Things around the forest have changed! We meticulously sort through her things, wonder why she kept boxes of old stuff, smell her in her closet, and mourn the part of our lives that had momma in them. I feel lost in many ways. The past four months, I've been engrossed in every aspect of my mom's daily needs, medications, schedules, LIFE! I don't have that anymore and it is an eerie feeling. Many MANY people have offered to help me sort through her things but there is a peace that comes over me when I work through her memories. I will come across boxes of things she felt were important and I will get lost in investigating every single piece. I wish (very often) that she was there with me so I could ask her "Why in the world did you keep this!" I imagine what her thoughts were when she packed it all away. When I was younger I used to make my mom cards for every occasion, I was pretty crafty! She still has every single one! I felt a knot in my stomach as I found card upon card, not only because I missed her but because I thought of all the times I had said nasty things to her as a teenager or the period of time that I was SO angry with her that I didn't speak to her for...well...a VERY long time! I wonder, did momma know that I was truly sorry for those things even though I told her I was, did she feel in her heart that I was sorry?
I was cleaning out her bedroom and I vacuumed and quickly realised that since momma wasn't using her bedroom since September, it hadn't been vacuumed in many months. The following may sound awfully yucky but I vacuumed up so much hair because it had started to fall out and she was so embarrassed that this was happening she refused to get it shaved. "It might not all fall out" she told me for several weeks until she let me see her with out her scarf on finally. I sat there thinking last night, not only did she have to deal with cancer BUT she took on shame for now being bald too. BUT not once did she complain! I never once heard her tell a doctor or nurse or support worker that she was in pain or complain about anything. Her and I would talk about fairness, normally instigated by me when I was feeling sad, and of course neither of us would describe the situation as fair BUT she didn't lay down with a "Poor me" attitude. She always maintained a positive outlook and at times it would frustrate me because I was so angry but her peace gave me peace and a whole lot more courage than I thought I had.
I would rather not tell the terrible story of the weeks preceding her trip to heaven. I have had to talk to more people than I care to about what happened and how fast it was etc. I don't want to relive it anymore than I already do in my dreams (which btw, I finally slept a good sleep last night with only one dream about mom but it wasn't the same as the nightmare this time). I want to talk about my momma and the things that she did! Like the look she gave my dad two days before she passed away when he said something about being cold and she turned and looked at him with her BIG eyes and fuzzy head and sharp as a tack responded "Well if some of us wore pants!" My dad always wears shorts! Or the night that Graeme and I got her a personalised, autographed picture from Travis Lulay (the quarterback for the BC Lions) and how excited she was when I gave it to her and how she fell asleep holding it and upon waking up in the morning asked, "Melissa, did I dream it or did I get an autographed picture from Travis Lulay last night?" Then there was the night we went to Butchart Gardens and she wanted hot cocoa. Well....it was HOT! She had started to get shaky with her medications and just the amount of pain she was in and I was wheeling her on cobblestone paths. All of those factors equalled a recipe for spilled hot cocoa! Just a little bit on her coat and hand BUT she licked her hand and said "Not to worry, it warmed my paws up!" There are so many things I remember about her BESIDES the fact that she had cancer and THOSE are the things I want to think about and talk about. Because I miss her so much, I want to hear those things and then I don't miss her as much but remember how amazing she was.
It is finally time to release a photo of momma that if she knew I posted she might just send me to MY grave! But it is cute and I really love it! It is a picture of our first stay in the hospital, up on the 4th floor, with our beloved German (crazy) neighbour! Graeme got momma some headphones and she was rocking out :) Another example of how she made the best out of a yucky situation!
Finally, a Celebration Service is being held for momma on Saturday March 3rd at 1:30 at the Sands Funeral Chapel (1 Newcastle ave. Nanaimo) to honor her life and the many ways she touched all of us!
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ReplyDeleteOh, I know that feeling of missing someone so much it hurts physically. My mom died 5 months ago and I still hurt so much. I talk to other people who have lost a parent and they say the longing for them never goes away. You will never stop missing her.
ReplyDeleteI have not been able to go through my mom's things yet. Circumstances have prevented it but quite honestly I am not ready.
I love the picture of your mom. I know you wil cherish it forever.
I did not want to tell the story of the 6 months before my mom died. I talk about it on my blog but not in detail. My grief counsellor at Hospice has not even heard everything. You know, those painful parts that hurt so much that they take your breath away? One thing that surprised me that I have not said to anyone is how fast the actual dying part took. She was breathing and then she was not. Gone. I guess I have watched to many Hollywood movies where they have time to speak before they die. Silly of me, I know.
When my mom lost her hair the first time I shaved my head at the Relay for Life. It was a terrible experience and I did not have to deal with the actual cancer part.
Anyway, keep blogging Baby Bear. As the song Just Breathe says, "2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to".
Baby Bear, my heart aches for you. While I don't know your pain, I know the pain of losing your mom. You have mentioned Hospice on your blog. Do you go to Reiki? It is what gets me through each week. I also was going to the Friday support group but had to quit going because I work nights now. I see Denise (my grief counsellor) as often as I can.
This stranger is thinking of you.
xo