There really is no way to prepare...

It has been weeks since I posted, apologies!  Much has happened physically, spiritually, emotionally!  I don't know where to even begin!  I mostly just need to write about what is most on my mind and consuming my life right now. Preparedness.

Be Prepared...hmmm...this motto is used quite often in Brownie's, Boy Scouts, LIFE, etc.  Ok, HOW?  I felt like I tried really hard while my mom was alive and fighting her Cancer to be on top of things.  I prepared for doctors appointments, trips to the cancer clinic, times I'd be away and who will give meds, long nights with out sleep, long days with lots of pain, etc.  Everyday was a calculated, planned out event...we were prepared.  The trouble is, I spent so much time and energy preparing for all of that, that I didn't prepare myself for what comes next.  I was completely blind sided there! BUT perhaps there is no way TO prepare for what comes next, I don't know.

It has been a month and a half since my momma went to heaven.  Life continues on around me like it didn't skip a beat.  After my mom passed away I thought surely I'd be starting to feel better a month and a half on down the line.  After all (like I have said to so many people) life will continue to go on.  Well, in my little world (or heart) it can't and it certainly hasn't.  Time stopped for me on Feb. 15th.  Each day I wake up and feel even sadder than the last.  I try to make myself feel better, I've tried so many things.  No matter what it is my mind somehow ends up back at my mom.  I just end up keeping myself busy with tasks that need to be done!  The trouble is that no matter how busy I keep myself at work or what have you, it just doesn't feel better!

This past Wednesday, after a few reminder calls from the cemetery, it was time to go pick up Momma's ashes.  I had forgotten once and just not shown up another time (on purpose) and cancelled a third time.  Each time they politely said, "It's ok, we will take care of your Mom until you can come."  I knew I needed back up!  I finally conceded to my brother that I couldn't go alone.  So he thankfully came with me.  I think what held me back was knowing that that little box was it.  All that remained of good night hugs and kisses, Christmas morning smiles, chicken soup when I'm sick, annoying phone calls in the middle of a busy day to say "hi!", advice, guidance, wisdom, and some most RIDICULOUS witty remarks for ANY possible situation. It was all in that box.  It was final.  There was nothing that could prepare me for that finality. Everyone can say until they are blue in the face that she is around me, looking down on me, watching over me, but it isn't the same as her physically hugging me.  If I knew the last hug she gave me was the last I would have hung on longer, or the last time she wiped my tears away would be the last time I would have cried longer, or the last time we talked would be the last time I never would have left the hospital that night.  The last deep conversation we had was about a beautiful dream home we would live in on a lake somewhere (we were watching the Home and Garden network!).

Life will never be the same for me.  I know this in my head, I'm not crazy!  I just am stuck right now wishing it wasn't different.  I have developed some CRAZY social anxiety and get physically sick when I am faced with group social situations.  Well, I developed a rather clever coping mechanism, STAY HOME!  I do know this challenge is one I do have to face at some point and I will, it's just hard.  I get very worked up because people I haven't seen yet will say "Sorry to hear about your mom".  I too have said these exact words to people not even realizing that my kind thoughts to them may actually be jabbing that knife in their heart a little bit deeper.  I get SO worked up that I have created a fear in my head about being around all people!  ME! I'm a friggin' social butterfly!  I also have developed this knack of crying at just about EVERYTHING!  I swear someday's I have to drink half the Nanaimo reservoir just to keep on top of my tears!

I suppose there really was no way of knowing or preparing for such a loss.  Maybe I could stop being so hard on myself about it now.  Maybe everyone is right, time is really all that can heal my broken heart.  I just miss her so much that I can't put it in to words and I certainly can't even begin to describe how it feels.

See you in Heaven Momma Bear....

Saturday we said our "Goodbye's" to, in my opinion, the best momma ever!  I couldn't believe the amount of people that attended to give her a send off.  I was amazed at the amount of lives my mother had touched or enriched.  It really is too bad it takes a memorial or Celebration of Life to bring us all together to celebrate one another.  If there is ANYTHING I've learned lately, it is to appreciate EVERYONE...right now!!!!!!!  I felt very overwhelmed on Saturday so I apologize if I didn't spend much time with you chatting or if I didn't even see you. I felt everyone's love and I am so appreciative of it.  I was truly amazed by my brother though.  I was too chicken to speak, I didn't think I could do it.  But he was so brave and spoke such beautiful words about our momma.  I am good at details and "business"....I can plan and execute events like nobodies business but I really find it difficult to find courage to do what he did.  I know he's probably reading this and I hope he knows how proud I am and that I do love him, even though I give him such a hard time!

I want to share the letter I wrote for my mom and that Pastor Gary so lovingly shared for me on Saturday.  I know she was there and she heard what I wrote.  I miss her every second of every day.  I look for her in every thing and I hope she is in Heaven having the time of her life!

xo


"Dear Mom,

Good morning sunshine!  Momma, I miss you.  Not a second of a day goes by that I don’t look for you, think about you or wonder what you are doing in Heaven.  I hope you know how much I love you and how sorry I am for all of the ridiculousness I caused you over the course of your life time.  I do love you so much and I am amazed more and more each day as I discover things about you that I never knew!  You really are a superhero.

My mornings, or days for that matter, are not the same with out you and our usual routine – coffee, soft boiled eggs, the “stories”, the Doctors (yes, the one in the blue scrubs is still cute), and then of course the home and garden network.  I can’t believe how quickly the past four months have gone!  I can’t believe how fast the past 30 years have gone by!  But I wouldn’t change one second of our adventure together. I have so many fun memories, you were so ridiculous sometimes!  Each time I hear a bell ring, I will think of “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  Each time I see a raccoon, well, I have no words, I will probably laugh until I cry! Broccoli and asparagus will definitely hold a special place in my heart for the rest of my life!  Who knew it would be so hard to get you to eat your veggies! As frustrating as those arguments were, I miss them too!  I even miss our sleepless nights, although I am not too anxious to stay up for 5 days straight EVER again!  Bless you Starbucks for getting us through that stretch!

Perhaps the most valuable lesson you ever gave me in life was the opportunity to help you navigate your Cancer.  It scared me, humbled me, inspired me, encouraged me, broke me, and strengthened me.   You helped me learn, in a matter of a few short months, what true priorities should be in life and that family, no matter if they are blood or not, is the most important thing a person can have in their life.  You taught me what true, unconditional love is and that it should be given to every person we are blessed to have in our lives.  Even as you fought for your life, you did not stop trying to enrich the lives of those around you, including mine. 

Mom, I can’t even begin to thank you for what you have given me.  I wouldn’t even know what to say.  I know, that is shocking, I always know what to say, stop laughing now!  Mostly I want you to know how thankful I am that you were chosen to be my momma.  You were the best one!  I will take you with me in my heart always.

Love you to the moon and back,

Melissa"