The holidays bring out so many emotions in people. Sadness, anxiety, kindness, good will, anger, etc. We miss those we've lost and worry about those we may lose in the future. Perhaps Abraham Lincoln said it best when he said, "The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time". Maybe we should all take a lesson from good old Abe and stay present in the moment, or at least try to :) Easier said than done, I know!
First to come is Christmas. We can't WAIT for it to arrive! We all eat way too much turkey and spend way too much money BUT we enjoy a magical time with our loved ones, whomever they may be. This, I've come to learn, is invaluable time you will never get again and each year brings a unique memory. I hope everyone enjoyed every last second of it, and if you didn't, go out and enjoy it now! Bring your friends and family together or tell them how much they mean to you. The magical part about Christmas does not lie within a day on the calendar but within ourselves.
Then after the sales of boxing week conclude, we all anxiously await the beginning of a new year. (I dread it, being the end of the fiscal year for me, it tends to be a lot of work! LOL!) As we all bustle about tomorrow preparing to usher in 2012, take some time to reflect on 2011. I'm sure there were a lot of positive and negative things in all of our lives this past year. As you ring in a new year, a new beginning, don't forget about the old one. Although it had a few icky spots, there are lessons to be learned and strengths to be gained. I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious to say good-bye to 2011 myself BUT 2011 brought me 2 VERY important things that can't ever be replaced. I now have a very strong relationship with my dad, the type of relationship I've wished for for years AND a new respect for my momma, who is perhaps the strongest person I've ever known. I've been able to gain insights to who both of my parents are and I will carry those with me for the rest of my life.
Although 2011 brought us all struggles, trials, challenges, pain and uncertainty let's not forget the positive things it brought us as well. I was lucky enough to witness friends commit their lives to one another, new babies be born and find out that some new arrivals are coming our way early in 2012, other couples found their way back to one another and I finally learned how to slow down and appreciate the small graces I'm afforded each day. I hope everyone has that opportunity at some point!
At the stroke of 12 tomorrow night (before we all turn in to pumpkins!) know that I am wishing everyone a safe and happy new year and many blessings for 2012!
Friday, 30 December 2011
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Helpless not hopeless...
Perhaps one of the worst days of my life was the day I sat in my car, waiting at a red light, impatient as always, on the phone with my mom waiting for her to spit out what she was trying to say. I knew something was wrong or bothering her. Finally she said the words I never thought I would hear her say "They found something in my lung, they think it's cancer." In a matter of seconds it was as if everything changed. Suddenly the things I had been so busy doing that day didn't matter. "Ok, so what are they going to do next?"
In the days and weeks that followed there would be CT scans, bone scans, MRI's and a biopsy all confirming what we had feared all along. It was in fact cancer, starting in her lungs and migrating to her brain. Thankfully it had not entered her bones. We would see several doctors to talk about treatments and surgery to remove a tumour from her brain. We would talk about timelines and medications and what to expect. No matter what they say, you never expect what comes next.
Days, weeks and months go by so quickly. Each day you wake up thinking, let's just see what the day brings us. I began to realize rather quickly that I had taken so many things, including time, for granted. I always thought there would be time, we can do it next year or tomorrow or next week. I concerned myself in my B.C (or before cancer) life with things that created an intense amount of stress in my life yet looking back now, I can't even remember what they were. Nothing matters besides my mom anymore.
I sit through every appointment, asking all the right questions to make sure she is taken care of. I pre-occupy myself with all of the medical needs and daily routines to shut out the fact that my mom is going to die. Each time we see a doctor it seems to be one more piece of bad news to add to the mounting pile of already bad news we've received in the past 6 short months. Friends and family will ask what they can do to help, to be honest, no matter what they do the result will not change.
At 1:25 this morning as I sat on my mom's bed rubbing her arm and calming her down after she awoke in unbearable pain, I realized people need to hear what she has to teach. My mom holds on to a child like faith that everything will be allright. Beyond my feelings of helplessness, sadness, anger and fear I cling to this hope that we will get a miracle too. Maybe the doctors are wrong, maybe this is a test to make us stronger. If she can be in such pain that her whole body shakes and she can still hold on to hope, then I can too. Although I feel helpless almost every second of the day to this unfair and inhumane disease, I will not let go of my hope. When sadness surrounds you and you've not slept in days, hope is like your cup of coffee that get's you through the day and on to the next one.
Take care friends!
In the days and weeks that followed there would be CT scans, bone scans, MRI's and a biopsy all confirming what we had feared all along. It was in fact cancer, starting in her lungs and migrating to her brain. Thankfully it had not entered her bones. We would see several doctors to talk about treatments and surgery to remove a tumour from her brain. We would talk about timelines and medications and what to expect. No matter what they say, you never expect what comes next.
Days, weeks and months go by so quickly. Each day you wake up thinking, let's just see what the day brings us. I began to realize rather quickly that I had taken so many things, including time, for granted. I always thought there would be time, we can do it next year or tomorrow or next week. I concerned myself in my B.C (or before cancer) life with things that created an intense amount of stress in my life yet looking back now, I can't even remember what they were. Nothing matters besides my mom anymore.
I sit through every appointment, asking all the right questions to make sure she is taken care of. I pre-occupy myself with all of the medical needs and daily routines to shut out the fact that my mom is going to die. Each time we see a doctor it seems to be one more piece of bad news to add to the mounting pile of already bad news we've received in the past 6 short months. Friends and family will ask what they can do to help, to be honest, no matter what they do the result will not change.
At 1:25 this morning as I sat on my mom's bed rubbing her arm and calming her down after she awoke in unbearable pain, I realized people need to hear what she has to teach. My mom holds on to a child like faith that everything will be allright. Beyond my feelings of helplessness, sadness, anger and fear I cling to this hope that we will get a miracle too. Maybe the doctors are wrong, maybe this is a test to make us stronger. If she can be in such pain that her whole body shakes and she can still hold on to hope, then I can too. Although I feel helpless almost every second of the day to this unfair and inhumane disease, I will not let go of my hope. When sadness surrounds you and you've not slept in days, hope is like your cup of coffee that get's you through the day and on to the next one.
Take care friends!
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