It has been weeks since I posted, apologies! Much has happened physically, spiritually, emotionally! I don't know where to even begin! I mostly just need to write about what is most on my mind and consuming my life right now. Preparedness.
Be Prepared...hmmm...this motto is used quite often in Brownie's, Boy Scouts, LIFE, etc. Ok, HOW? I felt like I tried really hard while my mom was alive and fighting her Cancer to be on top of things. I prepared for doctors appointments, trips to the cancer clinic, times I'd be away and who will give meds, long nights with out sleep, long days with lots of pain, etc. Everyday was a calculated, planned out event...we were prepared. The trouble is, I spent so much time and energy preparing for all of that, that I didn't prepare myself for what comes next. I was completely blind sided there! BUT perhaps there is no way TO prepare for what comes next, I don't know.
It has been a month and a half since my momma went to heaven. Life continues on around me like it didn't skip a beat. After my mom passed away I thought surely I'd be starting to feel better a month and a half on down the line. After all (like I have said to so many people) life will continue to go on. Well, in my little world (or heart) it can't and it certainly hasn't. Time stopped for me on Feb. 15th. Each day I wake up and feel even sadder than the last. I try to make myself feel better, I've tried so many things. No matter what it is my mind somehow ends up back at my mom. I just end up keeping myself busy with tasks that need to be done! The trouble is that no matter how busy I keep myself at work or what have you, it just doesn't feel better!
This past Wednesday, after a few reminder calls from the cemetery, it was time to go pick up Momma's ashes. I had forgotten once and just not shown up another time (on purpose) and cancelled a third time. Each time they politely said, "It's ok, we will take care of your Mom until you can come." I knew I needed back up! I finally conceded to my brother that I couldn't go alone. So he thankfully came with me. I think what held me back was knowing that that little box was it. All that remained of good night hugs and kisses, Christmas morning smiles, chicken soup when I'm sick, annoying phone calls in the middle of a busy day to say "hi!", advice, guidance, wisdom, and some most RIDICULOUS witty remarks for ANY possible situation. It was all in that box. It was final. There was nothing that could prepare me for that finality. Everyone can say until they are blue in the face that she is around me, looking down on me, watching over me, but it isn't the same as her physically hugging me. If I knew the last hug she gave me was the last I would have hung on longer, or the last time she wiped my tears away would be the last time I would have cried longer, or the last time we talked would be the last time I never would have left the hospital that night. The last deep conversation we had was about a beautiful dream home we would live in on a lake somewhere (we were watching the Home and Garden network!).
Life will never be the same for me. I know this in my head, I'm not crazy! I just am stuck right now wishing it wasn't different. I have developed some CRAZY social anxiety and get physically sick when I am faced with group social situations. Well, I developed a rather clever coping mechanism, STAY HOME! I do know this challenge is one I do have to face at some point and I will, it's just hard. I get very worked up because people I haven't seen yet will say "Sorry to hear about your mom". I too have said these exact words to people not even realizing that my kind thoughts to them may actually be jabbing that knife in their heart a little bit deeper. I get SO worked up that I have created a fear in my head about being around all people! ME! I'm a friggin' social butterfly! I also have developed this knack of crying at just about EVERYTHING! I swear someday's I have to drink half the Nanaimo reservoir just to keep on top of my tears!
I suppose there really was no way of knowing or preparing for such a loss. Maybe I could stop being so hard on myself about it now. Maybe everyone is right, time is really all that can heal my broken heart. I just miss her so much that I can't put it in to words and I certainly can't even begin to describe how it feels.
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Monday, 5 March 2012
See you in Heaven Momma Bear....
Saturday we said our "Goodbye's" to, in my opinion, the best momma ever! I couldn't believe the amount of people that attended to give her a send off. I was amazed at the amount of lives my mother had touched or enriched. It really is too bad it takes a memorial or Celebration of Life to bring us all together to celebrate one another. If there is ANYTHING I've learned lately, it is to appreciate EVERYONE...right now!!!!!!! I felt very overwhelmed on Saturday so I apologize if I didn't spend much time with you chatting or if I didn't even see you. I felt everyone's love and I am so appreciative of it. I was truly amazed by my brother though. I was too chicken to speak, I didn't think I could do it. But he was so brave and spoke such beautiful words about our momma. I am good at details and "business"....I can plan and execute events like nobodies business but I really find it difficult to find courage to do what he did. I know he's probably reading this and I hope he knows how proud I am and that I do love him, even though I give him such a hard time!
I want to share the letter I wrote for my mom and that Pastor Gary so lovingly shared for me on Saturday. I know she was there and she heard what I wrote. I miss her every second of every day. I look for her in every thing and I hope she is in Heaven having the time of her life!
xo
"Dear Mom,
I want to share the letter I wrote for my mom and that Pastor Gary so lovingly shared for me on Saturday. I know she was there and she heard what I wrote. I miss her every second of every day. I look for her in every thing and I hope she is in Heaven having the time of her life!
xo
"Dear Mom,
Good morning sunshine! Momma, I miss you. Not a second of a day goes by that I don’t look for you, think about you or wonder what you are doing in Heaven. I hope you know how much I love you and how sorry I am for all of the ridiculousness I caused you over the course of your life time. I do love you so much and I am amazed more and more each day as I discover things about you that I never knew! You really are a superhero.
My mornings, or days for that matter, are not the same with out you and our usual routine – coffee, soft boiled eggs, the “stories”, the Doctors (yes, the one in the blue scrubs is still cute), and then of course the home and garden network. I can’t believe how quickly the past four months have gone! I can’t believe how fast the past 30 years have gone by! But I wouldn’t change one second of our adventure together. I have so many fun memories, you were so ridiculous sometimes! Each time I hear a bell ring, I will think of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Each time I see a raccoon, well, I have no words, I will probably laugh until I cry! Broccoli and asparagus will definitely hold a special place in my heart for the rest of my life! Who knew it would be so hard to get you to eat your veggies! As frustrating as those arguments were, I miss them too! I even miss our sleepless nights, although I am not too anxious to stay up for 5 days straight EVER again! Bless you Starbucks for getting us through that stretch!
Perhaps the most valuable lesson you ever gave me in life was the opportunity to help you navigate your Cancer. It scared me, humbled me, inspired me, encouraged me, broke me, and strengthened me. You helped me learn, in a matter of a few short months, what true priorities should be in life and that family, no matter if they are blood or not, is the most important thing a person can have in their life. You taught me what true, unconditional love is and that it should be given to every person we are blessed to have in our lives. Even as you fought for your life, you did not stop trying to enrich the lives of those around you, including mine.
Mom, I can’t even begin to thank you for what you have given me. I wouldn’t even know what to say. I know, that is shocking, I always know what to say, stop laughing now! Mostly I want you to know how thankful I am that you were chosen to be my momma. You were the best one! I will take you with me in my heart always.
Melissa"
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Lost in the woods...
It has been a week since Momma bear went to heaven. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much that your whole body aches. The only way I can describe it is that I never truly knew what a broken heart was until I lost my momma.
Things around the forest have changed! We meticulously sort through her things, wonder why she kept boxes of old stuff, smell her in her closet, and mourn the part of our lives that had momma in them. I feel lost in many ways. The past four months, I've been engrossed in every aspect of my mom's daily needs, medications, schedules, LIFE! I don't have that anymore and it is an eerie feeling. Many MANY people have offered to help me sort through her things but there is a peace that comes over me when I work through her memories. I will come across boxes of things she felt were important and I will get lost in investigating every single piece. I wish (very often) that she was there with me so I could ask her "Why in the world did you keep this!" I imagine what her thoughts were when she packed it all away. When I was younger I used to make my mom cards for every occasion, I was pretty crafty! She still has every single one! I felt a knot in my stomach as I found card upon card, not only because I missed her but because I thought of all the times I had said nasty things to her as a teenager or the period of time that I was SO angry with her that I didn't speak to her for...well...a VERY long time! I wonder, did momma know that I was truly sorry for those things even though I told her I was, did she feel in her heart that I was sorry?
I was cleaning out her bedroom and I vacuumed and quickly realised that since momma wasn't using her bedroom since September, it hadn't been vacuumed in many months. The following may sound awfully yucky but I vacuumed up so much hair because it had started to fall out and she was so embarrassed that this was happening she refused to get it shaved. "It might not all fall out" she told me for several weeks until she let me see her with out her scarf on finally. I sat there thinking last night, not only did she have to deal with cancer BUT she took on shame for now being bald too. BUT not once did she complain! I never once heard her tell a doctor or nurse or support worker that she was in pain or complain about anything. Her and I would talk about fairness, normally instigated by me when I was feeling sad, and of course neither of us would describe the situation as fair BUT she didn't lay down with a "Poor me" attitude. She always maintained a positive outlook and at times it would frustrate me because I was so angry but her peace gave me peace and a whole lot more courage than I thought I had.
I would rather not tell the terrible story of the weeks preceding her trip to heaven. I have had to talk to more people than I care to about what happened and how fast it was etc. I don't want to relive it anymore than I already do in my dreams (which btw, I finally slept a good sleep last night with only one dream about mom but it wasn't the same as the nightmare this time). I want to talk about my momma and the things that she did! Like the look she gave my dad two days before she passed away when he said something about being cold and she turned and looked at him with her BIG eyes and fuzzy head and sharp as a tack responded "Well if some of us wore pants!" My dad always wears shorts! Or the night that Graeme and I got her a personalised, autographed picture from Travis Lulay (the quarterback for the BC Lions) and how excited she was when I gave it to her and how she fell asleep holding it and upon waking up in the morning asked, "Melissa, did I dream it or did I get an autographed picture from Travis Lulay last night?" Then there was the night we went to Butchart Gardens and she wanted hot cocoa. Well....it was HOT! She had started to get shaky with her medications and just the amount of pain she was in and I was wheeling her on cobblestone paths. All of those factors equalled a recipe for spilled hot cocoa! Just a little bit on her coat and hand BUT she licked her hand and said "Not to worry, it warmed my paws up!" There are so many things I remember about her BESIDES the fact that she had cancer and THOSE are the things I want to think about and talk about. Because I miss her so much, I want to hear those things and then I don't miss her as much but remember how amazing she was.
It is finally time to release a photo of momma that if she knew I posted she might just send me to MY grave! But it is cute and I really love it! It is a picture of our first stay in the hospital, up on the 4th floor, with our beloved German (crazy) neighbour! Graeme got momma some headphones and she was rocking out :) Another example of how she made the best out of a yucky situation!
Finally, a Celebration Service is being held for momma on Saturday March 3rd at 1:30 at the Sands Funeral Chapel (1 Newcastle ave. Nanaimo) to honor her life and the many ways she touched all of us!
Things around the forest have changed! We meticulously sort through her things, wonder why she kept boxes of old stuff, smell her in her closet, and mourn the part of our lives that had momma in them. I feel lost in many ways. The past four months, I've been engrossed in every aspect of my mom's daily needs, medications, schedules, LIFE! I don't have that anymore and it is an eerie feeling. Many MANY people have offered to help me sort through her things but there is a peace that comes over me when I work through her memories. I will come across boxes of things she felt were important and I will get lost in investigating every single piece. I wish (very often) that she was there with me so I could ask her "Why in the world did you keep this!" I imagine what her thoughts were when she packed it all away. When I was younger I used to make my mom cards for every occasion, I was pretty crafty! She still has every single one! I felt a knot in my stomach as I found card upon card, not only because I missed her but because I thought of all the times I had said nasty things to her as a teenager or the period of time that I was SO angry with her that I didn't speak to her for...well...a VERY long time! I wonder, did momma know that I was truly sorry for those things even though I told her I was, did she feel in her heart that I was sorry?
I was cleaning out her bedroom and I vacuumed and quickly realised that since momma wasn't using her bedroom since September, it hadn't been vacuumed in many months. The following may sound awfully yucky but I vacuumed up so much hair because it had started to fall out and she was so embarrassed that this was happening she refused to get it shaved. "It might not all fall out" she told me for several weeks until she let me see her with out her scarf on finally. I sat there thinking last night, not only did she have to deal with cancer BUT she took on shame for now being bald too. BUT not once did she complain! I never once heard her tell a doctor or nurse or support worker that she was in pain or complain about anything. Her and I would talk about fairness, normally instigated by me when I was feeling sad, and of course neither of us would describe the situation as fair BUT she didn't lay down with a "Poor me" attitude. She always maintained a positive outlook and at times it would frustrate me because I was so angry but her peace gave me peace and a whole lot more courage than I thought I had.
I would rather not tell the terrible story of the weeks preceding her trip to heaven. I have had to talk to more people than I care to about what happened and how fast it was etc. I don't want to relive it anymore than I already do in my dreams (which btw, I finally slept a good sleep last night with only one dream about mom but it wasn't the same as the nightmare this time). I want to talk about my momma and the things that she did! Like the look she gave my dad two days before she passed away when he said something about being cold and she turned and looked at him with her BIG eyes and fuzzy head and sharp as a tack responded "Well if some of us wore pants!" My dad always wears shorts! Or the night that Graeme and I got her a personalised, autographed picture from Travis Lulay (the quarterback for the BC Lions) and how excited she was when I gave it to her and how she fell asleep holding it and upon waking up in the morning asked, "Melissa, did I dream it or did I get an autographed picture from Travis Lulay last night?" Then there was the night we went to Butchart Gardens and she wanted hot cocoa. Well....it was HOT! She had started to get shaky with her medications and just the amount of pain she was in and I was wheeling her on cobblestone paths. All of those factors equalled a recipe for spilled hot cocoa! Just a little bit on her coat and hand BUT she licked her hand and said "Not to worry, it warmed my paws up!" There are so many things I remember about her BESIDES the fact that she had cancer and THOSE are the things I want to think about and talk about. Because I miss her so much, I want to hear those things and then I don't miss her as much but remember how amazing she was.
It is finally time to release a photo of momma that if she knew I posted she might just send me to MY grave! But it is cute and I really love it! It is a picture of our first stay in the hospital, up on the 4th floor, with our beloved German (crazy) neighbour! Graeme got momma some headphones and she was rocking out :) Another example of how she made the best out of a yucky situation!
Finally, a Celebration Service is being held for momma on Saturday March 3rd at 1:30 at the Sands Funeral Chapel (1 Newcastle ave. Nanaimo) to honor her life and the many ways she touched all of us!
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Momma bear went to heaven...
I have come to a conclusion in the past week, that what we plan isn't always what the universe plans for us. I was apprehensive yet happy when my mom was well enough to return home a week ago today. She wanted to go home so badly. She also knew something greater than ourselves is at work. My mom told me last Thursday she would be my valentine. We were watching a sappy commercial. She held true to her promise and she was the best valentine a daughter could ever ask for. However, sadly, she knew that she was tired of fighting the disease that had quickly invaded her body and taken over. Momma bear, surrounded by friends and family, slipped away peacefully this morning. I miss her already but I am comforted knowing she is no longer suffering from unbearable pain.
In loving memory of Joyce Rita Baldassi (Schulz) October 18th, 1955- February 15th 2012
"You got me through the days
When I thought I couldn't face it
Let me count the ways
The love we have you can't replace it
Just hold on, I'm not that strong
There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day"
~Heaven, Theory of a Deadman~
In loving memory of Joyce Rita Baldassi (Schulz) October 18th, 1955- February 15th 2012
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Back in the forest....
Life is surprising. It never goes how you expect it will, even though you try to prepare for things, that preparation can sometimes seem like time well wasted! Last week at this time I was preparing for the worst. I was preparing to have to say goodbye to my momma in a matter of days, maybe a week. She surprised us all, doctors included.
We were finally moved in to the Palliative Care Unit at the hospital on Saturday night. It was becoming clear that we may never return home with mom. At least she was in a good place, it was much quieter and she could be peaceful. She was confused, they had increased her medication more than double to what she was taking before her vacation to NRGH and her brain needed time to catch up with the narcotic.
On Monday we had a very positive morning, she was much clearer and was becoming much more stable than what she had been. This was all good news and came as a bit of a surprise, although I don't know why, my mom is the MOST stubborn person I know! Now you know where I get it from :) The doctor said if she remains stable and we can get a plan set up, we could take her home towards the end of the week. Momma liked this news VERY much! We also received news that on Tuesday momma would go to Victoria for a radiation treatment on that pesky right hip that has been causing so much grief!
Tuesday...OH what a day! I was told to meet my mom at the cancer clinic at 9:00am. She would be travelling by ambulance to Victoria which already scared her and made her anxious. I got stuck in rush hour traffic and panicked when my car clock said 9:02. I called the clinic and was told that my mom hadn't arrived yet. I got to the cancer clinic a few minutes later and thought they were lying to me when they said momma hadn't arrived yet. Why not? They left the hospital at 7:00am in Nanaimo?? So I anxiously paced and waited as time ticked on. If you were among the few that got an anxious text during that time, you can confirm...I was a hot mess! This cub doesn't like to be seperated from her momma that long! I was holding back tears of anxiety when who's hand should I find on my shoulder with a hot tea? Gran! She somehow saw or heard that my mom had an appointment and knew we would be in the clinic. She waited with me until the ambulance arrived....an hour and a half late! They had left Nanaimo late. I didn't know how these transfers worked so I was expecting that the world ran on the same schedule I did, I suppose not EVERYTHING revolves around me! I was thankful to have Gran to wait with! Once we got momma settled on to a more comfy bed we waited for our oncologist and went through the whole process once again. Momma went to CT, they marked her (which again she HATES), and she had treatment on her hip. We opted out of an additional treatment to her chest because it did nothing the first time and mom isn't super strong so it would be silly to put her through something like that. The oncologist did show me mom's chest x-ray. She was flipping pages in her file and I asked to see it. She explained what the cancer looks like and what the healthy part of her lung looks like. It was scary yet nice to see. It helps me understand what exactly is going on in her lungs. The cancer has set up shop in there and is taking over. Bastard. No wonder she struggles to breath, I can't imagine what that would feel like.
When we were all finished in Victoria, mom rode back to the hospital in an ambulance. When she finally got back she was very anxious and upset. She was confused and upset with me for not believing what she was saying. You see, she was convinced she had been in a car accident with a woman she used to work with. This, in turn, upset me and I needed a break. It was a very tough day on her full of anxiety and she needed a couple days to rest. Little did I know what was coming...
Wednesday....I got to the hospital and momma was still sleeping. A hospital liaison worker came in and announced, "We're sending you home today!" My immediate reaction was PANIC! The house isn't ready, what about home support, she just had radiation, I can't do this at home by myself, it takes 2 nurses to get her up, this is a day earlier than you said. I had a minor panic attack but my mom's nurse was so amazing and talked me through everything and so did her doctor. (SIDEBAR...the doctor told her she could eat whatever she wanted to, the higher the fat the better...I guess no more force feeding broccoli! AND she can have alcohol again! I think she loves him more than she loves me!!) They would work out all of the logistics so all I had to do was be there for her. Home support was going to get set up, it was all taken care of! We got home and mom was sooo happy! I admit, it was a very nice feeling because I didn't think she would get to come home. There were a few hiccups (ok major issues with paper work not getting sent to home support, etc.) which made me anxious BUT we did get through them. We all got a great nights rest and it isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. There are extra steps and things to consider about her care now that weren't there before, but she's comfortable and happy. That is all I want! Miss Joy has been SO very helpful as well as several other friends and family. I can't thank people enough for the kindness they've shown us making dinners, sitting with mom, getting things for us that I can't get out to pick up! Its very sweet and it doesn't go unappreciated!
Whats next for momma bear? This is an excellent question. I don't believe it is a great secret that her prognosis remains the same. She is very sick. Although she did get to come home, it will be for a matter of weeks only. She may surprise us all and fight for more time, she is stubborn after all. She told me yesterday that she is afraid to go to heaven. I didn't know what to say and I've asked a pastor to come talk with her but today I told her that it is ok to be afraid and that I am afraid too. BUT I told her, from what I hear, heaven is way better than the alternative! We both laughed and she mentioned whom she thought may end up in / should take a flying leap to H - E - double hockey sticks :) LOL! I also told her if she was fighting because she was worried about me, she didn't need to fight anymore because I will be just fine and I know she'll always take care of me, even from heaven. This was a really hard conversation for me to have, I have mixed feelings about heaven and spirituality. My momma believes and her faith is very strong. It comforts her and I'm happy she has it. So...I'm gonna love her through it! She is comfortable now and as her pain increases her medications will too and she will become more sleepy. Now is a good time for visits because she is sharp as a tack and it puts her in good spirits to have her friends around her, so feel free to come over for tea :) I'm happy she has so many wonderful, kind, loving friends! I've learned alot about my momma from you all! I'm lucky that she is doing so well, I get extra time with her that a week ago I didn't think I'd have. We have time to sort out her affairs together, the way she wants, SHOCKER she wants to be in control...again, now you know where I get it from! We have time to talk about all those things you wish you knew about your parent's life but either you don't ask or don't have a chance to ask. Basically...we just have time, and that's just fine by me!
We were finally moved in to the Palliative Care Unit at the hospital on Saturday night. It was becoming clear that we may never return home with mom. At least she was in a good place, it was much quieter and she could be peaceful. She was confused, they had increased her medication more than double to what she was taking before her vacation to NRGH and her brain needed time to catch up with the narcotic.
On Monday we had a very positive morning, she was much clearer and was becoming much more stable than what she had been. This was all good news and came as a bit of a surprise, although I don't know why, my mom is the MOST stubborn person I know! Now you know where I get it from :) The doctor said if she remains stable and we can get a plan set up, we could take her home towards the end of the week. Momma liked this news VERY much! We also received news that on Tuesday momma would go to Victoria for a radiation treatment on that pesky right hip that has been causing so much grief!
Tuesday...OH what a day! I was told to meet my mom at the cancer clinic at 9:00am. She would be travelling by ambulance to Victoria which already scared her and made her anxious. I got stuck in rush hour traffic and panicked when my car clock said 9:02. I called the clinic and was told that my mom hadn't arrived yet. I got to the cancer clinic a few minutes later and thought they were lying to me when they said momma hadn't arrived yet. Why not? They left the hospital at 7:00am in Nanaimo?? So I anxiously paced and waited as time ticked on. If you were among the few that got an anxious text during that time, you can confirm...I was a hot mess! This cub doesn't like to be seperated from her momma that long! I was holding back tears of anxiety when who's hand should I find on my shoulder with a hot tea? Gran! She somehow saw or heard that my mom had an appointment and knew we would be in the clinic. She waited with me until the ambulance arrived....an hour and a half late! They had left Nanaimo late. I didn't know how these transfers worked so I was expecting that the world ran on the same schedule I did, I suppose not EVERYTHING revolves around me! I was thankful to have Gran to wait with! Once we got momma settled on to a more comfy bed we waited for our oncologist and went through the whole process once again. Momma went to CT, they marked her (which again she HATES), and she had treatment on her hip. We opted out of an additional treatment to her chest because it did nothing the first time and mom isn't super strong so it would be silly to put her through something like that. The oncologist did show me mom's chest x-ray. She was flipping pages in her file and I asked to see it. She explained what the cancer looks like and what the healthy part of her lung looks like. It was scary yet nice to see. It helps me understand what exactly is going on in her lungs. The cancer has set up shop in there and is taking over. Bastard. No wonder she struggles to breath, I can't imagine what that would feel like.
When we were all finished in Victoria, mom rode back to the hospital in an ambulance. When she finally got back she was very anxious and upset. She was confused and upset with me for not believing what she was saying. You see, she was convinced she had been in a car accident with a woman she used to work with. This, in turn, upset me and I needed a break. It was a very tough day on her full of anxiety and she needed a couple days to rest. Little did I know what was coming...
Wednesday....I got to the hospital and momma was still sleeping. A hospital liaison worker came in and announced, "We're sending you home today!" My immediate reaction was PANIC! The house isn't ready, what about home support, she just had radiation, I can't do this at home by myself, it takes 2 nurses to get her up, this is a day earlier than you said. I had a minor panic attack but my mom's nurse was so amazing and talked me through everything and so did her doctor. (SIDEBAR...the doctor told her she could eat whatever she wanted to, the higher the fat the better...I guess no more force feeding broccoli! AND she can have alcohol again! I think she loves him more than she loves me!!) They would work out all of the logistics so all I had to do was be there for her. Home support was going to get set up, it was all taken care of! We got home and mom was sooo happy! I admit, it was a very nice feeling because I didn't think she would get to come home. There were a few hiccups (ok major issues with paper work not getting sent to home support, etc.) which made me anxious BUT we did get through them. We all got a great nights rest and it isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. There are extra steps and things to consider about her care now that weren't there before, but she's comfortable and happy. That is all I want! Miss Joy has been SO very helpful as well as several other friends and family. I can't thank people enough for the kindness they've shown us making dinners, sitting with mom, getting things for us that I can't get out to pick up! Its very sweet and it doesn't go unappreciated!
Whats next for momma bear? This is an excellent question. I don't believe it is a great secret that her prognosis remains the same. She is very sick. Although she did get to come home, it will be for a matter of weeks only. She may surprise us all and fight for more time, she is stubborn after all. She told me yesterday that she is afraid to go to heaven. I didn't know what to say and I've asked a pastor to come talk with her but today I told her that it is ok to be afraid and that I am afraid too. BUT I told her, from what I hear, heaven is way better than the alternative! We both laughed and she mentioned whom she thought may end up in / should take a flying leap to H - E - double hockey sticks :) LOL! I also told her if she was fighting because she was worried about me, she didn't need to fight anymore because I will be just fine and I know she'll always take care of me, even from heaven. This was a really hard conversation for me to have, I have mixed feelings about heaven and spirituality. My momma believes and her faith is very strong. It comforts her and I'm happy she has it. So...I'm gonna love her through it! She is comfortable now and as her pain increases her medications will too and she will become more sleepy. Now is a good time for visits because she is sharp as a tack and it puts her in good spirits to have her friends around her, so feel free to come over for tea :) I'm happy she has so many wonderful, kind, loving friends! I've learned alot about my momma from you all! I'm lucky that she is doing so well, I get extra time with her that a week ago I didn't think I'd have. We have time to sort out her affairs together, the way she wants, SHOCKER she wants to be in control...again, now you know where I get it from! We have time to talk about all those things you wish you knew about your parent's life but either you don't ask or don't have a chance to ask. Basically...we just have time, and that's just fine by me!
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Cancer log...day one billion and one...
I find its difficult to walk in to my momma bears house and see her chair in the exact position it was days ago when two paramedics lifted her out of it. I find it difficult to return to the room where I have cared for her for the past few months with out getting emotional. I find it difficult to even return to the house WITHOUT her! I never come home to my moms house with out MY MOM!
This week began much like any other week has started. Last Sunday night mom and I talked about the upcoming week and joked that we really didn't have anything to do. I knew we would be going for an x-ray at some point because at our check up last Thursday I had asked the doctor to have a listen to momma bears lungs and also mentioned her new hip pain. He had heard some fluid in her lungs and also heard NOTHING in the lower parts of both of her lungs which means, progression of her lung cancer. We (myself, momma, and BOTH doctors) hoped it was fluid that could be drained off. Besides this jaunt for the x-rays we really didn't have much planned, I'd lightened my work load by leaning a bit more on my staff at work and I thought it would be perfect timing to get momma's affairs in order. She has been quite clear on if and when the day comes that she should leave us, what we are supposed to do HOWEVER, in the eyes of the law we have to have it in writing to protect her wishes. NO PROBLEM! We had all week! I started pulling everything out Monday and before I left for my staff meeting Tuesday, everything seemed to be quite normal. I had finally admitted on Monday afternoon to myself and a few other close people that my heart was catching up with the reality that my mom was getting sicker and she was going to die. I knew this in my brain BUT my heart hadn't accepted it yet. As I was watching my mom slowly get sicker, my heart was starting to realize the truth. Perhaps this is why I finally got going on all of the legal stuff.
As our staff meeting went on on Tuesday evening, I had an odd feeling. I was there but my mind kept wandering elsewhere. I hid it well I think but I was anxious to get home. When I got home I noticed our home support worker was still there. It was past when I was supposed to be home so I assumed she would have left on time, she had stayed past her time. I was a bit worried BUT maybe I made a mistake on when I thought she was leaving. When I came inside the worker shared with me that my mom was in too much pain to get changed in to her jammies and get in to bed. They had tried to get out of her chair but she was in too much pain. I had assumed she would be in more pain than normal because Tuesday we had a big excursion to get x-rays BUT we also were able to get an appointment at the symptom management clinic for Wednesday SO if we could just get through Tuesday night...this is all I kept thinking. Even with two of us assisting my mom, it became clear that her pain meds weren't working, she was in a pain crisis and we would need to go to the hospital. No biggie! We've done this before. They'll give her a shot and she'll come home. Off in the ambulance we went.
We struggled in emergency. Yes, the doctor gave her medicine BUT the nurse just didn't seem to get the situation and over all it was extremely unpleasant and undignifying. After an almost brawl with the emergency nurse and a good discussion with the doctor, we were admitted over night. They found us somewhere a bit more comfortable than the middle of the nasty hallway and a plan was set for the morning to have a palliative consult with Dr.Love, the guy who knows what he's talking about! He treated my step mom last spring and I knew he's the guy we needed to be speaking to!
After speaking with Dr.Love it became clearer that momma bear's cancer was progressing rapidly. The major concern was the new growth in her bronchi. Unfortunately, it is progression of her disease and NOT fluid that is causing her breathing trouble. We were admitted STILL under the auspices of pain management and we all thought, a few more days and we'll be home. I wanted so badly to believe this! In the back of my mind I had a sneaky feeling that she would most likely would not be returning home. We all remained optimistic. Yesterday, I spoke with Dr.Love again and I could see in his eyes that he also knew this, momma bear wouldn't be coming home. They are going to get you a bed downstairs in PCU (Palliative care unit) which will be much more comfortable and quiet. She asked him when she was going home and he quickly, almost ninja like, responded "We'll talk about that next week dear, we don't release patients over the weekend." LIAR! But my mom believed him and he tapped me on the shoulder and I knew this was it. Having just watched this process in the Spring, I knew.
Driving home last night I was pretty bummed out. I am finding it difficult leaving my mom every night, I've been there for her every night for months now! After all, I am a control freak, what if something happens and I'm not there! THEN and owl swooped in front of my Jeep on my street....OK WTF?! Owl's are a bit rare to see, let alone have swoop in front of you. My grandma always used to tell me, you never want an owl around, the old wives say this means that death of someone in your family is near. Who knows if that is true or not but it certainly crossed my mind last night and upset me more than I already was.
Momma bear was finally moved tonight down to the PCU and she is much more comfortable. She has a private room, there is a place for me to stay if I choose or she wants me to, the nurses are so amazing and she will be given the BEST care there. I know she is taken care of and I feel much more relaxed knowing she is there in a calm environment and OFF the awful 4th floor of the hospital. It is bitter sweet, because I know what this all means. I will miss her so much it hurts me like nothing ever has before.
What's next for momma bear? Well, the problem with her new progression in her right hip is that the cancer has settled in a difficult spot to treat with radiation. It hasn't been ruled out yet, she could potentially have another radiation treatment BUT will she be strong enough to make that trip to Victoria? It is uncertain. The new spots in her lungs are making it difficult to breath and she gets winded very easily, even by simply sitting up. I can't imagine that! I have definitely taken my abilities for granted that's for sure, I can walk...run even! Sure I get a bit out of breath BUT the simple act of sitting up is challenging for her. Its unfair but I choose and have to believe there is a bigger plan at work here. If you want to visit miss momma bear...she is in Palliative care in Nanaimo BUT please call me first or text because I don't want to overwhelm her with too many visitors at once. I promise to keep everyone as updated as I can but it can be difficult to discuss and I know everyone is understanding of that.
xo
This week began much like any other week has started. Last Sunday night mom and I talked about the upcoming week and joked that we really didn't have anything to do. I knew we would be going for an x-ray at some point because at our check up last Thursday I had asked the doctor to have a listen to momma bears lungs and also mentioned her new hip pain. He had heard some fluid in her lungs and also heard NOTHING in the lower parts of both of her lungs which means, progression of her lung cancer. We (myself, momma, and BOTH doctors) hoped it was fluid that could be drained off. Besides this jaunt for the x-rays we really didn't have much planned, I'd lightened my work load by leaning a bit more on my staff at work and I thought it would be perfect timing to get momma's affairs in order. She has been quite clear on if and when the day comes that she should leave us, what we are supposed to do HOWEVER, in the eyes of the law we have to have it in writing to protect her wishes. NO PROBLEM! We had all week! I started pulling everything out Monday and before I left for my staff meeting Tuesday, everything seemed to be quite normal. I had finally admitted on Monday afternoon to myself and a few other close people that my heart was catching up with the reality that my mom was getting sicker and she was going to die. I knew this in my brain BUT my heart hadn't accepted it yet. As I was watching my mom slowly get sicker, my heart was starting to realize the truth. Perhaps this is why I finally got going on all of the legal stuff.
As our staff meeting went on on Tuesday evening, I had an odd feeling. I was there but my mind kept wandering elsewhere. I hid it well I think but I was anxious to get home. When I got home I noticed our home support worker was still there. It was past when I was supposed to be home so I assumed she would have left on time, she had stayed past her time. I was a bit worried BUT maybe I made a mistake on when I thought she was leaving. When I came inside the worker shared with me that my mom was in too much pain to get changed in to her jammies and get in to bed. They had tried to get out of her chair but she was in too much pain. I had assumed she would be in more pain than normal because Tuesday we had a big excursion to get x-rays BUT we also were able to get an appointment at the symptom management clinic for Wednesday SO if we could just get through Tuesday night...this is all I kept thinking. Even with two of us assisting my mom, it became clear that her pain meds weren't working, she was in a pain crisis and we would need to go to the hospital. No biggie! We've done this before. They'll give her a shot and she'll come home. Off in the ambulance we went.
We struggled in emergency. Yes, the doctor gave her medicine BUT the nurse just didn't seem to get the situation and over all it was extremely unpleasant and undignifying. After an almost brawl with the emergency nurse and a good discussion with the doctor, we were admitted over night. They found us somewhere a bit more comfortable than the middle of the nasty hallway and a plan was set for the morning to have a palliative consult with Dr.Love, the guy who knows what he's talking about! He treated my step mom last spring and I knew he's the guy we needed to be speaking to!
After speaking with Dr.Love it became clearer that momma bear's cancer was progressing rapidly. The major concern was the new growth in her bronchi. Unfortunately, it is progression of her disease and NOT fluid that is causing her breathing trouble. We were admitted STILL under the auspices of pain management and we all thought, a few more days and we'll be home. I wanted so badly to believe this! In the back of my mind I had a sneaky feeling that she would most likely would not be returning home. We all remained optimistic. Yesterday, I spoke with Dr.Love again and I could see in his eyes that he also knew this, momma bear wouldn't be coming home. They are going to get you a bed downstairs in PCU (Palliative care unit) which will be much more comfortable and quiet. She asked him when she was going home and he quickly, almost ninja like, responded "We'll talk about that next week dear, we don't release patients over the weekend." LIAR! But my mom believed him and he tapped me on the shoulder and I knew this was it. Having just watched this process in the Spring, I knew.
Driving home last night I was pretty bummed out. I am finding it difficult leaving my mom every night, I've been there for her every night for months now! After all, I am a control freak, what if something happens and I'm not there! THEN and owl swooped in front of my Jeep on my street....OK WTF?! Owl's are a bit rare to see, let alone have swoop in front of you. My grandma always used to tell me, you never want an owl around, the old wives say this means that death of someone in your family is near. Who knows if that is true or not but it certainly crossed my mind last night and upset me more than I already was.
Momma bear was finally moved tonight down to the PCU and she is much more comfortable. She has a private room, there is a place for me to stay if I choose or she wants me to, the nurses are so amazing and she will be given the BEST care there. I know she is taken care of and I feel much more relaxed knowing she is there in a calm environment and OFF the awful 4th floor of the hospital. It is bitter sweet, because I know what this all means. I will miss her so much it hurts me like nothing ever has before.
What's next for momma bear? Well, the problem with her new progression in her right hip is that the cancer has settled in a difficult spot to treat with radiation. It hasn't been ruled out yet, she could potentially have another radiation treatment BUT will she be strong enough to make that trip to Victoria? It is uncertain. The new spots in her lungs are making it difficult to breath and she gets winded very easily, even by simply sitting up. I can't imagine that! I have definitely taken my abilities for granted that's for sure, I can walk...run even! Sure I get a bit out of breath BUT the simple act of sitting up is challenging for her. Its unfair but I choose and have to believe there is a bigger plan at work here. If you want to visit miss momma bear...she is in Palliative care in Nanaimo BUT please call me first or text because I don't want to overwhelm her with too many visitors at once. I promise to keep everyone as updated as I can but it can be difficult to discuss and I know everyone is understanding of that.
xo
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~A.A Milne - Whinnie the Pooh~
Today is a rather troubling day. I have so many thoughts and feelings and I need to get them out, so you all get to hear them!
Today began unlike most days. I hadn't set my alarm because my mom normally wakes me up in the mornings but today she didn't. We slept in! Not only had we slept in BUT we had slept for 8 hours straight. What a difference sleep makes! It felt weird to me, like the universe was off or something. As I began my morning routine - breakfast, coffee, coffee, shower, more coffee - I was troubled to hear about 2 children who were sent to heaven by a house fire in the community of Lantzville early this morning. The children, the same age as my nephews, did not deserve this nor did they see it coming I'm sure. They probably fell asleep last night thinking about what their day would bring tomorrow. I have found myself bugged by it all day. It brings about so many emotions for me in an already sensitive week. I guess all I can say is just love your kids and love them hard! Love your family, your friends, your co-workers HARD! I am not a parent, however, this is one more example to me of where life's priorities should lie. Is it necessary to carry around unpleasant stresses such as a problem at work or a silly fight with someone...NO...don't waste your time with negative bits from your day or gossip or drama. These things are like cancer to our souls. LOVE HARD for, as this fire proved today, it could all be gone in mere moments.
I also met up for a quick coffee today at the Buzz with an old friend from high school. We have randomly been in and out of each other's lives recently, mostly through our professions. As I began to share my tale with everyone on Facebook, we realized we shared some common ground. I never realized how people can be brought together by things. All of us kids that face the threat of losing a parent or step parent OR have lost a parent or step parent are brought together and have an unspoken understanding for one another. No one can quite understand what it is like until you've been down that winding road. She, like a lot of people I know (and some I don't know!), have been keeping up with my ramblings right here on this very blog. Well today as we shared a quick visit, a few laughs and a fabulous cup of coffee, she showed me an example of this understanding. A random act of kindness. She had given a gift to me and my mom, a gift card for roast chicken and mashed potatoes from Swish Challet...with a take out menu..."they deliver!" She happily told me. Her generosity and kindness mean more than anything. Thank you, thank you, thank you is all I can say to her! And I know she is reading ;) I now will explain the significance behind the roast chicken and mashed potatoes but please, no judgements! When I was younger my mom used to always ask us what we wanted for our birthday dinner. Well, I always wanted roast chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn! It's random I know, but OH so delicious! So there, now you know :) I also have a mad love for steamed broccoli and cheese sauce!
I finished my coffee, sitting quietly alone in a room full of strangers, still bothered by this mornings news but I was now also thinking about the kindness that can be found in people. So, with a knot in my tummy from this emotional week and the thoughts of kind things people have been doing and saying to me this past week, I decided to go to Chapters. Again, random, I know! Let me explain. I freakin' LOVE Chapters! FOR REAL! I don't read all that often (although I always have good intentions to) but I just find it so relaxing to go there and get a starbucks and wander around and look at books. It eases the knot in my tummy and helps me forget the world for a bit. I will often find a good deal on a mystery novel for my mom and more often than not I will get suckered in by the cute knick knacks near the tills. I find just the act of being there SO relaxing. I could walk around there for an hour sipping away on my latte and picking up random books! Hey, whatever works! Today I did go with a purpose though. I had read a book when we were in Hawaii called "What dying people want". I highly recommend it to anyone who has someone close to them experiencing a terminal illness. If you are connected with Hospice here in Nanaimo, it is available in their library. WELL, I had watched the movie 50 / 50 the other night. It was a struggle to get through, I cried a lot but was inspired by it and encouraged and would highly recommend that also. Bringing me to my Chapters purpose, there was a book showcased in the movie called "Facing Cancer Together". You never really know if books shown in movies are real or not SO I googled it! (Side bar...did you ever think that "google"would become a verb? Did the inventors of Google ever think that? Just like "I'll facebook you", also a verb....WEIRD!) Sure enough, it is a real book! I mentioned it during a counselling session and my counsellor almost fell over saying, "I had written down to share this book with you today, here look at my notes." I had avoided looking for it for a bit but finally decided today to go check this book out. Well, Chapters doesn't have it in stock BUT I did order it. HOWEVER, sipping on my latte and wandering about I found something, quite possibly, better..."Help me live"! It's about what people with cancer want US to know!
Hmmm....was it fate? It was the only copy of this book in the store, hidden on a book shelf where it shouldn't have been and I just so happened to find it? On today of all days when I'm bugged, emotional and have a knot the size of a small animal in my tummy? Yup, that sounds like fate to me! I sat on the floor in the cookbook isle and began reading it and then I bought it! What it has to say seems like pure common sense but it doesn't come naturally...not to me anyways. I have found myself so wrapped up in things that symbolize or remind me of the fact that my mom is going to die instead of being wrapped up in helping her live! I love my mom and I try to do all the "right" things and in doing so I sometimes do the "wrong" ones. (ANOTHER side bar...I also bought the Betty Crocker living with Cancer cookbook...f*** you Cancer...we are going to eat you away!!)
Sometimes we need to gain a different perspective to see the things that are "common sense". Sometimes the nudge to gain that perspective comes from an unlikely place or a horrific event. If I wasn't so bugged today by the sad news this morning or experienced the kindness of a friend, maybe I never would have ended up at Chapters today for my "feel good" wander and latte. Then I never would have found my different perspective. Whatever the case may be, once you find perspective, be sure to look at the situation objectively, act upon it and in a way you are proud of, take nothing for granted, and LOVE HARD!
Today began unlike most days. I hadn't set my alarm because my mom normally wakes me up in the mornings but today she didn't. We slept in! Not only had we slept in BUT we had slept for 8 hours straight. What a difference sleep makes! It felt weird to me, like the universe was off or something. As I began my morning routine - breakfast, coffee, coffee, shower, more coffee - I was troubled to hear about 2 children who were sent to heaven by a house fire in the community of Lantzville early this morning. The children, the same age as my nephews, did not deserve this nor did they see it coming I'm sure. They probably fell asleep last night thinking about what their day would bring tomorrow. I have found myself bugged by it all day. It brings about so many emotions for me in an already sensitive week. I guess all I can say is just love your kids and love them hard! Love your family, your friends, your co-workers HARD! I am not a parent, however, this is one more example to me of where life's priorities should lie. Is it necessary to carry around unpleasant stresses such as a problem at work or a silly fight with someone...NO...don't waste your time with negative bits from your day or gossip or drama. These things are like cancer to our souls. LOVE HARD for, as this fire proved today, it could all be gone in mere moments.
I also met up for a quick coffee today at the Buzz with an old friend from high school. We have randomly been in and out of each other's lives recently, mostly through our professions. As I began to share my tale with everyone on Facebook, we realized we shared some common ground. I never realized how people can be brought together by things. All of us kids that face the threat of losing a parent or step parent OR have lost a parent or step parent are brought together and have an unspoken understanding for one another. No one can quite understand what it is like until you've been down that winding road. She, like a lot of people I know (and some I don't know!), have been keeping up with my ramblings right here on this very blog. Well today as we shared a quick visit, a few laughs and a fabulous cup of coffee, she showed me an example of this understanding. A random act of kindness. She had given a gift to me and my mom, a gift card for roast chicken and mashed potatoes from Swish Challet...with a take out menu..."they deliver!" She happily told me. Her generosity and kindness mean more than anything. Thank you, thank you, thank you is all I can say to her! And I know she is reading ;) I now will explain the significance behind the roast chicken and mashed potatoes but please, no judgements! When I was younger my mom used to always ask us what we wanted for our birthday dinner. Well, I always wanted roast chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn! It's random I know, but OH so delicious! So there, now you know :) I also have a mad love for steamed broccoli and cheese sauce!
I finished my coffee, sitting quietly alone in a room full of strangers, still bothered by this mornings news but I was now also thinking about the kindness that can be found in people. So, with a knot in my tummy from this emotional week and the thoughts of kind things people have been doing and saying to me this past week, I decided to go to Chapters. Again, random, I know! Let me explain. I freakin' LOVE Chapters! FOR REAL! I don't read all that often (although I always have good intentions to) but I just find it so relaxing to go there and get a starbucks and wander around and look at books. It eases the knot in my tummy and helps me forget the world for a bit. I will often find a good deal on a mystery novel for my mom and more often than not I will get suckered in by the cute knick knacks near the tills. I find just the act of being there SO relaxing. I could walk around there for an hour sipping away on my latte and picking up random books! Hey, whatever works! Today I did go with a purpose though. I had read a book when we were in Hawaii called "What dying people want". I highly recommend it to anyone who has someone close to them experiencing a terminal illness. If you are connected with Hospice here in Nanaimo, it is available in their library. WELL, I had watched the movie 50 / 50 the other night. It was a struggle to get through, I cried a lot but was inspired by it and encouraged and would highly recommend that also. Bringing me to my Chapters purpose, there was a book showcased in the movie called "Facing Cancer Together". You never really know if books shown in movies are real or not SO I googled it! (Side bar...did you ever think that "google"would become a verb? Did the inventors of Google ever think that? Just like "I'll facebook you", also a verb....WEIRD!) Sure enough, it is a real book! I mentioned it during a counselling session and my counsellor almost fell over saying, "I had written down to share this book with you today, here look at my notes." I had avoided looking for it for a bit but finally decided today to go check this book out. Well, Chapters doesn't have it in stock BUT I did order it. HOWEVER, sipping on my latte and wandering about I found something, quite possibly, better..."Help me live"! It's about what people with cancer want US to know!
Hmmm....was it fate? It was the only copy of this book in the store, hidden on a book shelf where it shouldn't have been and I just so happened to find it? On today of all days when I'm bugged, emotional and have a knot the size of a small animal in my tummy? Yup, that sounds like fate to me! I sat on the floor in the cookbook isle and began reading it and then I bought it! What it has to say seems like pure common sense but it doesn't come naturally...not to me anyways. I have found myself so wrapped up in things that symbolize or remind me of the fact that my mom is going to die instead of being wrapped up in helping her live! I love my mom and I try to do all the "right" things and in doing so I sometimes do the "wrong" ones. (ANOTHER side bar...I also bought the Betty Crocker living with Cancer cookbook...f*** you Cancer...we are going to eat you away!!)
Sometimes we need to gain a different perspective to see the things that are "common sense". Sometimes the nudge to gain that perspective comes from an unlikely place or a horrific event. If I wasn't so bugged today by the sad news this morning or experienced the kindness of a friend, maybe I never would have ended up at Chapters today for my "feel good" wander and latte. Then I never would have found my different perspective. Whatever the case may be, once you find perspective, be sure to look at the situation objectively, act upon it and in a way you are proud of, take nothing for granted, and LOVE HARD!
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