I never thought that people would be right in saying it would get easier as time went on (referring to the loss of my mom). After she first passed away I just couldn't fathom it ever being ok or easier! In fact, I would politely nod as they spoke all the while in my head cussing them out and thinking, it won't you big liar! What I have learned as time marches on is that they were right. It does get easier to get up every day, easier to live life, easier to move forward, and easier to remember with out always being sad! I will often think of my mom now and remember happy thoughts or memories with out crying, but instead laughing or smiling! There are some exceptions, not every day is sunshine and lollipops...today was one of those days! Today was an exceptionally difficult day. Many challenges were thrown my way personally and professionally but regardless of all of those things I pushed forward and remembered I had things to do! I found myself back in to Relay for Life mode.
Last night, Go Away Big Bad Cancer Monster, held it's first official team meeting for this years upcoming Relay and here I find myself back in "Relay Season", as I call it. A lot of time goes in to planning and fundraising for such an amazing organization (The Canadian Cancer Society) BUT I often think WHY I push so hard to raise so much and do everything humanly possible (even foregoing sleep at times). My "why" is because I have personally been touched by the work of the Canadian Cancer Society. However, I can't possibly think back to these bits of help and support with out reliving the really yucky times in my mom's fight. AND so here I find myself...having a tough day, reliving some sad, lonely moments spent in the hallways and waiting rooms at the cancer clinic and the hospital. Remembering the strangers that volunteered their time with the CCS that sat in those hallways and waiting rooms with me, holding my hand and wiping away tears, offering support, friendship and sometimes just a hug or a silly joke. I am also remembering doctors and nurses who worked so hard to make even the worst of days a bit more bearable for my mom. It's a pretty solid "why" in my mind and motivating even on sleepless nights and the mornings that come after them!!
Yes, Relay season is upon us here in Nanaimo and why do I Relay?? I Relay because too many moms, dads, sisters, brothers, friends and loved ones have had to fight cancer in the battle for their lives! I Relay because I know that the money raised at this event will support daughters, like me, in our community, sitting in those waiting rooms, needing a hand to hold and shoulder to cry on. I Relay so that one day we WILL live in a world free from Cancer!
Bring it on Relay Season!!
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Sunday, 28 April 2013
I think they would be proud...
My momma always told me I would do great things in my life. I think every mother says this to their child to motivate and inspire them but I have always been so focused on making MY momma proud.
My mom was always my biggest cheerleader in life. I think she cheered for me even when she knew I was making a mistake or doing something foolish. However, she always allowed me the opportunity to try it for myself and sometimes, learn a very valuable lesson from whatever that experience may be. It has been hard since she has been gone. I have a lot of cheerleaders in life but I always hope for that one pat on the back from my mom. I want her to be proud.
When Cancer stole my momma away from me a little over a year ago, I knew my life would never be the same again. I not only had a broken heart but a huge empty space in my world that she once filled. I knew I would NEVER forgive the illness that stole her away from me. I set out on a crusade to fight just as hard as my mom did against this BULLY! I set out to spread a message that we would not stand to be bullied by Cancer. WE will win and quite frankly, we'll kick it's ass hard core!
I didn't know where to begin or how I would attack this bully. I came up with a plan, I would start a Relay for Life team. I'm sure I could get a few people together and raise a little money. But, that just wasn't good enough for me. As in all area's of my life....I needed it big, large, and grand. Not only would I start a Relay team but I would set a goal to raise $5000. EASY! But then I thought....why not go bigger even and get my team to throw a gala! If we did that we could make $5000 easy....so why not raise our goal to $10,000! And that's is exactly what we did! I am SO extremely blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I do. My team has been so great, that I really have no words to thank them. I had a vision....I wanted to throw a gala. It would be on Daffodil Day....April 27th...and so, the Daffodil Dinner was born. In the past few months, weeks, days, hours, I watched a vision become a reality! Everything was perfect, exactly how I pictured it in my head. My team mates worked so incredibly hard at tonight's gala fundraiser and for that I thank them from the bottom of my heart! With their help and support and the support of each guest, I know we will crush our $10,000 goal by the time we participate in the Relay on June 14th. Tonight each of us took a memory of a loved one lost and concentrated that anger, sadness and love and....I KNOW they would be proud!
My mom was always my biggest cheerleader in life. I think she cheered for me even when she knew I was making a mistake or doing something foolish. However, she always allowed me the opportunity to try it for myself and sometimes, learn a very valuable lesson from whatever that experience may be. It has been hard since she has been gone. I have a lot of cheerleaders in life but I always hope for that one pat on the back from my mom. I want her to be proud.
When Cancer stole my momma away from me a little over a year ago, I knew my life would never be the same again. I not only had a broken heart but a huge empty space in my world that she once filled. I knew I would NEVER forgive the illness that stole her away from me. I set out on a crusade to fight just as hard as my mom did against this BULLY! I set out to spread a message that we would not stand to be bullied by Cancer. WE will win and quite frankly, we'll kick it's ass hard core!
I didn't know where to begin or how I would attack this bully. I came up with a plan, I would start a Relay for Life team. I'm sure I could get a few people together and raise a little money. But, that just wasn't good enough for me. As in all area's of my life....I needed it big, large, and grand. Not only would I start a Relay team but I would set a goal to raise $5000. EASY! But then I thought....why not go bigger even and get my team to throw a gala! If we did that we could make $5000 easy....so why not raise our goal to $10,000! And that's is exactly what we did! I am SO extremely blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I do. My team has been so great, that I really have no words to thank them. I had a vision....I wanted to throw a gala. It would be on Daffodil Day....April 27th...and so, the Daffodil Dinner was born. In the past few months, weeks, days, hours, I watched a vision become a reality! Everything was perfect, exactly how I pictured it in my head. My team mates worked so incredibly hard at tonight's gala fundraiser and for that I thank them from the bottom of my heart! With their help and support and the support of each guest, I know we will crush our $10,000 goal by the time we participate in the Relay on June 14th. Tonight each of us took a memory of a loved one lost and concentrated that anger, sadness and love and....I KNOW they would be proud!
Thursday, 28 March 2013
I will wear my Daffodil for you...
It has been 13 and a half months since my momma went to Heaven. It is odd how the days just roll by and all of a sudden you realize....it's been 13 and a half months already! I have found myself obsessed with a project though. What's the project?? Raising money for the Canadian Cancer Society. I have been a bit over the top, I'm ok with that though. Most people who know me know I'm extremely type "A" and can get a bit obsessed!
The truth of the matter is that we all have a story in which Cancer is the villain. My story is no more important than yours in the grand scheme of things. It is just the most important to me in the same regard that yours is the most important to you! This is what makes us so driven! The one thing all of our different stories have in common (besides the villain) is those of us left behind telling the story are joined in HOPE! Together we can hope for a future where there is no Cancer....and this is why I'm now obsessed with my new project :)
As I embarked on this journey or project this year (team captain for a Relay for Life team), I did so with apprehension. First my anxiety came from the thought that it might be too hard for me. As each fundraiser came along or as I asked the people in my life to donate to my cause I would be faced with the sad fact that I lost my mom not all that long ago. After I got past this and told myself I would get through that with all of the amazing support I have in my life, I began to worry....what if I can't reach my goal! I still sit in that worry a bit. I have set out to raise $10,000 with my team. What drives me each day to obtain that goal is the faces of each daughter, son, husband, wife, mother, father, friend, and so on that I saw each time I stepped foot in the Cancer clinic or the PCU. I can't bear to disappoint those people. They are the people that count on these funds! During my mom's fight, we were lucky enough to have support from the CCS and I was SO very lucky to have met an unforgettable volunteer that I simply knew as Gran. She was everything that the CCS embodied and so much more! I recently found out that Gran's cancer came back and she lost her courageous battle to the "monster". She always amazed me at how she could be so positive all the while secretly fighting her own war. Everyone going through cancer treatment (patients, family and friends) needs to have a Gran!
You may have noticed " yellow poppies" (as my little preschool bunch calls it) AKA daffodil pins out in the community. That's because the Canadian Cancer Society is gearing up for Daffodil Month capped off by Daffodil Day on April 27th. The funds raised by this movement are so valuable to help people like Gran help me, or you, or your neighbour, friend, co-worker! Who will you wear your daffodil for? I will be wearing mine in memory of my mom, my step mom, an amazing woman named Gran and all the other amazing people out there courageously fighting. So what if people think we're over the top! A little yellow pin can symbolize so much in a battle that we MUST keep fighting for one day we will win the war!
The truth of the matter is that we all have a story in which Cancer is the villain. My story is no more important than yours in the grand scheme of things. It is just the most important to me in the same regard that yours is the most important to you! This is what makes us so driven! The one thing all of our different stories have in common (besides the villain) is those of us left behind telling the story are joined in HOPE! Together we can hope for a future where there is no Cancer....and this is why I'm now obsessed with my new project :)
As I embarked on this journey or project this year (team captain for a Relay for Life team), I did so with apprehension. First my anxiety came from the thought that it might be too hard for me. As each fundraiser came along or as I asked the people in my life to donate to my cause I would be faced with the sad fact that I lost my mom not all that long ago. After I got past this and told myself I would get through that with all of the amazing support I have in my life, I began to worry....what if I can't reach my goal! I still sit in that worry a bit. I have set out to raise $10,000 with my team. What drives me each day to obtain that goal is the faces of each daughter, son, husband, wife, mother, father, friend, and so on that I saw each time I stepped foot in the Cancer clinic or the PCU. I can't bear to disappoint those people. They are the people that count on these funds! During my mom's fight, we were lucky enough to have support from the CCS and I was SO very lucky to have met an unforgettable volunteer that I simply knew as Gran. She was everything that the CCS embodied and so much more! I recently found out that Gran's cancer came back and she lost her courageous battle to the "monster". She always amazed me at how she could be so positive all the while secretly fighting her own war. Everyone going through cancer treatment (patients, family and friends) needs to have a Gran!
You may have noticed " yellow poppies" (as my little preschool bunch calls it) AKA daffodil pins out in the community. That's because the Canadian Cancer Society is gearing up for Daffodil Month capped off by Daffodil Day on April 27th. The funds raised by this movement are so valuable to help people like Gran help me, or you, or your neighbour, friend, co-worker! Who will you wear your daffodil for? I will be wearing mine in memory of my mom, my step mom, an amazing woman named Gran and all the other amazing people out there courageously fighting. So what if people think we're over the top! A little yellow pin can symbolize so much in a battle that we MUST keep fighting for one day we will win the war!
Monday, 28 January 2013
Baby, you're never alone....
When it came time to plan a memorial for my momma, I didn't know where to begin. My mom had always been the one to know exactly what to do in this situation! I never paid attention! The one thing I did know is that I wanted to pay tribute to her life in photographs (a bit of a hidden hobby of mine!). I watch that slide show probably at least once a week, even now, and think about her and the memories we made. One of the songs I chose for the slide show is a song by Lady Antebellum, Never Alone. It speaks to me and reminds me of her on SO many levels that just simply hearing it will take my breath away. My mom always used to tell me that as long as we had each other, we would never be alone. When she passed away, I felt lost! Because now, I was "alone" so to speak (even if it was in my own mind at the time). Don't get me wrong, I have SO many amazing friends and family but no one could replace my momma.
It took me a very, VERY long time to realise that the lyrics to the song were actually true "My love will follow you stay with you. Baby, you're never alone". As I've continued on the journey recently, I have realised just how true this is. I'm not extremely spiritual BUT if I am having a particularly hard day and I miss my momma, I find that night I will dream about her and it will make me feel like she's there. I truly believe that she is around keeping tabs on me and making sure I behave! I know I feel her look of disappointment when I do something I know I shouldn't have and I can feel her pride when I do something I know she would be proud of. Just because she can't reach out and physically hug me anymore, doesn't me she's not there, so I'm never alone because she is in my heart. That's actually the best place for her because she can go on all of my adventures with me! It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally allowed myself to let go a little bit of all the things I wish I'd said (or hadn't said) and just be happy in the memories I have that no one else will ever get. I still miss her terribly but it is getting easier to get out of bed than it used to!
As the first anniversary of my mom's trip to Heaven approaches, I'm challenged to remember all of the people who wouldn't let me be alone. Those friends and family that, no matter what, held my hand and said "Let's go, we're in this together!" I can never put in to words what that has been like or how thankful I am to have you! This June I plan to honour my mom and my step mom in the Relay for Life, it has become even more apparent to me through this plan alone that "Baby, you're never alone" !!
It took me a very, VERY long time to realise that the lyrics to the song were actually true "My love will follow you stay with you. Baby, you're never alone". As I've continued on the journey recently, I have realised just how true this is. I'm not extremely spiritual BUT if I am having a particularly hard day and I miss my momma, I find that night I will dream about her and it will make me feel like she's there. I truly believe that she is around keeping tabs on me and making sure I behave! I know I feel her look of disappointment when I do something I know I shouldn't have and I can feel her pride when I do something I know she would be proud of. Just because she can't reach out and physically hug me anymore, doesn't me she's not there, so I'm never alone because she is in my heart. That's actually the best place for her because she can go on all of my adventures with me! It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I finally allowed myself to let go a little bit of all the things I wish I'd said (or hadn't said) and just be happy in the memories I have that no one else will ever get. I still miss her terribly but it is getting easier to get out of bed than it used to!
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
~Lady Antebellum~
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
~Lady Antebellum~
Never Alone
Monday, 31 December 2012
Should Auld acquaintance be forgot....
2012 is about to draw to an end. I've been reflecting on the closure of this year and the welcoming of a new year for many days now. Today I scrolled through the Facebook news feed and there they were, post upon post of gratitude for what the past year has brought people and new hope for 2013. I can't help but think to myself, "2012 brought me grief, loss, stress, anxiety, depression, and a hole in my heart I don't know that I will ever be able to fill." However, 2012 did bring me new friendships, new experiences and successes as well. I suppose I have been stuck reflecting on the fact that my world has changed so much and was rocked so extremely hard with me left wondering how do I go on? I am proud of the success and it hasn't been all gloom and doom (we didn't die in the Mayan apocalypse after all!) but the majority of the days, I went through the motions as opposed to actually living.
I became curious about the traditional "ring in the New Year" song, Auld Lang Syne, today. So, I googled it! It turns out the poem that the song originated from was written by none other than the fabulously Scottish, Robbie Burns! After reading what is thought to be the original wording of the poem I reflected even MORE but it brought a strange peace to me. It basically reads (to me, and I am no literary genius at all!) that even though we may have hurts, lost loves, etc we should move forward to focus on the good while remembering the past but not letting it define us. Maybe I'm off...if I am please don't tell me because for the first time since before Christmas I feel like I can move forward in to 2013 with a little bit of hope. Hope that my heart will stop hurting, I won't cry at EVERY new episode of Parenthood, I won't get a tummy ache from anxiety, and I will miss my mom but focus on the good memories instead of the things I wish I hadn't said.
I was listening the radio before Christmas and they were talking that you should set 5 goals for the new year because then there is a good chance you will stick to at least one. I know it is SO cliche to set a New Years resolution and that we seldom stick to them OR even remember what they are come February but I am hoping that by setting the following goals for myself and putting it out there in the universe, I will have people to hold me accountable to them and not let me forget. I am hoping to achieve all of them in 2013....
In 2013...
*I will work a lot less and enjoy life a lot more.
*I will do at least one spontaneous thing each week with out letting my mind (or anxiety) talk me out of it.
*I will erase the clutter from my life. This includes but is not limited to the clutter I hold on to in my house, storage unit, closet, AND emotional clutter.
*I will stop making excuses and actively live a healthier lifestyle. I will stop saying, "I know, I know" and start actually DOING!
*I will forgive myself for things I can't change and stop continually punishing myself for the mistakes I have made.
*I will focus solely on the happy memories I have of my mom and remember that no matter what I ever did or the trouble I ever caused her, she forgave me and loved me in spite of it all.
*I will forgive others and let go of the resentment I have held on to in these situations. It only creates trouble for me, no one else!
I realise those are 7 lofty goals but I have 12 months and so do you :) Happy New Year! May 2013 bring you all the things you hope and dream for!
I became curious about the traditional "ring in the New Year" song, Auld Lang Syne, today. So, I googled it! It turns out the poem that the song originated from was written by none other than the fabulously Scottish, Robbie Burns! After reading what is thought to be the original wording of the poem I reflected even MORE but it brought a strange peace to me. It basically reads (to me, and I am no literary genius at all!) that even though we may have hurts, lost loves, etc we should move forward to focus on the good while remembering the past but not letting it define us. Maybe I'm off...if I am please don't tell me because for the first time since before Christmas I feel like I can move forward in to 2013 with a little bit of hope. Hope that my heart will stop hurting, I won't cry at EVERY new episode of Parenthood, I won't get a tummy ache from anxiety, and I will miss my mom but focus on the good memories instead of the things I wish I hadn't said.
I was listening the radio before Christmas and they were talking that you should set 5 goals for the new year because then there is a good chance you will stick to at least one. I know it is SO cliche to set a New Years resolution and that we seldom stick to them OR even remember what they are come February but I am hoping that by setting the following goals for myself and putting it out there in the universe, I will have people to hold me accountable to them and not let me forget. I am hoping to achieve all of them in 2013....
In 2013...
*I will work a lot less and enjoy life a lot more.
*I will do at least one spontaneous thing each week with out letting my mind (or anxiety) talk me out of it.
*I will erase the clutter from my life. This includes but is not limited to the clutter I hold on to in my house, storage unit, closet, AND emotional clutter.
*I will stop making excuses and actively live a healthier lifestyle. I will stop saying, "I know, I know" and start actually DOING!
*I will forgive myself for things I can't change and stop continually punishing myself for the mistakes I have made.
*I will focus solely on the happy memories I have of my mom and remember that no matter what I ever did or the trouble I ever caused her, she forgave me and loved me in spite of it all.
*I will forgive others and let go of the resentment I have held on to in these situations. It only creates trouble for me, no one else!
I realise those are 7 lofty goals but I have 12 months and so do you :) Happy New Year! May 2013 bring you all the things you hope and dream for!
Monday, 24 December 2012
Is there Christmas in Heaven?
I woke up this morning with many thoughts in my head, thoughts that have been racing through my mind for weeks now. I had been so tired last night but my sleep was plagued with dreams and memories of Christmas' past. No, I'm not Scrooge and I wasn't visited by 3 ghosts! The dream that was in the forefront of my mind was a memory of a Christmas many, MANY years ago when I was just a child. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. Me and my brother wanted a Nintendo for Christmas so bad. We had been SO good and asked Santa for one and I was sure he would be bringing one for us! A few days before Christmas, our house was broken in to and when we were surveying the damage (mostly in my moms bedroom) there was our Nintendo on the bedroom floor, not stolen, but out for everyones eyes to see. My mom quickly rushed us out but I had a question! "Why do you have a Nintendo in your room for yourself?" I asked my mom. I was very confused, was she not going to share it OR was it really for us? Her response to me was a cool as a cucumber, "Well Melissa, Santa is so busy this time of year and he drops off gifts here for me to wrap up for him. He lets me know if you've been good and if you have, they go under the tree." I was determined for the next few days to be extremely good! But that's how my mom was. She didn't let a little burglary phase her. She continued on and made Christmas a really special time for us, like she always did. She may have been panicking on the inside but she never showed it!
The holidays are a difficult time. I hear so many of my friends with their child-like excitement about the impending holiday and I feel so jealous, I just can't muster up the same excitement. My whole first 30 years of existence were celebrated one way and last year was hard enough with my mom being so sick but at least she was there, this year she is not. Every little thing about the holiday is wrapped up in my moms memory. She always made it something to look forward to. I think about all the bustling and stress we put ourselves under to have the "perfect" holiday. It can't be made perfect. What makes the holiday perfect and magical is the time you spend making memories with your family and loved ones. You can look back next year and laugh and say "Remember when.....".
This year we are making new memories and traditions. At first I was reluctant but at some point last week I opened myself up to it and it is quite enjoyable so far. There is just one missing piece and I am hopeful that She is watching down on me wiping away my tears when they come, wrapping me up in a big Christmas hug and wishing me a Merry Christmas.
I wonder if they set up a tree in Heaven? If they didn't before my mom arrived, I'm sure they do now! She probably talked them in to putting it up mid November! I hope she is enjoying the holiday with those that we have lost along the way that she hasn't been able to celebrate with for a long time. Merry Christmas Momma!
The holidays are a difficult time. I hear so many of my friends with their child-like excitement about the impending holiday and I feel so jealous, I just can't muster up the same excitement. My whole first 30 years of existence were celebrated one way and last year was hard enough with my mom being so sick but at least she was there, this year she is not. Every little thing about the holiday is wrapped up in my moms memory. She always made it something to look forward to. I think about all the bustling and stress we put ourselves under to have the "perfect" holiday. It can't be made perfect. What makes the holiday perfect and magical is the time you spend making memories with your family and loved ones. You can look back next year and laugh and say "Remember when.....".
This year we are making new memories and traditions. At first I was reluctant but at some point last week I opened myself up to it and it is quite enjoyable so far. There is just one missing piece and I am hopeful that She is watching down on me wiping away my tears when they come, wrapping me up in a big Christmas hug and wishing me a Merry Christmas.
I wonder if they set up a tree in Heaven? If they didn't before my mom arrived, I'm sure they do now! She probably talked them in to putting it up mid November! I hope she is enjoying the holiday with those that we have lost along the way that she hasn't been able to celebrate with for a long time. Merry Christmas Momma!
Monday, 19 November 2012
To my mom...on a sad day
Momma,
Your brother called me at work today. He is an example of someone (or something) you always protected me from. "Ignore him, that's just my brother" you said to me when you got really sick. He wants to sue someone for "compensation" for losing his entire family he told me. He wanted me to join in. I can only assume he is thinking SD 68 because he was on and on about how it was the asbestos from Grampa Gordon's job all those years with them that made you and Gramma Winnie and Grampa Gordon sick. I tried to explain to him what all the doctors said but he told me that doctors don't know what they are talking about and are all in conspiracy together. I know this is all foolishness and I got SO angry having to tell him several times to drop it, that I wanted nothing to do with it. It just made me miss you. He made it about him and it is about you. I feel like he could have cared less while you were alive and now suddenly he thinks he should be compensated?! I tried to ignore it, he's just your brother, and he's like that (I heard you saying this to me). But I couldn't ignore it. I hung up the phone and couldn't hold it back. I was all alone and I sobbed so loud. I tried calling anyone I could think of but no one answered their phones. I just needed to talk to you and that is what made me so sad, I just couldn't. It seems SO unfair and I hate it!
I am thinking about you a lot lately with everything that is coming up. I wish you would be here for Christmas, it's Brooklyn's first one. It won't be the same with out you. I hate that you won't be here for Christmas. I will still watch It's a Wonderful Life, but who will I watch it with...it really isn't Graeme's favourite. Who will cry with me when Clarence gets his wings?
I miss you so much and I really hope heaven is beautiful and that you are happy there.
xo Baby
xo Baby
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