Should Auld acquaintance be forgot....

2012 is about to draw to an end.  I've been reflecting on the closure of this year and the welcoming of a new year for many days now.  Today I scrolled through the Facebook news feed and there they were, post upon post of gratitude for what the past year has brought people and new hope for 2013.  I can't help but think to myself, "2012 brought me grief, loss, stress, anxiety, depression, and a hole in my heart I don't know that I will ever be able to fill." However, 2012 did bring me new friendships, new experiences and successes as well.  I suppose I have been stuck reflecting on the fact that my world has changed so much and was rocked so extremely hard with me left wondering how do I go on?  I am proud of the success and it hasn't been all gloom and doom (we didn't die in the Mayan apocalypse after all!) but the majority of the days, I went through the motions as opposed to actually living.

I became curious about the traditional "ring in the New Year" song, Auld Lang Syne, today.  So, I googled it! It turns out the poem that the song originated from was written by none other than the fabulously Scottish, Robbie Burns!  After reading what is thought to be the original wording of the poem I reflected even MORE but it brought a strange peace to me.  It basically reads (to me, and I am no literary genius at all!) that even though we may have hurts, lost loves, etc we should move forward to focus on the good while remembering the past but not letting it define us.  Maybe I'm off...if I am please don't tell me because for the first time since before Christmas I feel like I can move forward in to 2013 with a little bit of hope.  Hope that my heart will stop hurting, I won't cry at EVERY new episode of Parenthood, I won't get a tummy ache from anxiety, and I will miss my mom but focus on the good memories instead of the things I wish I hadn't said.

I was listening the radio before Christmas and they were talking that you should set 5 goals for the new year because then there is a good chance you will stick to at least one.  I know it is SO cliche to set a New Years resolution and that we seldom stick to them OR even remember what they are come February but I am hoping that by setting the following goals for myself and putting it out there in the universe, I will have people to hold me accountable to them and not let me forget.  I am hoping to achieve all of them in 2013....

In 2013...

*I will work a lot less and enjoy life a lot more.

*I will do at least one spontaneous thing each week with out letting my mind (or anxiety) talk me out of it.

*I will erase the clutter from my life.  This includes but is not limited to the clutter I hold on to in my house, storage unit, closet, AND emotional clutter.

*I will stop making excuses and actively live a healthier lifestyle.  I will stop saying, "I know, I know" and start actually DOING!

*I will forgive myself for things I can't change and stop continually punishing myself for the mistakes I have made.

*I will focus solely on the happy memories I have of my mom and remember that no matter what I ever did or the trouble I ever caused her, she forgave me and loved me in spite of it all.

*I will forgive others and let go of the resentment I have held on to in these situations.  It only creates trouble for me, no one else!

I realise those are 7 lofty goals but I have 12 months and so do you :)  Happy New Year!  May 2013 bring you all the things you hope and dream for!

Is there Christmas in Heaven?

I woke up this morning with many thoughts in my head, thoughts that have been racing through my mind for weeks now.  I had been so tired last night but my sleep was plagued with dreams and memories of Christmas' past.  No, I'm not Scrooge and I wasn't visited by 3 ghosts!  The dream that was in the forefront of my mind was a memory of a Christmas many, MANY years ago when I was just a child.  I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old.  Me and my brother wanted a Nintendo for Christmas so bad.  We had been SO good and asked Santa for one and I was sure he would be bringing one for us!  A few days before Christmas, our house was broken in to and when we were surveying the damage (mostly in my moms bedroom) there was our Nintendo on the bedroom floor, not stolen, but out for everyones eyes to see.  My mom quickly rushed us out but I had a question!  "Why do you have a Nintendo in your room for yourself?" I asked my mom.  I was very confused, was she not going to share it OR was it really for us?  Her response to me was a cool as a cucumber, "Well Melissa, Santa is so busy this time of year and he drops off gifts here for me to wrap up for him.  He lets me know if you've been good and if you have, they go under the tree."  I was determined for the next few days to be extremely good!  But that's how my mom was.  She didn't let a little burglary phase her.  She continued on and made Christmas a really special time for us, like she always did.  She may have been panicking on the inside but she never showed it!

The holidays are a difficult time.  I hear so many of my friends with their child-like excitement about the impending holiday and I feel so jealous, I just can't muster up the same excitement.  My whole first 30 years of existence were celebrated one way and last year was hard enough with my mom being so sick but at least  she was there, this year she is not.  Every little thing about the holiday is wrapped up in my moms memory.  She always made it something to look forward to.  I think about all the bustling and stress we put ourselves under to have the "perfect" holiday.  It can't be made perfect.  What makes the holiday perfect and magical is the time you spend making memories with your family and loved ones.  You can look back next year and laugh and say "Remember when.....".

This year we are making new memories and traditions.  At first I was reluctant but at some point last week I opened myself up to it and it is quite enjoyable so far.  There is just one missing piece and I am hopeful that She is watching down on me wiping away my tears when they come, wrapping me up in a big Christmas hug and wishing me a Merry Christmas.

I wonder if they set up a tree in Heaven?  If they didn't before my mom arrived, I'm sure they do now!  She probably talked them in to putting it up mid November!  I hope she is enjoying the holiday with those that we have lost along the way that she hasn't been able to celebrate with for a long time.  Merry Christmas Momma!