Back in the forest....

Life is surprising.  It never goes how you expect it will, even though you try to prepare for things, that preparation can sometimes seem like time well wasted!  Last week at this time I was preparing for the worst.  I was preparing to have to say goodbye to my momma in a matter of days, maybe a week.  She surprised us all, doctors included.

We were finally moved in to the Palliative Care Unit at the hospital on Saturday night.  It was becoming clear that we may never return home with mom.  At least she was in a good place, it was much quieter and she could be peaceful.  She was confused, they had increased her medication more than double to what she was taking before her vacation to NRGH and her brain needed time to catch up with the narcotic.

On Monday we had a very positive morning, she was much clearer and was becoming much more stable than what she had been.  This was all good news and came as a bit of a surprise, although I don't know why, my mom is the MOST stubborn person I know!  Now you know where I get it from :)  The doctor said if she remains stable and we can get a plan set up, we could take her home towards the end of the week.  Momma liked this news VERY much!  We also received news that on Tuesday momma would go to Victoria for a radiation treatment on that pesky right hip that has been causing so much grief!

Tuesday...OH what a day!  I was told to meet my mom at the cancer clinic at 9:00am.  She would be travelling by ambulance to Victoria which already scared her and made her anxious.  I got stuck in rush hour traffic and panicked when my car clock said 9:02.  I called the clinic and was told that my mom hadn't arrived yet.  I got to the cancer clinic a few minutes later and thought they were lying to me when they said momma hadn't arrived yet.  Why not?  They left the hospital at 7:00am in Nanaimo??  So I anxiously paced and waited as time ticked on.  If you were among the few that got an anxious text during that time, you can confirm...I was a hot mess!  This cub doesn't like to be seperated from her momma that long!  I was holding back tears of anxiety when who's hand should I find on my shoulder with a hot tea?  Gran!  She somehow saw or  heard that my mom had an appointment and knew we would be in the clinic.  She waited with me until the ambulance arrived....an hour and a half late!  They had left Nanaimo late.  I didn't know how these transfers worked so I was expecting that the world ran on the same schedule I did, I suppose not EVERYTHING revolves around me!  I was thankful to have Gran to wait with!  Once we got momma settled on to a more comfy bed we waited for our oncologist and went through the whole process once again.  Momma went to CT, they marked her (which again she HATES), and she had treatment on her hip.  We opted out of an additional treatment to her chest because it did nothing the first time and mom isn't super strong so it would be silly to put her through something like that.  The oncologist did show me mom's chest x-ray.  She was flipping pages in her file and I asked to see it.  She explained what the cancer looks like and what the healthy part of her lung looks like.  It was scary yet nice to see.  It helps me understand what exactly is going on in her lungs.  The cancer has set up shop in there and is taking over. Bastard. No wonder she struggles to breath, I can't imagine what that would feel like.

When we were all finished in Victoria, mom rode back to the hospital in an ambulance.  When she finally got back she was very anxious and upset.  She was confused and upset with me for not believing what she was saying.  You see, she was convinced she had been in a car accident with a woman she used to work with. This, in turn, upset me and I needed a break.  It was a very tough day on her full of anxiety and she needed a couple days to rest.  Little did I know what was coming...

Wednesday....I got to the hospital and momma was still sleeping.  A hospital liaison worker came in and announced, "We're sending you home today!" My immediate reaction was PANIC!  The house isn't ready, what about home support, she just had radiation, I can't do this at home by myself, it takes 2 nurses to get her up, this is a day earlier than you said.  I had a minor panic attack but my mom's nurse was so amazing and talked me through everything and so did her doctor.  (SIDEBAR...the doctor told her she could eat whatever she wanted to, the higher the fat the better...I guess no more force feeding broccoli!  AND she can have alcohol again!  I think she loves him more than she loves me!!) They would work out all of the logistics so all I had to do was be there for her.  Home support was going to get set up, it was all taken care of!  We got home and mom was sooo happy!  I admit, it was a very nice feeling because I didn't think she would get to come home.  There were a few hiccups (ok major issues with paper work not getting sent to home support, etc.) which made me anxious BUT we did get through them.  We all got a great nights rest and it isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.  There are extra steps and things to consider about her care now that weren't there before, but she's comfortable and happy.  That is all I want!  Miss Joy has been SO very helpful as well as several other friends and family.  I can't thank people enough for the kindness they've shown us making dinners, sitting with mom, getting things for us that I can't get out to pick up!  Its very sweet and it doesn't go unappreciated!

Whats next for momma bear?  This is an excellent question.  I don't believe it is a great secret that her prognosis remains the same.  She is very sick.  Although she did get to come home, it will be for a matter of weeks only.  She may surprise us all and fight for more time, she is stubborn after all.  She told me yesterday that she is afraid to go to heaven.  I didn't know what to say and I've asked a pastor to come talk with her but today I told her that it is ok to be afraid and that I am afraid too.  BUT I told her, from what I hear, heaven is way better than the alternative!  We both laughed and she mentioned whom she thought may end up in / should take a flying leap to H - E - double hockey sticks :) LOL!  I also told her if she was fighting because she was worried about me, she didn't need to fight anymore because I will be just fine and I know she'll always take care of me, even from heaven. This was a really hard conversation for me to have, I have mixed feelings about heaven and spirituality.  My momma believes and her faith is very strong.  It comforts her and I'm happy she has it.  So...I'm gonna love her through it!  She is comfortable now and as her pain increases her medications will too and she will become more sleepy.  Now is a good time for visits because she is sharp as a tack and it puts her in good spirits to have her friends around her, so feel free to come over for tea :)  I'm happy she has so many wonderful, kind, loving friends! I've learned alot about my momma from you all!  I'm lucky that she is doing so well, I get extra time with her that a week ago I didn't think I'd have.  We have time to sort out her affairs together, the way she wants, SHOCKER she wants to be in control...again, now you know where I get it from!  We have time to talk about all those things you wish you knew about your parent's life but either you don't ask or don't have a chance to ask.  Basically...we just have time, and that's just fine by me!