (myself, momma, and BOTH doctors) hoped it was fluid that could be drained off.  Besides this jaunt for the x-rays we really didn't have much planned, I'd lightened my work load by leaning a bit more on my staff at work and I thought it would be perfect timing to get momma's affairs in order.  She has been quite clear on if and when the day comes that she should leave us, what we are supposed to do HOWEVER, in the eyes of the law we have to have it in writing to protect her wishes.  NO PROBLEM!  We had all week!  I started pulling everything out Monday and before I left for my staff meeting Tuesday, everything seemed to be quite normal.  I had finally admitted on Monday afternoon to myself and a few other close people that my heart was catching up with the reality that my mom was getting sicker and she was going to die.  I knew this in my brain BUT my heart hadn't accepted it yet.  As I was watching my mom slowly get sicker, my heart was starting to realize the truth.  Perhaps this is why I finally got going on all of the legal stuff.

As our staff meeting went on on Tuesday evening, I had an odd feeling.  I was there but my mind kept wandering elsewhere.  I hid it well I think but I was anxious to get home.  When I got home I noticed our home support worker was still there.  It was past when I was supposed to be home so I assumed she would have left on time, she had stayed past her time.  I was a bit worried BUT maybe I made a mistake on when I thought she was leaving.  When I came inside the worker shared with me that my mom was in too much pain to get changed in to her jammies and get in to bed.  They had tried to get out of her chair but she was in too much pain.  I had assumed she would be in more pain than normal because Tuesday we had a big excursion to get x-rays BUT we also were able to get an appointment at the symptom management clinic for Wednesday SO if we could just get through Tuesday night...this is all I kept thinking.  Even with two of us assisting my mom, it became clear that her pain meds weren't working, she was in a pain crisis and we would need to go to the hospital.  No biggie!  We've done this before.  They'll give her a shot and she'll come home. Off in the ambulance we went.

We struggled in emergency.  Yes, the doctor gave her medicine BUT the nurse just didn't seem to get the situation and over all it was extremely unpleasant and undignifying.  After an almost brawl with the emergency nurse and a good discussion with the doctor, we were admitted over night.  They found us somewhere a bit more comfortable than the middle of the nasty hallway and a plan was set for the morning to have a palliative consult with Dr.Love, the guy who knows what he's talking about!  He treated my step mom last spring and I knew he's the guy we needed to be speaking to!

After speaking with Dr.Love it became clearer that momma bear's cancer was progressing rapidly.  The major concern was the new growth in her bronchi.  Unfortunately, it is progression of her disease and NOT fluid that is causing her breathing trouble.  We were admitted STILL under the auspices of pain management and we all thought, a few more days and we'll be home.  I wanted so badly to believe this!  In the back of my mind I had a sneaky feeling that she would most likely would not be returning home.  We all remained optimistic.  Yesterday, I spoke with Dr.Love again and I could see in his eyes that he also knew this, momma bear wouldn't be coming  home.  They are going to get you a bed downstairs in PCU (Palliative care unit) which will be much more comfortable and quiet.  She asked him when she was going home and he quickly, almost ninja like, responded "We'll talk about that next week dear, we don't release patients over the weekend." LIAR!  But my mom believed him and he tapped me on the shoulder and I knew this was it.  Having just watched this process in the Spring, I knew.

Driving home last night I was pretty bummed out.  I am finding it difficult leaving my mom every night, I've been there for her every night for months now!  After all, I am a control freak, what if something happens and I'm not there!  THEN and owl swooped in front of my Jeep on my street....OK WTF?!  Owl's are a bit rare to see, let alone have swoop in front of you.  My grandma always used to tell me, you never want an owl around, the old wives say this means that death of someone in your family is near.  Who knows if that is true or not but it certainly crossed my mind last night and upset me more than I already was.

Momma bear was finally moved tonight down to the PCU and she is much more comfortable.  She has a private room, there is a place for me to stay if I choose or she wants me to, the nurses are so amazing and she will be given the BEST care there.  I know she is taken care of and I feel much more relaxed knowing she is there in a calm environment and OFF the awful 4th floor of the hospital.  It is bitter sweet, because I know what this all means.  I will miss her so much it hurts me like nothing ever has before.

What's next for momma bear?  Well, the problem with her new progression in her right hip is that the cancer has settled in a difficult spot to treat with radiation.  It hasn't been ruled out yet, she could potentially have another radiation treatment BUT will she be strong enough to make that trip to Victoria?  It is uncertain.  The new spots in her lungs are making it difficult to breath and she gets winded very easily, even by simply sitting up.  I can't imagine that!  I have definitely taken my abilities for granted that's for sure, I can walk...run even!  Sure I get a bit out of breath BUT the simple act of sitting up is challenging for her.  Its unfair but I choose and have to believe there is a bigger plan at work here.  If you want to visit miss momma bear...she is in Palliative care in Nanaimo BUT please call me first or text because I don't want to overwhelm her with too many visitors at once.  I promise to keep everyone as updated as I can but it can be difficult to discuss and I know everyone is understanding of that.

xo